Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Oscar the Souse: Your 2009 Academy Awards Drinking Game

Posted By on Tue, Mar 10, 2009 at 9:33 AM

click to enlarge POUND IT OUT: "Which way to the bar?"
  • POUND IT OUT: "Which way to the bar?"

The idea of an Academy Awards drinking game seems almost like a hindrance during a global economic downward spiral: won’t obeying pesky rules just impede our nightly, alcohol-fueled descent into sweet, sweet oblivion? If you want Oscar Party-inebriation to come sooner rather than later, consider taking a drink for every awkward appearance of a young Hollywood star like Zac Efron, or every time the orchestra cuts off an acceptance speech, or maybe just whenever someone says “And the Oscar goes to…” Or says “Oscar,” for that matter. Otherwise, here are some suggested rules for the 81st Academy Award show, airing on ABC at 8:30 p.m. Warning: if you get too drunk, you might miss our simultaneous Liveblogging on Fresh Loaf. (Oscar the Souse would like to acknowledge the suggestions of Kent Gash, William Goss and Doug Hamilton.)

  • First, if host Hugh Jackman plugs his upcoming movie X-Men Origins: Wolverine, take a drink. If he does so by tearing open an Academy Award envelope with one of his adamantium claws, finish your drink.
  • If Slumdog Millionaire wins Best Picture, drink tea from your party’s designated chai-wallah. But treat him with respect, because he might be able to buy and sell you by the end of the night.
  • If Milk wins Best Picture, have a milk-based drink like a White Russian, but under no circumstances have a milkshake, because “I drink your milkshake” is just so pre-recession.
  • If The Curious Case of Benjamin Button wins Best Picture, drink a hurricane. You know, because of the Katrina themes? And the New Orleans setting? What – too soon?
  • If Mickey Rourke wins Best Actor for The Wrestler, take a drink, inject your buttock with an unidentified steroid and shave your armpits before the rest of the party guest hit you with a folding chair and fire staple-guns at you.
  • If Brad Pitt wins Best Actor for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, take a drink of Old Granddad, then a Bloody Mary, then a Virgin Mary, then a Shirley Temple.

  • If Frank Langella wins Best Actor for Frost/Nixon, drink a Root Beer Frosty and make an endless, rambling phone conversation to an acquaintance about cheeseburgers and how one day you’ll make a comeback and crush your enemies.
  • If Kate Winslet wins Best Actress, drink a martini glass full of her bathwater from The Reader.
  • If Angelina Jolie wins Best Actress for Changeling, look closely at your drink then yell at your host, “This isn’t my drink! GIVE ME BACK MY DRINK!”
  • If Heath Ledger posthumously wins Best Supporting Actor for The Dark Knight, take a drink. No jokes. (Even though he played The Joker.)
  • If The Dark Knight wins anything else, take a drink of anything harsh enough to give you that Christian Bale “Batman voice.” Know when to quit before you start behaving like Bale, though.
  • If Robert Downey Jr. wins Best Supporting Actor for Tropic Thunder, take a drink and keep drinking until you go Full Retard. Yeah, I said it.
  • If Penelope Cruz wins for Vicki Cristina Barcelona, take a drink, smoke a cigarette, make out with at least two people, knock something over, go outside screaming Spanish curses, come back in waving a gun around and thank Woody Allen for yet another Oscar nomination for a woman.
  • If Marisa Tomei wins Best Supporting Actress for The Wrestler, take a drink and remove an article of clothing. You can do that for Winslet too, for that matter.
  • If Doubt wins anything, take a drink of communion wine, but try to keep the nuns from smelling it on your breath.
  • If Pixar’s WALL-E wins Best Animated Feature, drink a Harv-E WALLbanger. Or a Cupcake in a Cup.
  • If Pixar’s “Presto” wins Best Animated Short, make your drink disappear.
  • If Peter Gabriel’s “Down to Earth” from WALL-E wins Best Song, stand outside your house holding up a boom box playing “In Your Eyes” like John Cusack in Say Anything.
  • If Iron Man wins anything, drink a glass of whiskey and bore the other guests with your theories that next year's Iron Man 2 will include the alcoholism-themed ‘Demon In a Bottle’ storyline from the comic books.
  • If Man on Wire wins Best Documentary, take a drink and see if you can walk a straight line.
  • If Katrina-themed Trouble the Water wins Best Documentary, drink a hurricane. Wait, still too soon?
  • Finally, when it's over and the place is good and trashed, be sure to leave without offering to help clean up. If anyone calls you on it, say that you made a huge mess "in honor of WALL-E."

(Photo by Niko Tavernise)

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