Wednesday, January 6, 2010
News The Sexorcist: Prognostication — and other dirty words
Posted by Web Editor on Wed, Jan 6, 2010 at 1:00 PM
What’s sex going to be like in 2010? It’ll be a game of musical chairs set to the melody of a jobless recovery. There will be lots of new chairs (recovery!), but none for you (unemployment!). With that central contradiction in mind, here are my sex predictions for the New Year:
1. Monogamy and infidelity will both go up.
The economy’s made most of us seek out the stability of a relationship while simultaneously giving us unprecedented opportunities to cheat. There’s no checking on you at the office if you don’t have one, and no confirming your attendance at a job interview you never scheduled. Many of us will become such lyin’ cheats that when you kiss us, you’ll have to count your teeth.
2. Jerking off will be the new infidelity.
It takes money to cheat. Few women are willing to throw away their lives for a quickie. Dinner has to be involved. And if you want the full monty, a little lobster. A jobless recovery is the equivalent of a sexless fuck. When you’ve got the will, but not the wallet, jerking off becomes the new infidelity.
3. Boredom will warp our sexual tastes.
Idle hands will tear into some truly disturbing sex toys. Like the Prince’s Wand, AKA “piss hole stuffer” (it’s exactly what you’re afraid it is). It tops my list of most disturbing sex toys of all time.
4. We’ll start masturbating in 3-D.
Pop in a Bree Olson porn flick, hook yourself up to the belts, warming elements and auto-lube of Real Touch’s new virtual sex device and feel her ride you up and down the way she’s doing it to the dude in the DVD. It’s sex, Tivo-style: play …fast forward…slow motion…stop…rewind…play.
Hmm. They should hook us up to a virtual hiring manager so we can remember what a job feels like.
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