Everyone seems to be getting a new best gay nowadays, and can you blame them? An outdated gay-best-friend is even worse than having no friends at all. Tyra's got one, one of the "Real Housewives of New York" has a "gay during the day," and well, Patti Stanger's working on it. But give her time! It's important to find the right fit. These relationships can last episodes.
Tyra Bank's new gay on "America's Next Top Model" comes in the form of a gigantic designer tent with a man's head attached squawking random French words (but never a complete sentence, he's so cultured). Why it's the lovable André Leon Talley, editor-at-large (large, all right) of America's quickest disappearing fashion magazine Vogue, who made his debut this week! No one really knows what ALT does for Vogue's dominatrix-editor Anna Wintour, but it doesn't matter because he wears designer comforters as clothes and now Tyra will have someone to be gossipy with during the judging panel instead of boring ol' Nigel. The models don't know what they're in for!
Full disclosure: I have never been a fan of "ANTM." Even though I recognize the ridiculousness of Tyra, Miss Jay and other gay Jay, they just never seemed to be in on the joke they were telling. Plus Tyra is near unwatchable. But I've finally realized you can't watch this show hoping for "Project Runway" inspiration--you watch this show for "Survivor"-like torture, done to beautiful, idiot girls no less! Hey, this is sounding like something I could get in to.
Their first challenge came in the form of a close-up shot selling perfume that sprays on a solid purple and then disappears--who wouldn't want that? The girls had to stand on the roof of a NY high rise in 20 degree weather with water sprayed and wind blown at their face. And dare I say it, some looked unglamorous. But the torture didn't stop there. Their runway challenge had the girls walking in skin-tight Rachel Roy dresses and high heels down flights of stairs and across a catwalk with two swinging pendulums going across that could hit the girls. I see these swinging pendulums to represent fashion, the back and forth of trends undulating until the end of eternity. Nah, actually it was just meant to humiliate the girls. Some of them timed it right and walked successfully, while others, thankfully, were hit. In particular, a comparatively plump model fell down the first couple of stairs, marched pissed-off the rest of the runway in front of a crowd of fashion insiders (Miss Jay's jaw hit the floor!), and with her concentration broken, she was then hit by one of the pendulums off the runway. Fashion roadkill--she fell off the runway! And wouldn't you know it, the producers played it over and over and over, like the swinging of fashion's pendulum.
Both Tyra and Miss Jay have lost scary amounts of weight, and with her outfit with elevated shoulders, Tyra was just plain frightening. Strange since she always tried to push for women of "size" and "color" on seasons past. But the panel was different more so because of ALT. Not because his comments clearly showed that he's never watched reality TV before or he's trying to make "drecktitude" a new catchphrase, but because Nigel was clearly jealous of the new favorite guy on the panel. Sorry Nigel, you can't be ridiculously good-looking, an "important" photographer, straight and Tyra's favorite guy.
On the "Real Housewives of New York," forgotten Alex McCord, formerly crazy one, is now the "I'm friends with everyone" one, and she's doing it in style. Aside from her gay husband, she now has a "gay during the day," as the homosexual man consented. I'm not sure what this means, but I have a feeling it means Alex has made it. Jill was just plain "scared" by him. They all met at a fashion week party Count-less LuAnn was co-hosting for failing fashion house Emanuel Ungaro--you know the one, the once-thriving house that brought in Lindsay Lohan as their creative director to boost sales. Bad choice.
Kelly, on the other hand, didn't have a best gay to consult before her Playboy magazine shoot--a big honor for the 41-year-old former model. Instead she talked to her two young daughters, who are more together in their young age than their crazy-craze mother. The youngest quickly snapped that her mom was appearing in the magazine to "entertain people with your weirdness" before telling her to talk to the hand. "So being a good parent means that you do fun things and you're pretty?" Kelly asks. It all makes sense now.
The real drama came during a fashion show where Jill and Bethenny finally confronted each other after their friendship fell apart three months before. Kelly broke the fight at a fashion show (classy) and LuAnn acted as bruised Jill's mouthpiece. I have to say, I loved Jill for a long time, but she is losing it. She's attacking everyone, whether behind their back (like telling Kelly she is proud of her Playboy shoot and then telling the cameras it's a huge mistake), passive-aggressively (like criticizing Alex's parenting skills from an occurrence that happened a year ago) or through constant rehashing (by repeatedly bringing up a message Bethenny left telling her to "get a new hobby.") Well she's gotten a new hobby, Bethenny, and it's LuAnn. Are you happy now?
Epitome of all that is proper, Patti Stanger on the "Millionaire Matchmaker" doesn't have a new gay, only her rag-tag team of LA trash that know all too well about true, wealthy love. But she's working on it by trying to learn as much about the gay community as possible. She already had a gay millionaire and a bisexual woman on this season, and this episode we meet 39-year-old gay narcissist Douglas as well as 40-year-old divorced British woman Nicole. They both are very green, but in the way that buying Barney's organic cotton handpicked by poor people far off is green.
Douglas runs a eco-friendly clothing company he started three years ago and is "very into the environment, everyone should be," he said, though it's obvious he only got into the environment three years ago when it came in style. This man has no substance at all and should be no one's best gay. His narcissism is off-the-charts, and during his date with a totally nice retail boy, he scolded him for going to order steak. "Everyone knows steak is bad for the environment. That's like the first thing anyone knows," he said in his gay Valley monotone. If it were me, I'd order that steak extra juicy. I'd try to even spill some A1 sauce on his eco-friendly clothing, cause I do love some A1 sauce.
Nicole runs a green-friendly events planning business, and her masculine energy is overwhelming. I've never seen a less-welcoming woman going on a date ever. She just gave evil stares and made mean remarks--you know, to show guys you like them. On her first date, she took her guy on a "Toxic Tour" of LA to power plants. Needless to say neither found love. Way to go, Patti. Only Andy Cohen will be your best gay.
(Photo courtesy the CW)
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