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Thursday, May 14, 2009

Mayor of Ponce returns with Dangerous Moves

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It's been awhile. Almost a year, I suppose. I've been bouncing around a few bars, bounced my head off of a few curbs, told a few jokes, and been the butt of a few more. And I've loved every second of it.

I'm excited about this summer. I love how volatile the weather's been. Springtime seems angry — like it's ready for a fight or something. It has the excitement of summer before senior year. Before you're about to blow off the last year of high school with a beer buzz and a cloud of smoke. We're seniors and we've got a hall pass to the city.

It feels good to be back in the ’Loaf. Feels even better that it's still around. CL's been battling, sometimes uphill. But now it seems it has the taste of blood. And I like that. I'll take that shark in any fight.

I have loads of ideas for pieces rattling around this 10-cent head, and they're all mostly positive — aside for the racial stereotyping, name-calling and shameless self-promotion. But they'll all have my best intentions. For now, let's roll the bones and tap on the glass. Like in a pet store, the snake tank always reads, "Do NOT tap on glass."

Let's tap on it.

Here are some bourbon inspirations I scratched down on cocktail napkins. Basically, things I think about, just not thoroughly:

  • Record Store Day was a few weeks ago. Am I the only one that finds it odd that it's the one day a year where the most shit is actually stolen from record stores? If I were Eric from Criminal, next year I would call it, "Please Do Not Steal Shit from My Record Store ... Day."

  • I want to start a group that supports dog fighting, just so I can go protest loser PETA members outside NFL games when Michael Vick comes back. What more do you want from that dude? He's lost millions and he's sitting in prison. Seriously PETA members, get a life. But until you do, I say "Legalize it."

Let them settle it in the plywood circle. Standard dimensions.

  • I kind of like Tecate's "Most Interesting Man in the World" spots on TV and radio. It's a lot more interesting though if you picture Kenny Crucial as the lead. Either him or Jeff Clark's weird ass from Stomp and Stammer.

  • Little Five Points needs a slogan. My vote is for "Little 5 Points: I get off on Freedom!" Republicans would love that shit. And that's why I love Republicans, they're oblivious to satire. And I'm pretty sure they think "The Colbert Report" is real.

  • Obama joked that Dick Cheney's memoir should be titled, Shooting Friends in the Face and Interrogating People.

Nice.

The Audacity of Coke. That would be a great title for Bush's memoir that I'm sure he's not working on. But seriously, who's going to write that piece of shit?

  • A few months ago I was jumped in the alley by between four and 37 dudes beside East Side Lounge after I ran my mouth. At some point afterward, slightly concussed, I was quoted as saying, "I'm not a fighter, I'm on Facebook." I'm just as surprised as you as to why this doesn't happen to me more.

  • If it takes me and entire episode of "Celebrity Fit Club" to figure out who you are, maybe your fat ass isn't a celebrity.

  • And that goes for you too "Celebrity Crackhead." Or "Rehab." Whatever it is.

  • So Estoria-fest was last weekend. I didn't make it by, but I can only imagine. Twenty-eight dudes in flannel arguing about what band they hate the most.

"Naw, dude. I hated that band waaay before you hated them."

"What?! I'm the one who started everyone hating them. Ask Pitchfork."

Then one of them peels out on his fixed-gear. But they'll be friends again. He needs to get his jean short cut-offs back. And his wallet chain. And his beard.

  • There's an old ’91 stretch limo sitting outside my loft. I want nothing more than to own that limo. I asked Butch Walker if he would start a hair metal band with me and we could tour the countryside in that stretched American dream. He agreed. But only if we could call our band "Hair Force One."

I'm in. Who's buying?

  • I think Henry Owings is wonderful. If you see him out, ask how he feels about Paste magazine. To borrow a joke from Henry's last Chunklet magazine, the topic was "100 ways Paste is different than a bucket of shit."

"#67. A bucket of shit can't masturbate to the new Jeff Tweedy record."

Go to Criminal. Buy a Chunklet. Thank Henry.

  • One of the best hangover movies of all-time has to be the cinematic classic "Point Break." Sure, the night you watch it you're throwing back shots, mixing it up, and you feel like Johnny Utah (Keanu Reeves) when he catches that wave and Bodie (Patrick Swayze) yells, "You're surfin' now, maaaaan.

But the next morning, your head feels like Bodie when that wave murders him at the end.

But all is well with a couple of Aleve, a glass of water, and Agent Pappas (Gary Busey) yelling for his meatball subs, "Utah! Gimme two!"

Cured. Now take a look in the mirror and turn your swag on.

  • I couldn't decide who has the worst band name of all-time, Mudvayne or Staind. But I do know that Facebook's "CAPTCHA" can easily find better names. Five of the first 10 CAPTCHAs I funneled through trying to befriend someone just now...

Formal 59

Office Fizzy

Foreign Asphalt

Termite 80

and...

Rugby Down

All are far more pleasing than the former. Shit, even "Audio Captcha" sounds better than Mudvayne.

Or maybe "Atlas Captcha" if your band is ridiculously boring. "Selmanaires" is already taken.

  • Talking to one of the owners of Star Bar, she said they recently had to kick two girls out because they we're doing coke ... off the bathroom floor.

Fucking yikes. Write you own punch line to that one.

  • The only people who read 6 Degrees magazine are the assholes who think they're in it. I'm on page 78 of the March issue.

  • Really, Vice? REALLY? You've made your name thumbing your nose at the industry. You're the tastemaker that gained millions of worshippers by having a laugh at the expense of everything. And now you pull an advertisement from MJQ in your Vice Guide to Atlanta because you're scared American Apparel would pull its ad?!

Here's to Ben Rhoades and MJQ...

Suck it, Vice. (see photo above)

I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure it was a cute little breezy who gave me the advice, "Live every week like shark week."

I like the bravado of that. It's silly, but it has a taste of blood. Whimsical, but dangerous. Laugh if you get the joke. Sing if you like the song. Atlanta, let's make some dangerous moves.

It's good to be back, Creative Loafing. — MAYOR OF PONCE

(Photo ad courtesy Ben Rhoades)

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