Everything I know I learned from TV, and this week I learned a lot about love, sweet love. I learned how no one can find it, how it eludes people, and when they do find love, people mess it up with money, babies or The Situation.
Topping off this week was the return of Patti Stanger, CEO of Millionaires Club, in "Millionaire Matchmaker."Patti suffers from what I call the Larry David syndrome, the shmohawk from "Curb Your Enthusiasm." They are both brash, ugly, black-haired New York Jews who somehow ended up in La-La Land L.A. These two outsiders were faced with a choice: either dye their hair blond, lose weight and fade into the plastic masses, OR crudely insert yourself into everyone else's life and make their life decisions for them. Patti obviously chose the latter, and now makes a living putting a few millionaires and bimbos in a bar, waiting for someone to like each other and calling it science.
This week the big P, having lost weight since last season and newly engaged at 45-years-young, used her skills to help young thousandaires Omar and Jewy Thugstein. Omar and Jewy T made their fortune of tens and twenties of dollars starting their own business College Hunks Hauling Junk out of Tampa, Florida. I know what you're thinking--these guys couldn't find love in Tampa, the city of romance? It's true, they say, and that's why they need Patti-Poo's help. Jewy Gangstaberg is 28 and thinks he's P.Diddy, talking like he's a rapper and throwing his hands around. Patti can't stand it, but I guess when you've got mad bank like a junk hauler, then swagger just comes with the territory. Patti's torn about this one, first she says of Manischewitz Thugstein while watching his audition tape, "I don't want that penis" but later admits she would have gone for Rabbi Thugblum if she was "20 years younger." Try 25, Patti-Cakes. Jewy likes younger, bimbo girls, but Patti broke him of the habit by setting him up with a worldly, older woman, and guess what--they're still dating!
Omar, on the other hand, is distrusting of women, thinking they only want him for his money (good idea going on "Millionaire Matchmaker!") and made his date haul junk all afternoon to prove that she would love him no matter what--on their first date. Patti tried to worn Omar of his rookie dating mistake, dispensing ancient Hebrew wisdom that could only come from generations and generations of matchmaking, like "Coochie ain't gonna get wet" hauling junk, but no, Omar just wouldn't listen. Other Patti wisdom: "Look less Purto Rican" and "I'm looking for juicey goosey!" Needless to say, it wasn't a love connection. Bravo, and all reality TV really, reminds me of how much new money gets on my nerves. Either they're uncomfortable with their nouveau riche status in the world and thinks that's all they're good for (probably right) or they buy their daughters million-dollar sweet sixteen parties.
Switching gears from the nouveau riche to the slums of MTV, "Teen Mom" makes me wonder how people this young can know so much about love while I'm still clueless on the subject and resort to reality TV to teach me. "Teen Mom" also makes me wonder why none of these girls had an abortion.
Amber is desperate to move out of her lard-ass boyfriend Gary's parent's house, but being a single teenage mom and all, she doesn't have too much in the way of money. Instead of looking for a sugar daddy on "Millionaire Matchmaker," she interviewed to be a receptionist at a local hair salon. And she brought her baby. To a job interview. Both her baby and Amber need to learn interviewing skills: she told the employer how great she was at multi-tasking while constantly getting distracted by her crying child. But you know what? She got the job! And she can move out of Gravy's house!
Catelynn's boyfriend Tyler, who looks like he's 12-years-old and very well may be, has decided he's ready to get married. And join the Air Force. But first get married. The moment must have struck him when they were at a diner and Catelynn was eating what literally looked like a giant poop on lettuce on a plate. Aw, young love. Tyler gets his overly-tanned Mom (GTL baby) to help pick out a ring, and her faces of surprise, sympathy and nausea all within 2 minutes after hearing about the engagement were priceless. Perhaps this is who Snooki will grow up to be once she can finally get laid. The mom admits she's jealous that they know what love is that age, because like myself, she's still guessing with some truck-driver who impregnated her. Tyler is hands down the best boyfriend on the whole show--hell, I'd marry Tyler!
The worst boyfriend though, even more so than immature Gravy, is Maci's ex-fiance Ryan. Maci had to drop out of her online college courses because her baby boy Bentley kept distracting her. Ryan, who lives with his parents, doesn't help with the baby and doesn't have a real job, had the audacity to tell Maci that she dropped out because she was lazy. AND SHE TOOK IT! If Ryan would help with his own spawn, perhaps she wouldn't be in this mess, but Maci said that most mom's who take a semester off of school never come back ... Sounds about right for Maci. I guess we'll just have to wait and see if Maci fulfills her doormat housewife potential. Oh, and I still can't decide if Farrah's mom is a pain in the ass or an angel sent from heaven to take care of her teenage daughter's baby.
For designers, though, cocktail dresses are their babies, and on this week's "Project Runway," I learned you have to really, truly, deeply love fashion if you're going to put up with Lifetime's wackness. This week's challenge involved the saying, "She's so pretty that she'd look good in a potato sack," so wouldn't you know Tim Gunn is standing in the middle of a muddy field in upstate New York to announce the designer's next challenge would be to create a party dress out of a burlap sack. On top of that, the models, looking very Amish, got to chose the designer--giving the models such crucial power in a nod to the unwatchable "Models of the Runway." Mila's model from last week "dissed" her and chose Atlanta's Anthony, leaving Mila feeling very self-conscious. She took it out on Anthony through some flippant comments to which Anthony told the cameras, "I left my feelings in Atlanta, Ga." On the floor at Flex's Bathhouse maybe?
In typical Ping fashion, she was manically happy about her hideous dress, that looked like a sack EXCEPT WORSE because her model's ass was hanging out. German-born Heidi Klum wondered if Ping claims not to understand English since her dress was such a miss, or if she is just using her ESL-ness as an excuse. The cool Amy, who resembles M.I.A., impressed me with her design, the only dress that really showed that it was in fact burlap, and along with Mila, rounded out the top two. The beautiful and amazing Lauren Hutton was the guest judge, and Jay won the challenge with his little black dress.
Jesus ended up in the bottom two again, this time with 47-year-old Pamela. Jesus's dress was all embroidery, the burlap was just for construction. Though a classy looking dress, Nina begged Jesus to be more "cool and young." Stop trying to typecast him Neena Gahcia! But even though it was his second week in the bottom two, the judges in their infinite fashion wisdom spared the young Latino, and Pamela was sent to pack her knives and go clean up her workspace. I never understand why they give some people chance and chance again. Oh wait, yes I do: they're more made-for-TV! Next week: team challenge! Now that will really teach us about love.
But last night was really only about one thing: Jersey. Shore. Like any great love, the "Jersey Shore" came unexpectedly and our feelings so strong took us by surprise, but dear God, we'll never forget the moments we spent together. The episode began with Ronnie bailed out of county jail, but remaining firm that "the kid had it coming to him." Being the loving girlfriend Sammi "Sweetheart" is, she then blamed Ronnie for defending her in the fight she instigated, saying how horrible it was having to sleep alone. Sammi "Sweetheart" is no sweet heart, and I hope Ronnie smooshes her to death one night.
I respect J-WOWW because she knows what she likes in a guy, and it's someone who uses steroids. While laboring away at the airbrush shirt palace, J-SHWOW saw a pack of gorillas, or really really juiced-up muscley juiceheads for those of you who don't speak Guidoese. "Tall, completely jacked, steroids, like multiple growth hormones. That's, like, the type that I'm attracted to," she muses. WOW freaked her shit, went home to wake up Snooki who was sleeping in the afternoon to get her to go to the beach and hunt gorillas with her. "I don't see any guido juiceheads, you woke me up for nothing!" Snooki lamented. Those kooky girls never did found those gorillas.
The real, disgusting, vomit-inducing love lesson, though, came from The Situation and Snooki. Poor Shnickers still had not had sex the whole show, and was rejected time and time again. After Shnooks got brutally snubbed by the former love of her life on the boardwalk, she was feeling vulnerable, and Mike could smell it. The two got into the hot tub together, poetically full-circle if you think about how it all started there in Shnook's leopard bra and thong. "If you're hungry, try a snickers," the Queen Guidette purred to the Sitch. Mike took off her bikini top and they started to make out, and everyone in America turned away from the glowing picture box because they couldn't take the sight. Mike must have felt the same way, because he excused himself during making out to leave Snooks out in the hot tub cold.
The Sitch thought he ran the house. Shnickers thought she made the house. Shnicks was right. They all become a family and want to get another Shore house again next summer, and luckily so does MTV. But wait--you don't have to wait until next summer to reunite. Why, all you need is a fancy reunion show!
Our guidos and guidettes were looking less than GTL (read: Gym, tan, laundry) for the reunion spectacular. In winter's harsh light, they were paler and even juiced-up Ronnie was looking swollen around the face. Host Jalissa was shameless and sassy, seated four-hundred feet away from the housemates. And even bitchface Angelina was included (she loved every second of it).
The drama of the night came from the grandest love story of all: Ronnie-boy and Sammi "Poopheart." Throughout the whole season, Sammi berated Ronnie for liking J-WOWW, though it was completely unfounded. But last night, Ronnie and Sammi were called up in the special hot-seat with Jalissa where they played a video clip of Sammi in bed, clothed and under blankets, talking to the Sitch, on top of the blankets, about how she was flirting with the cop and how she has a friendship with Sitchy. All hell broke lose. Sammi hurried to the bathroom crying while Ronnie's steroids kicked in and was enraged. Right then and there, they told America they were over. O-vah! But I believe their love is a strong love, built on petty squabbles and vodka-crans, and if I know anything about true love, they'll be together forever ... or until next season.
Check back next week for recaps of your favorite shows, including "The Real Housewives of Orange County" and "Celeb Rehab with Dr. Drew!"
(Photo courtesy NBC Universal Media)
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