There's a very handsome guy who spends his day in Piedmont Park. I think he's one of the most beautiful men I've ever seen. However, I'm very sure he's homeless. I've never seen him looking like he's under the influence and he doesn't hang out with the loons on the benches. What's the etiquette for picking up a homeless dude? I'm worried that, if I bring him home, it'll be like the damn raccoon that you mistakenly fed and now can't get rid of.
Dear Feeling Guilty:
Youre asking me how to pick up a homeless guy?
Youre going to hell. And Im right behind you.
A few weeks ago, I was driving down Juniper past the Pine Street homeless shelter and noticed a homeless guy who was so hot my oil indicator light started flashing.
I had to physically stop myself from making a U-turn and asking him if he needed, ahem, a lift.
But back to you. Most people would crinkle their nose at the thought of hooking up with the homeless, but it happens.
Take the recent example of a woman in San Francisco who ended up dating a homeless guy without knowing it. She met him at a party. They hooked up several times (always at her place). Soon, she got the feeling that the guy didnt want her to see his place. Turned out he didnt have one.
He didn't sleep on the street or think he was a bird or anything, she explained. Like many homeless men, her guy didnt fit the stereotype. He was smart, drug- and alcohol-free, and even had a part-time job. There are thousands of homeless sofa surfers guys who crash on friends couches, live out of their cars and take showers at the gym.
Sadly, her relationship didnt work out. "I continued to see him a couple more times," she said. "Then he dumped me."
Now thats cold. I mean, what do you have to do to drive away a homeless guy remind him that hes not thinking outside the box? Accuse him of misleading people with a home page on his blog?
All right, so how do you pick up a homeless guy? First, NEVER use a pickup line whether the guys got his own bed or not. Theyre nothing but comedic one-liners, and if you use them on somebody who doesnt know you and isnt sure he wants to hes going to shut you down faster than a unionized Wal-Mart.
And, for Gods sake, avoid questions like, Where do you live? or What do you do for work? I would avoid comedy (Do homeless people get knock knock jokes?) or things that might be insulting or offensive (I want a guy who has a car but doesnt live in it.).
Your best bet is to use some of the strategies in my how to pick up men e-book, Meet the Hottie in the Corner :
1) Assume rapport. Rapport is an emotional bond based on a shared understanding. The best way to get it is to pretend youve got it. Act as if you know him. Example: Do you believe what theyve done to the dog park? My God, its like a city for pets!
2) Use multiple threads. They energize conversations. Basically, its the art of jumping from one subject to another and then back. Good friends do this without knowing it. Example: Which singer would you want to be in the Village People? Wait! Before you answer, did I tell you what happened to me today? Oh, my bad, so which singer would you want to be?
Now, one of the threads you go back to is the dog park. As in, Have you seen it? Take a walk with me and Ill show you.
If he says yes, youre in. At that point, itll be easy to get him to come home with you. But then youll face a question I cant answer: After its over, where do you drop him off?
Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at Sexorcist@creativeloafing.com. Midtown resident Mike Alvear hosts HBOs The Sex Inspectors, blogs at mikealvear.com and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie.
Because they are super-duper horny, of course.
Hoping he cleaned his pooh hammer before hand