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Friday, March 12, 2010

Bobby's Reality Check: Abuse is no laughing matter ... except on TV?

click to enlarge 16 & PREGNANT: Texting, how all the cool kids hurt their baby mamas
  • 16 & PREGNANT: Texting, how all the cool kids hurt their baby mamas

Abuse is a serious matter, one that can damage the lives of everyone around it. Luckily MTV and Bravo single-handedly tackled the sticky subject of abuse with the utmost aplomb befitting their highbrow programming.

First, queen of all that is professional Kelly Cutrone doubly abused two of her key staffers this week in "Kell on Earth." After returning from London Fashion Week where she rendezvoused with her baby daddy--they have a "very European type of relationship," Smelly says of her manfriend, meaning it's a made-up fantasy and he is constantly sleeping with other women while she looks the other way--Kelly and the senior staff returned to a Stephanie Voorhees-less office. As dumb as she was, Vorhees played an invaluable role at Cutrone's PR company People's Revolution: office punching bag

Enter Stephanie Skinner. Skinner, who already looks on the verge of death every episode, now had triple as much work to do with Voorhees fired and the senior staff gone. So how do they thank Skinner for her sleepless hours of hard work? They attack her. "People think I'm hard on Skinner, but I love Skinner a lot," said Smelly, you know, right after one of her supervisors made Skinner cry. Being the good employee--and reader--that she is, Skins took a note from Cutrone's new book titled "If You Have to Cry, Go Outside," and promptly went outside to cry. That-a-girl. (P.S. If anyone is thinking of an early X-mas present for me, look no farther than Cutrone's book!)

Office abuse is not just limited to uncalled for attacks. It can also come in the form of inappropriate sexual talk. Quote-unquote "friends" of intern Andrew S., who you might remember for having Britney Spears' "Stronger" lyrics tattooed to his wrists, tell him all the time, "You're hot. You should date." These are probably the same "friends" that told him tattooing Britney Spears to his body was a really great idea. But so, Andrew S. is set to go out on his first date in ONE AND A HALF YEARS with some Fratty NYU looking queen.

Cutrone, ever the fag-hag, took it upon herself to buy Andrew S. a $28 bottle of organic lube for the big night. What, your boss doesn't do that? She bought it while she was shopping for a vibrator for her doctor's office receptionist. No joke. So Andrew S. is on his magical date, asking idiotic questions and immediately bringing up sex because he has no idea what gays talk about besides fashion, and who rolls in than Fruit Fly Smelly Cutrone and other gayssistant Andrew M. I love that they hang out after work, scheming of ways to have fun at the expense of their coworkers. So you're a woman and he's gay, but I still cry sexual harassment Smelly!

The worst abuse came from MTVs "16 & Pregnant" where popular girl Chelsea was having boyfriend Adam's baby. I'm surprised Chelsea didn't name her daughter Leopard since everything this teen owned, from her bedspread, bags, hoodies and even family room furniture, was leopard-printed. I'm also confused as to how any baby can fall asleep in a room painted hot hot neon fuchsia. But the abuse came from her boyfriend Adam, who though she was madly in love with him, he opted for working on cars rather than being with her or her baby. Sometimes it's the worst kind of treatment that can finally shock someone out of their puppy-love stupor, and it took this text message to finally get through to Chelsea:

"i want u to feel like the most worthless stupid bitch in the world u better beleive [sic] its so over for the rest of our lives ya fat stretch mark bitch tell me where and wen [sic] to sign the papers over for that mistake"

Woah. And all she did was spend the night at her girlfriend's house. The best kind of abuse, though, came from Bravo, as it always does. This time in the form of five botoxed blonds pointing fingers at each other on a little something called the "Real Housewives of Orange County Reunion." Two parts of amazingness. I feel these reunion shows are often even better than the whole series due to the fact that they all have to sit together and answer online viewer questions from genius Andy Cohen, who is still able to save face in front of his wealthy, fame-whore honeys.

It's increasingly hard to know who hates who and who likes who, as it changes so frequently. Former masochist Vicky now has her hubby Don on the Conch shell juice, keeping them happy and solely sustaining Turks and Caicos' tourism industry, and Simon and Tamra are officially quits. Wise brunette Gina passed on the age-old adage that just didn't work in time for her relationship to the troubled Tamra: "Just give Simon a blow job and it'll be better."

But the real fireworks didn't come from the girls at all. No it was the househusbands that delivered in their first time in the reunion seats. You've got Lynn's husband Frank's grifter past amd plastic-surgery-in-the-name-of-Jesus Alexis's husband Jim's freaky oppressive ways, but most of all, you've got Slade Smiley.

The serial housewifer began on season one of the show with Jo, then dated fellow costar Lauri, both who are no longer on the series. Now he's tricked reformed gold-digger Gretchen to come into his steroidy arms. In fact, Slade tried to turn Jo into a pop singer, didn't work out. Now he's gotten Gretchen to buy the rights to Jo's songs (which she is just finding out  if she watched the reunion special) and even set Gretch up with Jo's old producer, and yet still Gretch sees nothing strange with this scenario. So we have Atlanta's Kim with her timeless anthem "Tardy for the Party," New York's LuAnn coming atcha with a song about being classy, and now Gretchen singing an ode to her late rich husband? Why do all these women think they can sing just because they're on Bravo? And when will the time come for the Jersey housewives to rap about family being "thick as thieves." That is truly abuse to our ears.

(Photo courtesy MTV)

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