Monday, September 13, 2010

A Toast To The Douchebags: The 2010 MTV VMAs

Posted By on Mon, Sep 13, 2010 at 11:11 AM

A Clockwork Kanye

"When I see a solar eclipse, I think 'Oh no! Is the moon eating the sun?' I don't know. Because I'm a caveman — that's the way I think." ~ Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

Here we go again. I'm getting too old for this shit. Stop making sense. Time to make the doughnuts. Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do. Another year, another round of why does this exist anymore? Who knows. Who cares? Why do we do anything anymore? Why get up in the morning? Why not just take the whole bottle of sleeping pills the night before instead? The end is nigh, and yet we still make the VMAs every year. Why not just end it, here, now, this year, on this beautiful night, before we surely embarrass and hurt ourselves, and others, and in the process help no one, again and again?

Urg, hard to think when it comes to the VMAs, that appendix, that leftover organ that MTV must reach in and forcefully remove from a different angle each year or else. Or else what? We don't know! We just keep taking it out, pushing the button, up the hill, only to have it have fall back down to the bottom as soon as we reach the top. Sisyphus pushing his LOST appendix up the hill. Check.

At the risk of sounding old and/or out of touch (no risk, I am, very clearly, both those things) I still don't know who Paramore is/are and, frankly, I'm getting a little tired of whoever is responsible for them trying to continually make me know who they is/are.

Some thoughts (or as the kids say, tweets) from the pre-show most racist red carpet ever:

Ne-Yo is only barely more pubescent than Justin Bieber.

Trey Songz is courteous, kind and polite. Refreshment!

What #ifbiebermeetgaga? What #shouldihaveforlunch?

Jared Leto and band mates on are bikes and appear to be doing something that the Flaming Lips maybe considered doing at one time, but then then didn't because it was a terrible idea. The official 30 Seconds to Mars motto: Throw it against the wall and see if it sucks.

Bieber/Usher, you're too good for Bieber/Usher.

Note to Bieber: Butch it up a notch, bro. You can start by losing the Malibu Barbi eyewear.

Nicki Minaj seems like fun! I'd like to hang out with her. More so than her assigned doppelganger for the evening, Katy Perry. However, this song fails to go anywhere until the last 14 seconds, and only after Will.I.Am.Blax.Headroom shows up. Oh, SLAMMED! Huh? Wha? "I sure hope there's some kind of meaning behind a stunt like that." You have no idea how much you just said it all, TSCMoncton.

The Lady Gaga drinking game: Drink every time she mentions her fans and/or little monsters. Also, Lady Gaga is great and brought the gay military brigade with her. Love it. Love her.

Okay, so like, on with the show?

WOAH. At the risk of sounding like I'm saying something nice: Best Set Design Ever? Yes. Easily. It's Roger Sterling's office meets Tommy and then the two go rip off U2's 360 set. I can't wait for Chelsea Handler to smash the mirror. Actually, I can wait. A long time. Until I'm dead, even. And after. More beans and chocolate? No thank you.

Speaking of going backwards in time, MTV ran a seventeen hour block of Jersey Shore leading up to the VMAs. Smart. Like Smart Water smart. Who wants to see some of the gorgeous music videos in glorious HD before an awards show for those music videos? Clearly, no one. Not this audience at least.

Eminem is back. Where did he go? He is talented (right?), but very angry, still. The anger can be a turn off for some, me thinks. Why so angry? Better question: How does he get his skin so smooth? I must get the name of the moisturizer he is using. So smooth. Like babies and butter and Real Doll smooth.

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You have to admit, Chelsea Handler, who is both the most perfect host for this show (because nothing makes more sense in an arena where nothing makes sense more than something that doesn't make sense or does) and also way too old to be hosting this show (because she is), looked pretty darn good considering she is one of the Brood.

"I'm getting too old for this shit." ~ Chelsea Handler

"I'm getting too old for this shit." ~ The entire cast of Jackass

"I'm getting too old for this shit." ~ Cher's ass

"I'm getting too old for this shit." ~ Insert names of people who are watching at home

"I'm getting too old for this shit." ~ Me, watching at home

"I'm getting too old for this shit." ~ MTV


Drake, eh, meh, fail. Next.

I could be wrong, and very often am, but it appears that every song is up for every category. and there are only 3 songs. And only 3 categories. and the same 1 person wrote all 3 songs. and there are only 3 celebrities/artists/musicians in the audience. Math hurts. This is the definitely first time I've seen most of these videos. On TV, that is. And definitely the first time I've seen them on MTV. Is that anything? Can anyone hear me? Where are the Jo Bros? And John Mayer?

30 Seconds to Mars win an award. Shut it down. Shut the whole thing down. That was the sign. That was the sign God gave us. Don't mess with signs from God, y'all. It's time to shut the whole thing down.

Elder statesmen Lincoln Hawk, I mean Linkin Park, are still a thing? Ugh. Their music is a No Fear sticker. All bark, no bite and Forever 21. Linkin Park = guy with sword.

This B.O.B. thing is great! Maybe the favorite of the night.

Robyn as pre-commercial filler???!!!

Bottom line on Taylor Swift? She can't hit the notes in her own songs. Maybe she can sing some other songs pretty good, but clearly she cannot sing her own songs pretty good. Sorry. I know. It hurts me, too. The truth hurts. And her veneers are way too big for her mouth. But back to the set design: WOAH. I'm pretty sure we could take humans out of this equation entirely and it would be just as fun to watch. George Lucas was right: Next year this is thing is CGI start to finish.

You know how the Tonys won a Emmy? The VMAs themselves are clearly the Best Music Video of night. The video for "Bad Romance" was okay, but The VMAs wuz robbed! The producers of the VMAs should totally rush the stage and grab the mic from Lady Meat Purse. "I can't believe I just asked Cher to hold my meat purse" was the best line of the night. And she thanked MTV. Awwwww, that's cute. But why thank them? And for what? A trophy for a music video they refuse to play? Thanks!!!

Urg, too much thinky. See you next year!?

Oh, and Kanye was a letdown.

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