What to do when “Your place or mine?” doesn’t apply
by Michael Alvear
- (Photo courtesy KW2DIO/Flickr)
Dear Sexorcist:
There's a very handsome guy who spends his day in Piedmont Park. I think he's one of the most beautiful men I've ever seen. However, I'm very sure he's homeless. I've never seen him looking like he's under the influence and he doesn't hang out with the loons on the benches. What's the etiquette for picking up a homeless dude? I'm worried that, if I bring him home, it'll be like the damn raccoon that you mistakenly fed and now can't get rid of.
Feeling Guilty
Dear Feeling Guilty:
You’re asking me how to pick up a homeless guy?
You’re going to hell. And I’m right behind you.
A few weeks ago, I was driving down Juniper past the Pine Street homeless shelter and noticed a homeless guy who was so hot my oil indicator light started flashing.
I had to physically stop myself from making a U-turn and asking him if he needed, ahem, a lift.
But back to you. Most people would crinkle their nose at the thought of hooking up with the homeless, but it happens.
Take the recent example of a woman in San Francisco who ended up dating a homeless guy without knowing it. She met him at a party. They hooked up several times (always at her place). Soon, she got the feeling that the guy didn’t want her to see his place. Turned out he didn’t have one.
“He didn't sleep on the street or think he was a bird or anything,” she explained. Like many homeless men, her guy didn’t fit the stereotype. He was smart, drug- and alcohol-free, and even had a part-time job. There are thousands of homeless sofa surfers — guys who crash on friends’ couches, live out of their cars and take showers at the gym.
Sadly, her relationship didn’t work out. "I continued to see him a couple more times," she said. "Then he dumped me."
Now that’s cold. I mean, what do you have to do to drive away a homeless guy — remind him that he’s not thinking outside the box? Accuse him of misleading people with a “home page” on his blog?
All right, so how do you pick up a homeless guy? First, NEVER use a pickup line — whether the guy’s got his own bed or not. They’re nothing but comedic one-liners, and if you use them on somebody who doesn’t know you — and isn’t sure he wants to — he’s going to shut you down faster than a unionized Wal-Mart.
And, for God’s sake, avoid questions like, “Where do you live?” or “What do you do for work?” I would avoid comedy (“Do homeless people get ‘knock knock’ jokes?”) or things that might be insulting or offensive (“I want a guy who has a car — but doesn’t live in it.”).
Your best bet is to use some of the strategies in my “how to pick up men” e-book, Meet the Hottie in the Corner :
1) Assume rapport. Rapport is an emotional bond based on a shared understanding. The best way to get it is to pretend you’ve got it. Act as if you know him. Example: “Do you believe what they’ve done to the dog park? My God, it’s like a city for pets!”
2) Use “multiple threads.” They energize conversations. Basically, it’s the art of jumping from one subject to another and then back. Good friends do this without knowing it. Example: “Which singer would you want to be in the Village People? Wait! Before you answer, did I tell you what happened to me today? Oh, my bad, so which singer would you want to be?”
Now, one of the threads you go back to is the dog park. As in, “Have you seen it? Take a walk with me and I’ll show you.”
If he says yes, you’re in. At that point, it’ll be easy to get him to come home with you. But then you’ll face a question I can’t answer: After it’s over, where do you drop him off?
Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at Sexorcist@creativeloafing.com. Midtown resident Mike Alvear hosts HBO’s “The Sex Inspectors,” blogs at mikealvear.com and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie.
We also recommend ...
Tags:
Latest in The Sexorcist
-
The Sexorcist says goodbye 22
Michael Alvear looks back at the most memorable sex and dating questions
-
Sex addict or horndog? 2
He's finally found a compatible partner in the sack, but still he wonders... is he a sex addict?
-
Born-againer seeks advice from sodomite 13
This 50-year-old conservative man is obsessed with his wife's younger cousin
- More »
-
I had sex at a swingers club and liked it 36
Our sex columnist says goodbye to Atlanta, but not before visiting a swingers club
-
Why does my boyfriend like to smack me in the face with his penis? 5
Men feel powerful when their partners revere that axis of evil between their legs
-
Train your trunk to fit his junk 13
Back Door Gal is sick of changing her panties three times a day
