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Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Don't hate the hater, player (part II)

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Anthony David doth give a damn. So instead of talking shit about the wack state of popular black music in his own voice, he created an alter ego, Lord Acey Ducey, who sits on high, freely proclaiming bullshit to be exactly that. The following is his diatribe on the Parameters of Haterhood — or, how to hate without being hated on — continued from his recent print column in CL:

1) We reserve titles like “genius” for people who are geniuses — people like Prince and Stevie. People who have proven over a long period of time that they didn’t just get lucky pressing buttons and make a hit. They kinda have a clue of what they are doing.

2) We don’t allow the radio to tell us what is good, and we also don’t hate something JUST because it’s on the radio. We have what some earthlings might call an opinion.

3) This one is tough on some people but believe me, it can be a liberating experience. When the so-called big hit comes on in the club and you don’t like it, you are required to shrug your shoulders and say, “Eh, I don’t really like that,” and walk the floor. You can go to the bathroom, or the bar, whatever you choose, but you will no longer have to robotically move and pretend to like it for fear of being called a hater. You will now embrace the term and savor it!

Remember that when you join my organization, you are giving your life and loyalty over to me. You will also have to learn my list of songwriting commandments, especially for the writers among you. Here are a few of them just to give you an idea:

1) Thou shalt not like a song that spells anything in the lyrics (e.g. I L-O-V-E you baby). This is not acceptable.

2) Thou shalt not write a song mentioning why you “wrote this song.”

3) Thou shalt not start out a song with “woke up this morning.”

There are many more and I am constantly adding to them. For the full list, you will have to pay the entry fee, which provides you with all of the necessary orientation materials. If you happen to listen to my music and you notice that I have broken one of my own commandments, pay that no mind. You do not question your ruler — don’t hate on me!

And don’t worry to those of you who listen to all the other genres. You are free to hate as well. I used today’s black music as the basis, but my guidelines and principles carry over very well into all styles and genres. James Blount’s “Beautiful” for instance — pure trash. See how easy that was? Interpret however you like, as long as I agree with whatever you come up with.

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