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Friday, June 27, 2008

Rockers vs. rappers: Who's weirder?

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Hip-hop heads are often baffled by rock acts and all that "crazy rocker shit" they do, like supposedly eating bat heads, pissing on stage, writing songs about Yellow Submarines, romancing dead boys, shooting up heroin, and moving to Berlin.

Perhaps because people accept the harsh reality put forth in many rap songs and the behavior of these weird dudes who can't get jobs as the rule rather than the exception, they neglect how psychotic and insane most rappers are.

As I write this, I am trying to bypass shock and just try to look at abnormal behavior for what it is. I grew up in the ’90s and early 2000s and pretty much still have plenty growing to do, but as a result of living in these times I have come to accept a lot of ridiculous things as normal so forgive me if I overlook anyone.

Here are some of the strangest artists around and brief explanations as to why I'm so weirded out by them.

Bizzy Bone

DRUNK THUG ANGEL

He was the most controversial member of Bone Thugz N Harmony — possibly the strangest and highest selling rap group ever. They had strong Christian undertones yet dark horror film imagery (grim reaperesque wraiths wielding scythes were featured prominently in their artwork) and the structure of their names resembled the seven dwarfs (Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy, Layzie, Krayzie, etc).

He claims to come from a background of "thugism" (whatever the hell that means) and was even abducted as child and featured as an adult on an episode of "America's Most Wanted," telling the story of his childhood abduction. He was kicked out of Bone Thugs over money disputes, but his expulsion from the group also seemed to coincide with a strange explosion of his already overly-religious tendencies.

Now he rolls around with weird Mortal Kombat henchmen (as seen in this video), gets more effeminate by the day, and seems to have no problem reconciling his reckless alcohol use with his love for Jesus. He's integral to the foundations of the tongue-twisting style of rapping but now he tongue twists in tongues!!!

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Bjork

SHE IS NOT AFRAID OF YOU AND WILL BEAT YOUR ASS

She seems to hear a continuity throughout all sound, a common vein that supercedes the boundaries of genre, even music itself. My little sister once asked after viewing this video if Bjork was retarded. But we're talking about the people here, not their work; though their work definitely reflects who they are.

With artists like Bjork who deliberately push, I'd like to focus on the more uncontrollable aspects of her character. For one, she's the Helen of drum 'n' bass' most important feud. She's beaten up reporters on multiple continents, had a bomb shipped to her home, is openly bisexual (I'm not that impressed by that, but I am impressed by her open bisexuality when coupled with how famous she is), and lyrically balances class with eroticisim like no artist around.

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Soulja Boy

CYBER FREAKNIK BLACK BART SIMPSON

More and more kids like Soulja Boy are being born everyday. But he is the first of his kind to be on TV.

Remember when ghetto kids couldn't afford to get on the Internet? Well now they can. And if they can't, they spend the day in school punking out teachers so they can watch YouTube videos of dances and freestyle battles in class. They get bombarded with so much information, disinformation, propaganda and advertisments, that history and education mean nothing to them. Reality is subjective when the number one source of facts can be edited by their friends (see Wikipedia).

Soulja Boy doesn't live in reality and neither do your children, they live in celebreality. Soulja Boy is the living embodiment of the hood's collision with the Internet.

He's absorbed so much pop culture that his lyrics are insanely redundant. Then he came out sporting sorority girl, mall food-court shades with his name written in Wite-Out, and clothes so baggy that they looked like he was in Jedi robes. He's most certainly a child prodigy, if not of music, then of marketing. Chris Black of Done to Death management (represents Cartel, Rob Wonder, etc) told me that when Cartel was on TRL, Soulja Boy was also there. Soulja Boy's eyes never wandered from his laptop screen during the long wait to go to speak to Qudus or whoever the hell hosts TRL nowadays, and wires crossed over the man like kudzu on I-20. I suspect that Soulja Boy is a cyborg. Ice T is the forefather of his nuts.

Anthony Kiedis

DO NOT RAISE CHILDREN IN LOS ANGELES

Now, unlike most black people, I do not like the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I think some of their songs are pretty and I can see how many of us succumb to the funky hip-hop like rhythms. Murs lent my boy Sam the book "Scar Tissue" while we were on tour once and through that I learned some amazing things about Mr. Kiedis.

Spider, Anthony's father, supplied cocaine to much of 1970's Hollywood. Kiedis lost his virginity to one of his father's "girlfriends" at age 13. Keith Moon was possibly the most responsible adult in Anthony's teenage life, and that doesn't say much. The man's been trying to keep that brown monkey off his back since his teens. In his adulthood and well into his 40's, he has continued to date teenage girls and wear socks on his genitals.

Los Angeles is a place much like a Greyhound bus station or the Mexico-U.S. border, filled with confusion, potential, filth, love, lost children, persons in perpetual transit, drugs, dreams, excitement, and insomniacs — a place that produces wondrous beautiful dramadies like that of Anthony Kiedis.

R. Kelly

THE PIED PIPE-HER

First of all, I don't care about that mole. I think he drew it on for the sex tape.

If he didn't do it, who is that man who looks just like him having his ex-artist Sparkle's niece piss in front of his indoor waterfall and then shoving his "whole head in it?" I think he did it and if he didn't, it's still pretty creepy that after the allegations were leveled he began calling himself "the Pied Piper."

If you don't know, the Pied Piper, according to legend, abducted children by hypnotizing them with his musical pipe. R. Kelly married Aaliyah when she was 15 and he was 26. He's sung some of the freakiest sexual songs ever on record, as well as some of the most inspirational. He practically invented and perfected the ghetto opera all while under suspicion of not being able to actually read. He fancies himself a sexasaurus and claims to have that "good good lemonade."

R. Kelly lives in a celebreality far too extreme for Flavor Flav and Lauren Conrad.

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David Bowie

LIZARD FASHION MAN

He's an aging British rocker married to one of the first black supermodels and has laid the groundwork for so many genres and subgenres over the past four decades. He carefully balances sheer fashionable superficiality (his appearance in the movie Zoolander) with the highest degree of artistic integrity and a commitment to real life social service. Angela Bowie (ex-wife) accuses him of being sex friends with Mick Jagger. The man once subsided on cocaine and milk for several months while flirting with Nazi imagery. Look into his seemingly mismatched eyes and you will see a deep long family history of schizophrenia.

So who's more remarkable?

Self proclaimed "neighborhood naked flick watcher" and "father" of Lil Wayne, Baby aka Birdman aka the # 1 Stunner or doo-doo punk rocker GG Allin (nee Jesus Christ Allin)?

Creepy ass Usher or creepy ass Brian Eno?

I've heard urban legends of west coast rappers smoking PCP and/or sherm and eating their girlfriends' lungs. I've also been told of Scandinavian metal musicians eating ex-bandmates. Snoop Dogg seems like one of the nicest most caring fathers on Earth when on reality TV, but it is accepted in many circles that he murdered that dude. Sisqo left the world of gospel to sing of thongs and homo-erotic dragon metaphors while making Chinese characters popular for ghetto girls with no interest in their true meaning.

Houston made the detestably contrived McDonald's jingle "I Like That," and then later pulled an Oedipus Rex on his eyeballs. I'm sure a lot of people expected me to talk about cats like Bradford Cox and whatnot, but his strangeness is moreso some GA boy shit that shouldn't cause alarm to Loaf readers. Pastor Troy? I mean, I guess I could go on this forever. MIA's dad is arguably an alleged terrorist!

I'd like to hear more from you all. Who has weirder people? Hip-hop derived music like rap, dancehall, modern urban R&B, etc.; or rock-based music — and not that planned out "I'm trying to freak you out on purpose" bizarre either.

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