Y'all nasty! I mean that was some serious freaky-deaky last night. Blood on the bed, blood on the rocks, sex everywhere, and pig, pig, more pig. I'm still a bit shaken, but let's do this.
Eric, Bill and Sookie remain in Dallas at Hotel Carmilla. While Bill and Sookie spoon upstairs, Eric kicks back at the hotel bar with a lady of the evening, so to speak. Within moments, the vampiress we glimpsed at the end of last week's episode saunters in. Her name's Lorena and she's Bill's maker. The pair goes way back, as vampires do, and we see Lorena and Bill together at a house party in Chicago, 1926. The two are posing as moneyed French globetrotters. While Bill hammers out a tune on the piano, Lorena charms their hosts. When the man of the house chortles "Fuck Prohibition!" Lorena not so subtly suggests that the four of them "'Fuck Prohibition' together" later.
Cut to later, and Bill and Lorena are terrorizing the open-minded couple. Lorena feeds on the man as Bill drags in the female companion. Lorena forces her victim to watch as Bill rips into the woman's throat, drenching the bed in her blood and fleshy bits. Before long, the two quickly get to some of that nasty freaky-deaky I mentioned earlier in said bed.
So why Lorena? And why now? After all, it's been more than 70 years since she's seen Bill. It's no secret that Eric's got his sights set on Sookie: He wants the mind reader to himself and hopes Lorena can distract Bill long enough to make that happen. But why sabotage Bill and Sookie when they're in the middle of an important mission helping track down Godric unless, of course, Godric is just a front and he's set the couple up. Could it be that Eric's the mole?
Sookie and Hugo (Isabel's manfriend) arrive at the Light of Day Institute posing as an engaged couple looking for a spot to wed. Sarah greets them with a hairdo that looks straight off a 6 year old from "Toddlers and Tiaras." "You look like vanilla pudding," Sookie exclaims. (So many pudding references on this show...) Sarah and Steve proudly show them around the church Steve: "Careful now." Hugo: "Of what?" Steve: "Sometimes when we open these doors, so much love comes out, it'll just knock you down!" and pontificate about sympathizers, which apparently include Catholics, "Did you know there was even a vampire Pope in the Middle Ages?" says Steve. Sookie tunes in to the chosen couple's thoughts and realizes quickly that they've been ratted out again. Seconds later, Steve and Gabe are dragging the kicking-and-screaming Sookie into the basement where Theodore Newlin's tomb resides, as does an imprisoned Godric, most likely.
While his sister's being assaulted inside, Jason is hard at work outside constructing a crucifix platform for a Meeting of the Sun ceremony just regular church camp arts and crafts stuff. What's a Meeting of the Sun ceremony, you ask? Well, according to Luke who read about it on the internet, it's when you chain a vampire to a wooden cross and wait for the sun to come up so everyone can watch as it explodes into flames before heading in for a pancake breakfast.
Jason and Luke are back to being friends again, and Luke's in a fine mood as he hammers away, singing (to the tune of "Little Bunny Foo Foo") "Big ol' scary vampire... . Help me out Stackhouse. What should come next?" Jason, still hot and bothered from last night's "Tub Incident" asks Luke about being celibate (the former All-American hasn't done it in three years). "Well, if you're gonna sleep with someone outta wedlock, they shouldn't be married," Luke says. Jason: "Right, 'cause adultery's bad." Luke concludes his list of people you shouldn't sleep with, saying, "Or a vampire. Or a dude. Or a vampire dude. That's like the cream de la cream." Jason considers Luke's wisdom for a sec before responding in tune, "...went to the sun to fry." Luke: "That's awesome Stackhouse!" Jason: "Be here all day."
Maryann et al, awake to a busted water heater at the ol' Stackhouse place, which puts Maryann in a foul mood (Tara to Maryann: "I wish I had a fancier crib for you to squat in but I don't"). Tara and Eggs head to Ferriday to get a new pump for the thing, and on the way Eggs compels Tara to take a detour. He has a sixth sense about a diner they're about to pass. Tara pulls the Jag over and the two hop out and wander a mile or so back into the woods because Eggs has a feeling. They finally arrive at a clearing littered with ratty, sun-bleached clothing. Eggs stumbles about, clearly traumatized, but unsure why. He discovers a blood-stained rock and his panic overwhelms him. When the two arrive home, the ground is also littered with clothing as well as liquor bottles, food and half-smoked joints. This time, when they follow the trail to a clearing, they discover Maryann vibrating at the center of another one of her raunchy, black-eyed sex fests.
Nearby, Sam and Daphne dress themselves after frolicking in the woods as a dog and pig, respectively. When Daphne hears the sound of drums, she attempts to pull Sam toward it. But Sam protests, saying, "In my experience nothing good can come from drum music it only leads to hippies and cults." Sam, I totally agree. Daphne, however, does not, and allows two hyponotized orgiasts to ambush Sam and drag him into Maryann's circle of who the hell knows what. Once he and Maryann make eye contact, she reaches for a giant bull's head and places it over her own as Karl waits with a bejeweled dagger. "What the fuck is this?" screams Sam. WTF indeed.
And oh yeah, Sarah and Jason do it in the church balcony and Lafayette's selling V again. Double WTF.
Sam: "Why take the risk?"
Daphne: "Because not taking the risk is riskier."
Sam: "That's just wordplay."
Hoyt: "God dang it Momma! Now Jessica's gonna think that I'm like one of those guys that doesn't text back."
Andy to Lafayette: "You didn't go on any damn gay cruise! If you did you'd have come back with more pizazz not less!"
Andy: "I know that pig!"
(Photo by Steven Lippman)
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