Men complain that their girlfriends and wives don't want sex often enough, so where are those men? I've had a few serious, long-term relationships and many sex partners of both sexes. At first, men are astounded and delighted to be with someone so kinky, open and free in bed. After about two years, the men's drive simply wanes. My drive is above average for women, I'm told. I prefer to have intense sexual encounters multiple times a week, but can be happy with less. But once a week or less is ridiculous. And before you ask: I am very giving, spontaneous, generally only date highly kinky folk and don't care for cuddling after sex. Is it just how men are? Am I doomed to a sexless life if I want a long-term relationship with a man? Am I just too horny for men?!
— Don't Get It
You are the Ann Coulter of sex: full of offensive thrusts, too much teeth and not enough humility.
Let me break it down for you. Men don't lose their sex drive after a year or two in a relationship. They lose it after a year or two of being with you.
Face it, you're a bully in the bedroom. I felt emasculated just reading your e-mail.
You give off a vibe that says, "Show me what you got." You're almost daring men to keep up, to be as kinky, as horny and as omnisexual as you. You're not bedding your men, you're auditioning them.
Here's what happens when you approach men with a "prove it" mentality: impotence, loss of libido and waning interest. Suddenly, sex isn't an expression of desire but a performance that's going to be graded and projected up on the scoreboard.
Wow, give me some of that. If you want to know why men don't stick around, it's because we can sense danger naturally. Like when we're near the edge of a cliff. We just know not to get too close.
You've inspired me to draw up a special list to help women know when they've crossed the line from simply expressing themselves to ruining any chance they've got with a guy.
I call it: The Top 10 Ways Women Sexually Emasculate Men:
• Wearing heels when you're already taller than him
• Smacking his the ass in public and forcing him to say, "Quit grabbing my ass" in front of other people
• Fixing something he can't
• Yelling, "Now that's a cock!" when you're watching porn together
• Reminding him you want it more than he does
• Always being the first to initiate sex
• Using his credit card to order ExtenZe
• Putting your sex toys in a trophy case
• Telling him you don't fake it all the time
• Asking if he's ready for Round 2 when you're in the middle of Round 1
If being who you are isn't getting you what you want, you either have to change who you are or change what you want. The good news is that you may not have to face that terrible choice because it isn't your sexual aggression or self-confidence that's driving men away — it's the way you go about making them feel.
When you start treating men as human beings instead of warm-blooded dildos, they won't run for the hills.
So, I say keep your self-confidence, stoke your sexual assertiveness and drive up that ambition, but temper it with the ability to take disappointment without blaming your partners. There's a big difference between a strong woman who knows what she wants and gets it, and an emasculating woman who rips into men when they don't give her what she wants when she wants it.
Be the former.
Mike "The Sexorcist" Alvear hosts HBO's "The Sex Inspectors," blogs at mikealvear.com and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie. Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at Sexorcist@creativeloafing.com.
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