What's a girl gotta do for a little peace and quiet around here? Sookie leaves town for five minutes and sadomasochistic sex zombies take over Bon Temps. There's penis graffiti on the welcome sign, a giant tower of freesia and warm meats in her front yard, and her glassy-eyed best friend's mind has been erased. Not to mention all the hell that broke loose in Dallas and the fact that she continues to have naughty dreams about Eric. Bad Sookie.
When Bill, Sookie and Jason finally make it back to Bill's place, they find Maxine gone batshit-crazy shrieking at Hoyt about what a disappointment he is. Bill, trying to parse out the situation, can barely get a word in edgewise. He demands that Hoyt calm her down, so Hoyt offers "Playing Wii gets her to focus, but I wouldn't call it calmed down." With Maxine distracted, Jessica and Hoyt finally have a chance to fill the threesome in on everything from the parties at Maryann's (er, Sookie's) place to Daphne, the new waitress at Merlotte's who had her heart ripped out. (Jason: "There's a new waitress at Merlotte's?")
Jason, emboldened by his sneak attack at the Fellowship of the Sun, decides the same kind of guerrilla action is necessary in Bon Temps. Sookie protests, but "I'm not about to let monsters destroy my town," says Jason. Bill and Sookie go to scope out the old Stackhouse place, leaving Maxine at the mercy of Jessica, who's had just about enough of being called a bloodsucking tramp. She may be a bloodsucker, but she ain't no tramp. She's an eternal virgin for chrissakes. And she's hungry.
When Sookie and Bill arrive chez Stackhouse, they can barely see the front door for all of the animal parts piled in the front yard. Overcome by the stench of rotting meat and Yankee candles, Bill and Sookie wander throughout the house in disbelief. Sookie's shaken from her trance when her cell phone rings. It's Lafayette and he begs her to hurry home to help with Tara. When Sookie reveals that she's already back in Bon Temps and sifting through the mess that was once her home, he urges her to leave immediately. As she and Bill turn to leave, Maryann appears, blocking their exit. She demands to know what the couple's doing in her house and moves into attack Sookie, who instantly recognizes Maryann as her porcine assailant.
Bill goes in for the kill, but Maryann's biley Maenad blood is toxic to the vampire. Sookie gets all up in Maryann's grill like an angry wife on "Cheaters," shoving her palm into the woman's face. The gesture flares up into a zap of light, stunning Maryann. "What are you?" Maryann exhales ecstatically as the bewildered Sookie bolts out of the house.
Back in Andy's hotel room, Sam waits impatiently for the suspended cop to return from the jail with his clothes. The whole googly eyed town is on the lookout for Sam so that they can offer him up to the God Who Comes. "I got no idea how we're gonna deal with a goddamn Maenad," Sam says when Andy finally arrives. "What she want you for?" asks Andy. "To cut my heart out while a bunch of naked people watch." Just then Arlene calls, begging Sam to save her and her children from Maryann's flesh-starved army. Sam takes the bait and he and Andy end up barricaded in the freezer at Merlotte's.
Andy attempts to pass the time in the walk-in with some sort of limerick: "I had a nanny. Her name was Annie. Annie the nanny. One time she told me this story that in the country of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. You're kind of like the one-eyed guy, Sam." "I have no idea what you're talking about," says Sam. "I don't either," Andy replies.
Jason shows up at Merlotte's looking like a cross between Michael Meyers and Ty Pennington. Chainsaw in hand, he storms the bar, revving the weapon. Bewteen all of the oral sex, drinking of beer straight from the tap and licking of mustard off thighs, Jason fails to make much of an impact. Ultimately, it takes threatening Arlene with a nail gun for Terry to make his forces retreat. Sam and Andy's rescue is short-lived, however, and Sam is forced to give himself up. As the heathens rope Sam to the top of a station wagon, the sky alights in red bursts. It's just a shirtless Jason in a gas mask holding road flares , but through the tripped-out eyes of the hypnotized it looks a hekuva lot like the God Who Comes.
Jason promises "great weather and good crops" for the sacrifice of Sam. The bar owner climbs down from the top of the car, playing along with Jason's act and begging "Lord, lord, smite me!" "I got no idea what you're saying," whispers Jason. "Smite me motherfucker!" yells Sam. "I smite thee!" he says and Sam disappears, having shape shifted away. Once the crowd disperses, Sam shows back up inexplicably with an apron tied around his waist, putting out flares with a fire extinguisher. "That's the last drink I'm ever taking," says Andy.
At Lafayette's, Bill and Sookie do a tag team glamour/telepathy trick to extract Tara from whatever dark place she's been sent. It works, but Tara's sense of self has been almost completely destroyed. The couple remains confounded about what transpired between Maryann's face and Sookie's hand. While neither of them knows how to defeat Maryann, Bill's knows a vampire who might. He zips off to a sprawling mansion worthy of "MTV Cribs: Vampires" where a secret service man welcomes him, saying "The queen's expecting you." Beyond the a glimpse of the elaborately tiled interior, all we're left with is the sight of a bloody foot.
Two episodes left, still no sign of the God Who Comes, and we've just found out about some sort of vampire royalty. We've got a lot to cover in very little time. What do you think it'll take to defeat Maryann? And will Eric actually seduce Sookie before the season ends? Is Tara saved for good? Have we seen the last of the Newlins? And ... so many questions!
Andy: "If what you say is true, we need to kill that bitch."
Jason: "That sounds fucking fucked up."
Arlene to Terry: "At least shoot the cheap liquor! Bottom shelf! Bottom shelf!"
Bill: "No offense Sookie, but humans are susceptible to almost any kind of mind manipulation."
NEXT WEEK: "Sometimes you need to destroy something to save it."
(Photo by John P. Johnson)
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