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Vanity Phair 

You've got questions: Liz has answers.

Creative Loafing is pleased to announce the addition of the nationally syndicated sex-advice column Liz Miserables, by rock performer Liz Phair.

Dear Liz: I'm 31, he's 22. He's insecure about the difference in our ages and says he's afraid he has nothing to offer me beyond hot, illicit sex. How can I let him know that hot, illicit sex is all I'm interested in? -- Gettin' Some in Gainesville

Dear Gettin' Some:
"Oh baby, you're young but that's OK/What's give or take nine years anyway? ... I want to be with a guy like you/So uncomplicated, so in tune/Just take off my dress/Let's mess with everybody's mind/Baby, baby, if it's all right/Want you to rock me all night."

Yo, Liz: My boyfriend insists on, um, "spreading his seed" all over me -- in my hair, on my face, etc. He swears it's good for my complexion, but I just think it's gross, in a '70s porn flick kind of way. What do you think? -- Dubious in Decatur

Oh, Dubious:
"Give it to me, don't give it away/Don't think about what the others say/My skin's getting clear, my hair's so bright ... It's the fountain of youth/It's the meaning of life/So hot, so sweet, so whet my appetite/Gimme your hot white cum."

Dear Liz: Lately, I've been having a lot of no-strings-attached sex with a former boyfriend, though we're not really dating again. Is this OK, or am I just letting myself in for more heartache? -- Bedding Down in Brookhaven

OK, Bedding Down:
"Don't look sexy but it just feels right/Not too dirty and it's not too tight/Why I never threw it out, I'll never know exactly why ... Oh baby, know how you feel?/You feel like my favorite underwear/And I'm slipping you on again tonight."

Hey, Liz: I've been a faithful reader of your column for 10 years, since you were first published in the Guyville Exile, but lately it seems that, in an effort to increase your readership, you've started pandering to the Lowest Common Denominator. In fact, some of your recent columns seem to be aimed at teen counselor Avril Lavigne's audience. Don't you think that by focusing so much on adolescent sex fantasies, talking so much about semen, getting it on with younger guys and comparing men to underwear, you've lost sight of the adult-minded, intelligent sexual candor that made you so convincing in the first place? -- Miffed in Midtown

Hey, Miffed:
"I've got to keep it exciting/Make it attractive/Keep it alive/Keep you coming back/I'm always so frightened you'll see through my act ... See me jump through hoops for you/You stand there watching me performing/What exactly do you do?/Have you ever thought it's you that's boring?/Who the hell are you? I am extraordinary/ If you'd ever get to know me."

Dear Liz: I saw recently where a writer with the New York Times questioned your current career path, and you responded with this long, bizarre tirade about Chicken Little. So, what's with the columns you've been turning in lately? I have to ask: Are you having a mid-life crisis or something? -- Concerned in Conyers

Dear Concerned:
"Don't know what you're after/Wanna know all the details of my disaster ... I'm some kind of freak now and/You'll never see me the same/ What's all the fuss about?/Are you sure you wanna find out? ... As I got older I had to step out of the lines/And make up my own mind ... I can't feel any more, but I can fake it forever."

music@creativeloafing.com

The above is excerpted from Liz Phair's fourth collection of letters, titled simply Liz Phair, edited by Michael Penn and The Matrix (see Avril Lavigne's Let Go). Her former collections include Whitechocolatespaceegg, Whipsmart and the award-winning Exile in Guyville.

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