Its hot and this situation has gotten sticky. This summer sun beating down isnt helping my temporary roommate footing. Not in these turbulent economic times. Temperatures have been rising and relationships have gotten heated. Things are strained at best.
Not being gainfully employed is painful, no matter how much one enjoys watching Maury Povich deliver bastards to reluctant fathers on daytime television. While lying on the couch, Joey Grecos concern and his philandering "Cheaters" pull at your heart strings; all while mixed with ethnically balanced technical school commercials. It only makes you feel more worthless.
Its these trying times that call for creativity. Its these moments in self-doubt that call for heroic endeavors. A sensible time for a Dangerous, yet necessary Move.
So as the old adage goes, when life gives you lemons Put a cash bar in your front yard.
Lemon juice drips and seeds slide off the makeshift daytime bar. Sun glistens off a sorority girl's wayfarers and you cant help but smile. Seedy in its crooked way and simplistic in its childish scheme fuck, this was a great idea. Hustling loose change like the days of our suburban youth, graduating to chasing folding money and loose women in the misguided present. What a way to spend a Sunday afternoon.
In the heart of Virginia-Highlands, our front yard sits a mere paper airplane distance from the frat-tastic row of condensed nightlife. Fittingly dubbed Highlands High, our humble Queen Victorian is reputable for raucous keggers, a 4,000 gallon portable front yard pool, and known to drop Bieber and Miley from high decibels at all hours of a school night. Added with the high pedestrian traffic, its the perfect longitude and latitude for an illegal hooch stand.
And just in time. Inspired by those lazy summer days of our youth, an Adult Lemonade Stand only suggests we havent grown up all that much. Weve just progressed to harder, more profitable principles.
Our resident master mixologist Gino Marino has concocted an inspiring menu. The John Daly, which is an adult version of the classic sweet tea-lemonade made famous by Arnold Palmer. Simply add vodka. The Billy Joel is what weve named a rediculously strong Long Island Iced Tea. Giving tribute to Gino and Billys Long Island heritage, our drink is so potent, itll have you singing 80s doo-woop Joel and driving your luxury vehicle through a house in the Hamptons in no time. And theres The Marla Hooch, a hunch punch catch-all thats in a league of its own. What a hitter!
The front yard is full of sorority girls, mingling neighbors, and our downstairs resident impresario, DJ Girl Request, has us all Partying in the U.S.A. DJ Girl Request is wearing penny loafers, Dockers shorts, and a raunchy black KOOL Cigarettes tank top. With his Mac hooked up to a souped-up boom box, his recipe looks one-part Young Republican, one-part hipster, one-part warrior. And that's just the look this bootleg bar is going for.
There are lemons on our chain (ok, wrought iron) fence and Gino an I have burnt v-cut tan lines. I have a belly full of sugar, a head full of wine, and a donation pale full of dead slave owners. Gucci Mane would be proud of our hustle today.
There are hundreds of unanswered emails with attached resumes that lie patiently in my sent box. Shots in the dark that fell on deaf ears. Unemployement is terrifying, but these lemons in my solo cup make things better. These lemons have eased some summertime blues and temporarily soothed roommate relations.
Nearly doubling our initial investment, this benefit fit for scoundrels was a howling success. One repeat customer even donated a can of Kroger brand baked beans, $2-plus in change, and a tic-tac. All in the name of charity.
After an afternoon of putting the fun in fundraiser, the vodka in my liver, and the change in my piggy bank, everything seems less daunting. Maury should do an uplifting show on illegal front yard bars. Really try and inspire those couch dwelling drones that have given up hope.
It may just be this sugar buzz, but as a thriving, hot shot capitalist, this job market seems conquerable. Chasing loose change and loose women, what a way to spend a Sunday afternoon.
As the old adage goes. When life gives you lemons. Squeeze the fuck out of them and add Vodka.
*All Proceeds Benefit P.E.T.E.R (People for the Ethical Treatment of Every Roommate). A Debt Relief Action Committee
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