Friday, January 29, 2010

Bobby's Reality Check: I wish I could quit you "Celeb Rehab"

Posted By on Fri, Jan 29, 2010 at 9:47 PM

click to enlarge CITY HIGH: What would you do if you were on "Intervention?" Crying on TV on A&E cause you're drunky?
  • CITY HIGH: What would you do if you were on "Intervention?" Crying on TV on A&E cause you're drunky?

"I wish I could quit you," Jake Gyllenhaal's character famously said in Brokeback Mountain. After this week, I think I finally understand what Jakey meant about addiction. See, breaking the cycle of guidos and guidettes is hard, especially after remembering the fun times. That newly unoccupied time makes you want to grab the remote and use. But the healthy thing to do is transfer addictions. Kick your cig habit, and pick up over-eating. Or forget "Jersey Shore" like a bad dream, and tune into "Celeb Rehab with Dr. Drew." I learned a lot about addictions this week, mainly that they  stem from wire-frame glasses.

The week kicked off with "Intervention" the original feel good about your life at the expense of others with crippling drug addiction television. This week we met Robby who after soaring the highest of highs of having a crappy one-hit-wonder single "What Would You Do," fell to the depths of alcoholism. Life imitates art. Robby was one-third of the Grammy-nominated, positive hip-hop group  City High who in retrospect the Black Eyed Peas were a total knock-off of (see: Evidence A.) Robby was spoiled by his stage mom and pressured by his Huxtables-like family for success, though he seemed to never mentally develop past puberty. Robby had a baby at home, crying all alone on the bathroom floor cause he's hungry. What would you do, Robby? Ultimately Robby accepted treatment, though "Intervention" didn't bother to catch up with him at the rehab clinic--I hate when they do that! If I know "Intervention," and I think I do, Robby's probably relapsing in a dark bar at 2 in the afternoon.

Dr. Drew knows what Robby would do. Drew went from the Love Line radio co-host, to a TV personality, to now a TV personality who's working hard to look like a doctor. This season way more than last season shows him performing medical duties and even wearing medical equipment at all times (Why the hell does he need a stethoscope during Tim Sizemore's counseling?). After Tom's girlfriend Monroe, who has a Monroe piercing in case you forget her name, brought him a baloon of heroin, the nightstaff went crazy looking for the rest of the drugs as called for by their job ... right? Like the constantly-disheveled, former addict Shelly who looks like she's on worse drugs than those in the Pasadena clinic, many of Drew's staff were former users themselves. When the security guard found the card Tom used to cut up heroin, you could tell he was white knuckling it. He smelt that card about three times, going "Yup, heroin. Oh that's heroin. Heroin. Herrrroin." But it's Joey Kovar who really taught me the most about addiction.

Joey of "The Real World" fame has anger issues and is definitely on steroids, and that is not a pretty combination. JoJo was starting to get really agitated, taking it out on the camera people, even though he of all people should know how reality TV works. Dennis Rodman tried to calm him down, talking about what he saw of Joey on "The Real World" -- hey, Dennis Rodman watches "The Real World!" -- but it didn't come out until Drew took the addicts to break shit at a wreckage dump. In his fit of rage, Joey yelled while banging the crap out of an old car, "Why couldn't you get wire-frame glasses!!!" in an imaginary dialogue to his mom. See, Joey's parents abused him and made him wear thick, plastic glasses as a kid, just as harmful as phsyical abuse for Joey and causing much ridicule and torment on the playground. "NOO MORREE WIRREEE GLASSSESS!!" This, my friends, is what we call a breakthrough.

Teenage sex addiction. It's sweeping our country. This whole season on "Teen Mom," I always wanted to punch Farrah in the face. She was always complaining that she never had enough time to be a mom and a teenager. But as with things coming to an end, I found a new sympathy for Farrah in this week's season finale. When this teenager half-jokingly called herself a "single MILF" (meaning "Mom I'd Like to Fuck"), it really dawned on me that Farrah is the only one of the girls truly alone. Even though Ryan's a complete dickhead, at least Maci has him. But Milfy is completely and totally alone in the world ... except for her annoying mother. Wow, sucks to be her.

You know who isn't alone? Catelynn, who has the best fiance in the world. God DAMN I want Tyler. Tyler is so sensitive, compassionate and astute, like when the two were thinking of what their adopted-out child looks like now and Tyler remarked "Lets hope the baby looks like me." C'est vrai, Tyler. The proposal was modern romance at its finest. Tyler asked Catelynn to wear her homecoming dress while Tyler had to use a YouTube "How to Tie a Tie" tutorial (his father, Butch, had only worn a snap-on tie before). Since Tyler's dad Butch is also Catelynn's stepdad, it made getting the parent's approval way more convenient. Their life is just like Clueless! A sentimental Tyler proposed to Catelynn over lunch, getting the private treatment they deserve since they were probably the only two in the restaurant.

The scrapbook graphics for "Teen Mom" have really gotten just as good as the show, with a "#1 Mom" award on Milfy's page after she came to the hard realization that she needs to look after her baby, or a dial vibrating between "crappy" and "perfect" on Amber's page now that she's moved out from Gravy's lair. It makes me wonder what my MTV "Teen Mom" scrapbook graphics would be to document my everyday life. Right now: a thought-bubble of a Whiskey bottle or maybe a "#1 Employee" badge.

My girl Patti-Poo over at the "Millionaire Matchmaker" ("Team MC!" they high-fived to amp themselves up before a good orgy-porgy), helped two gross guys find Stepford Wives. This week Justin Shenkarow of "Picket Fences" fame was looking for love in all the wrong places and constantly reminding of us on the stint "Picket Fences." If I were him, I'd pretend the show never existed. Patti, whose love has no boundaries, incessantly made fun of Justin's small dick hands, but when he questioned Patti about her  running late, she was beyond insulted. In the end, Justin ended up alone and the other unattractive fellow ended up with a pretty Arizona-transplant who will dump the guy in a hot minute once she realizes how hot she is in L.A. Good work Patti!

Maybe not all addictions are unhealthy. Maybe we need to feel addicted to things to give our life substance, or to fill that empty void that we just don't want to take a hard good look at. Maybe I need to go out and live my life instead of telling friends, "Sorry, I can't go out. I have work to do tonight." Maybe ...

(Photo courtesy YouTube)

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