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Friday, February 5, 2010

Bobby's Reality Check: Reunited "Teen Mom," and it feels so good

click to enlarge KELLY CUTRONE: A madame with her ho's (Stephanie Skinner, left, and Andrew).
  • KELLY CUTRONE: A madame with her ho's (Stephanie Skinner, left, and Andrew).

It's a rare thing that a reunion episode, the ultimate time-stretch TV networks use to drain the life of a show, is as good the series. It's even rarer that the reunion episode is actually  better than the show, but such is the case of "Teen Mom," the realest show on television. This week burgeoning media mogul Dr. Drew staged a "check-up" reunion for the four teen moms and their respected partners: from the dreamy Tyler to the redneck Ryan to the abused Gravy and finally to the oppressive Debra.

Beginning last week, my sympathy for Farrah has doubled--no tripled--in the reunion episode. It's becoming clear to her that an 18-year-old baby-mama just isn't in hot demand these days with the men folk, and she's stuck with Deb for the rest of baby Sophia's days. Tearing up that she believes no one is out there for her is a sad feeling for any teenager. Why, Dr. Drew, why do you have to make poor Farrah cry! (But I'm glad you did).

Then Dr. Drew took a turn for the worse. I'm no medical expert, not like the genius of Dr. Drew or anything, but I think anyone with a TV can see that Ryan, the father of Maci's car Bentley, is a raging asshole. RAGING, to the point where Bentley Cadence is better with no father figure than with him. But Dearest Drew kept pestering Maci about how fatherhood is different than motherhood, how she has to explain every detail and expectation to Ryan if their relationship will work, and that they should both go to counseling to get back together. Drew--yourPhD should be revoked for such nonsense! Get out of here!

Farrah, Maci and crazed Amber are actually a lot like me, a young, single man, because we are all jealous of Caitlyn's man-candy. Everyone wants Tyler, but only Caitlyn can have his 12-year-old, pale body. Maci, her head still spinning from Dr. Drew's psychobabble, pointed out that at least she now knows that guys like Tyler exist. And I finally realize that Amber is made for motherhood. She constantly bickered and put down Gravy, telling the world his insecurities--just like a wife! I see a long marriage for them. We caught up with Dr. Drew later in the week, but we'll save Skeletor Fleiss's sex-drive for later.

When I wasn't learning about young motherhood, I was learning about fashion. See, fashion is the glue that holds the universe together, and without it, no one would know their importance or even really matter. Such was explained by new hero, fashion show organizer Kelly Cutrone on the series premiere of "Kell on Earth." The show portrays her in a very real light: serious at work, motherly to her child, unbathed and greasy, and fake best-friends with Eliot Spitzer's 22-year-old callgirl Ashley Dupré.

Smelly Cutrone got in trouble last year for letting Ashley sit front-row in a fashion show, and the designer got very upset. How could you let a whore take in my creations that I've worked so hard on, he must have wondered. But Smelly Cut-one didn't think it was a big deal because we are all prostitutes in some way. All the other women in the front row of fashion shows sleep with men for money too, she explained, but they're just called wives.

For all the reality TV junkies like myself, you probably felt as proud of yourself as I did when I recognized Smelly's assistant Stephanie Skinner from MTV's "True Life: I'm Going to Fashion Week." Stephanie had just started an internship with Smellz at her company People's Revolution, but she was breaking under the pressure and had a nationally-televised nervous breakdown. So imagine my surprise to see Stephanie still working at People's Revolution and even having been promoted. Stephanie looks terrible, with huge bags under her eyes, no time in the morning to shower or put on make-up, and just all around exhausted, but she said that working in the fashion industry was her dream since she was a little girl. And here she is, being called stupid by Smelly. Dreams do come true!

Kelly may be harsh on her employees, but she is a woman after all, which means she'll do anything for gay male attention. She tried to set up her gay assistant Andrew, who looks like a less attractive version of Trent Reznor if such is possible, with a beautiful Spanish model and earlier tried to call a hot guy off the street for him, just cause. "During Fashion Week, we're hungry and need to get fed," Cut-a-stinky-one said of her assistant's horniness. Another gay assistant was trying to shill out Ativan and other anti-anxiety meds around the office. See, a realistic take on the fashion industry.

But it's Kelly's 7-year-old daughter Ava who shows the PR rep's softer side. Kelly, a single mother, lives with her daughter in the floor above her office. She explained to her daughter the hierarchy of seating at fashion shows, saying that if you aren't in the first three rows, you simply "don't matter." Ava was going to go to a show with her mom, but had to be in the 3rd row. "I don't want to get dressed up if I'm going to have to sit in the 3rd row!" she complained. Listen up Maci: Kelly could really teach those Teen Moms a thing or two.

Fashion is one of the main pillars of drag-queendom, along with inspirational divas, dancefloor hits and the ability to viciously make anyone feel awful about themselves even though you look like a freak. On the second season premiere of "RuPaul's Drag Race," Atlanta represented in not one but two drag queens in the "Gone With the Wind"-themed challenge. Maybe three if you count the drag queen that looks just like Sheree from "The Real Housewives of Atlanta." I've always liked RuPaul because she/he has always been positive, always nice, and never said a mean thing in her whole career. Nicole Paige Brooks and Sonique, the queens from Atlanta, not so much. Gawker sums up Brooks best: "She's got those suspiciously thin and sharp features that just scream I Love You, Beth Cooper, only change the B to an M and take away the Cooper." Snap.

Don't be jealous of these grown men that quit their jobs to appear on this show that has no grand prize: you can be fabulous too! RuPaul slaved away in front of her computer for a week to create the Dragulator! You'll have to be my Facebook friend to see my dragtastic portrait. Apparently my drag name is "Bubba Balmoral."

Finally, on "Celeb Rehab" with our old buddy Dr. Drew, Kari Ann from "Sex Rehab" made her grand return into Drew's bosom. Her psychotic behavior on "Sex Rehab" is now understood to be connected to her crystal meth addiction, and with Dr. Drew's help, she's going to kick meth to the curb, or something. During her evaluation, she told Dr. Drew, "I'm fine," while she was violently shaking. This is going to be great! I thought. But she's annoying me and all the housemates with her bratty behavior. She threw a temper tantrum about not getting a hard-pack of cigarettes, only soft-pack, and didn't think she'd be able to survive without Adderall. But Drew explained no one ever quits drug addiction while still on Adderall. Focus Kari Ann!

But it was Tom Sizemore and Heidi Fleiss's bizarre relationship that was the real trainwreck you couldn't stop watching. These two drug addicts used to be in love many moons ago, and while Heidi still holds a lot of resentment, Tom's just in a drugged-out stupor. Tom admitted to Heidi that he's horny as all hell, but Heidi says she can't even think about sex. Their relationship was a lifetime ago, they both say, and Heidi adds, "Those days are over." Then during a joint evaluation with Tom and his girlfriend Monroe in an effort to get Monroe into rehab, Tom immediately freaks out that he wants to go home. Drew thinks it's because Tom wants to use drugs--but I know that it's just because Tom wants to get laid. And can you blame him? Even if you're a teenage girl who never received proper sex education during the Bush era, or Smelly Cutrone's gay-sistant looking for love in all the wrong places; a Scarlett O'Hara drag queen who had daddy issues, or a drug addicted celebrity: we all just want to get laid.

(Photo courtesy NBC Universal)

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