Neil Hamburger has been calling all week groveling for publicity. America’s Funnyman booked a show at Lenny’s on Fri., Dec. 11 to make some money to start paying off his gambling debts — or something like that. Between the sobbing and incessant clearing of his throat I couldn’t quite make out what he was saying. Things got pretty controversial the last time we talked, and far be it from me to kick a man while he’s down. So here's his story. ...

Chad Radford:  How’s life treating you, Neil?

Neil Hamburger:  Oh great! I’ve never been better! We’re here in Phoenix doing some really big shows! Really big!

How big are they?

Let’s just say that the city will never be the same. I’m on tour with Puscifer right now. It’s a rock and roll band and we’re playing all of the biggest, fanciest and most ornate theaters in every city. The kind of places the Boston Pops would play. For me, it’s really something because I’m getting dressing rooms that are bigger than the venues that I usually play so it’s a real treat. Of course it all ends soon so I’ll be back to playing the same old dumps as usual.

How did you land such a massive gig?

If enough bad things happen to you eventually one good thing has to happen. You can’t have 100 bad things happen to you. No one can withstand that, so I guess I had 99 and when number 100 came up fate chose to put me on this bill. Hopefully we’ll get to do more of these kinds of shows so I can get out of the garbage bin circuit that I’m usually on.

Are you touring with a new album?

Right now we have a new DVD out called Western Music and Variety which came out recently through Drag City. This is a very unique DVD because it features my country and western tour that I did where we were doing jokes, but also some songs.

Have you been singing duets with Puscifer on this tour?

I will come out and do one song, but basically it’s a joke set and I don’t have a band with me but I have a backing track and I will go into the song and then do the comedy. This is how many of the great comedians used to do it. If you go see Jerry Lewis he steps out on the stage singing, but of course no one wants to hear him singing so he goes to the jokes and that’s pretty much what’s going on with me.

Let’s face it, these comedians today all want to be singers but they’re not. They don’t have the pipes of a Povarotti or a Phil Collins.

… Or a Frank Sinatra Jr., whom I know is one of your favorites.

No, these people don’t hold a candle to that man’s vocal chords, but you know we all have our dreams. Just like I’m sure that you dream about getting a Pulitzer Prize, and hopefully with this article that will happen.

How are the crowds treating you at the big venues vs. what you usually have to deal with in the garbage bins?

It’s not my crowd. This band Puscifer is very popular and it’s their crowd. I would say that some of them are receptive and some of them are seething with anger and hatred. Last night in Phoenix I had a good percentage of folks on board with me, at least in the double digits. But on some nights you’re talking about a handful of people who like what I’m doing and the rest of the crowd is pissed off and screaming for the music.

Has anyone attacked you at these shows?

No. The security is so good that no one has been able to get on stage with a rusty nail or whatever. Some of the folks may be furious beyond belief but I’m not able to hear it because, let’s face it. The sound systems at these venues are so good that I can clear my throat and pretty much obliterate anything these creeps can come up with.

Pusifer is an off-shoot of the band Tool, right?

Oh yes, well it’s an all-star band, really. I mean Ringo isn’t involved. Not at all.

I bet some fans are disappointed by that.

Ringo’s fans have had to deal with a lot of disappointment over the years, especially if they bought some of those albums that he made over the years … Stop and Smell the Roses. ... Those albums have definitely been disappointments.

Are you being fed any better on this classy circuit than the normal stale corn chips and cold gravy that you usually get at the garbage bin gigs?

There is a catering situation and I have a backstage rider for a tray of ice cubes, and I’ve gotten those most of the time. I had some Fritos the other night, so it’s been going pretty well. I don’t know how dirty that night club is in Atlanta is, but it’s definitely going to be a step down from this type of tour. But I will be the headlining act, so that’s another feather in our cap.

Once the Puscifer tour is over how do you surpass that level of greatness?

Well, these things come up now and again. I did a tour with Tenacious D a couple of years ago. Every once in a while something good comes up and you can’t really surpass it. You just have to look back fondly on the memories of doing it and as you get older and your voice gives out and the ideas dry up you have your memory chest to open and look back at all of the ticket stubs and souvenirs and reflect on these nights.

I bet Tiger Woods is saying the same thing right about now.

Yeah, I guess there was some sort of scandal with him stealing somebody’s golf ball or something like that. I haven’t had a chance to read about it. I have a couple of weeks worth of USA Todays that I picked up out of someone’s recycling bin, but I need to catch up. I have about two weeks worth to go through to find jokes. I’m not up to speed on Tiger's story but I hear that he switched a golf ball out or something like that. But I don’t know if he’s guilty. That’s for the authorities to decide.

Are you a big USA Today reader?

I am, it’s got colors! I find them all in the trash.

It paved the way for the modern blog, didn't it?

Yeah and if it wasn’t great it wouldn’t have a name like USA Today. I’ve used it a lot over the years to find good jokes in the pages of the news.

So you still use newspapers rather than getting your news from the internet?

Yeah I can’t carry my computer around. It must way 40 pounds and it’s very old. …

Do you think it’s a bad idea to bring politics into your routine?

You run the risk of alienating some people, but if it’s the season for politics you have to do it. If it’s not the election season you can get away from it and get back to the things that really matter in people’s lives, like jokes about Limp Bizkit.

Has Limp Bizkit ever come to any of your shows?

I don’t think so. I’ve seen some real assholes at some of the shows but I don’t know if it was him or some other random slob. We have had some celebrities show up at our shows over the years though and it’s always a treat to meet these people and put smiles on their faces. As you know a lot of these celebrities don’t have happy lives, so if you can make them laugh you feel pretty good. That’s what I’m hired to do.

It’s a cruel irony that they’re so celebrated yet they lead such miserable lives.

Well, as Louis Farrakhan said, entertainers are the new slaves, and there is some real truth to that. Not that there is a lot of truth to anything that Louis Farrakhan says in general, but when it comes to this he’s right on the money. Some of these people that you look up to are the most miserable people that have ever lived. That’s something that the public doesn’t understand, with a lot of these people their minds are scrambled from drug abuse and alcoholism, and from having to work these awful shows. Those guys in the Doobie Bros. for instance. Do you think they still want to be out there playing those horrible songs every night? No. They’d rather be living in a house boat in Sausalito. But a lot of them have been sued into oblivion by their management and their ex-wives and things like that and that’s something I can relate to. That’s what the public doesn’t realize. They’re dancing their fool heads off to one of these terrible songs, but they don’t realize that if these people don’t play these songs, they’re dead. They’re in bankruptcy court and they’re stuck, and unfortunately you’re going to be stuck with the Doobie Bros. for another 50 years at least. …

Do you have to keep a second job to pay your bills?

I do some car washing. Sometimes at some of these shows where I’m not making any money I will  go out in front of the club and offer to wash people’s cars. We’ve got a bucket and a sponge and some dish soap, and if there’s a hose nearby I’ll set up a celebrity car wash and wash people’s cars for $3 or $4. Sometimes I’ve brought in some pretty decent money after I washed quite a few cars, but that’s about it for a second job for me.

Neil Hamburger, Daiquiri and Attractive 80’s Women play Lenny's on Fri., Dec. 11. $8. 9 p.m. 486 Decatur St. 404-577-7721.

(Photo by Simone Turkington)