The column about the chick who was pissed off at guys for not buying dinner chapped my ass. What about the other side of the coin? Bitch, just because you "put out" doesn't mean I'm about to pay your bills. And FYI, if you ask how much I make on a first date, I'm going to give you a fast and furious one-sided angry fuck and never call you again.
— Sick of It
Dear Sick of It,
I don't sense a question here, but I do sense an opportunity to show off some of the best lyrics on the subject of gold diggers I've ever heard. It's from Amy Winehouse's "Fuck Me Pumps":
When you walk in the bar,
And you're dressed like a star,
Rockin' your F-me pumps
And the men notice you,
With your Gucci bag crew,
Can't tell who he's lookin' to
'Cause you all look the same,
Everyone knows your name,
And that's your whole claim to fame
Never miss a night,
Cause your dream in life,
Is to be a footballer's wife
You don't like players,
That's what you say-a,
But you really wouldn't mind a millionaire
You don't like ballers,
They don't do nothing for ya,
But you'd love a rich man, six-foot-two or taller
But here's the part of the song that I absolutely love. When I first heard it, I almost sprayed my Grey Goose all over the speakers:
Don't be too upset, if they call you a skank,
'Cause like the news, everyday you get pressed
My point, and I do have one, is that women can be as offensive as men when it comes to hooking up. At their worst, men leer and women leech. But most people aren't at their worst in most situations. And since men and women are motivated by different factors, the potential for misinterpreting each other's behavior is explosive.
For instance, the driving force in men's attraction to women is beauty and the promise of sex. Read it and weep, ladies, especially you of the intelligent and accomplished variety. It's true — we want you for your body. But before you use up that Vicks-scented Kleenex box, know this: That's not all we want. We want all you have to offer; it's just that we always lead with the beauty and sex thing.
For women, the driving force is power and security. Read it and weep, gentlemen, especially you in the lower tax brackets. It's true, women want you for your wallet. But before you reach for the noose, know this: That's not all they want. They want all you have to offer; it's just that they lead with the power and security thing.
Now, I ask you, which is more offensive — the guy who can't pay attention to what a woman's saying because his eyes are glued to her cleavage or the woman who won't go out with a guy unless he takes her to Park 75 at the Four Seasons? Whether you're a man or a woman, leading with your driving force will repel what you're trying to attract. That doesn't mean you should deny your natural urges (and they are natural). It means you put them in their rightful place. For men, that means understanding that women want sex as much as you do — but not in the way you tend to go about it. And for women, that means understanding that men want to offer power and security, but not in the way you try to get it.
In other words, your goal isn't to be a "gentleman" or a "lady." It's to be a patient wolf.
Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at email@example.com. Mike Alvear is the author of The Flirty Text Message Helper: Witty Texts For Clever People and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie.
Hoping he cleaned his pooh hammer before hand