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Friday, May 21, 2010

Bobby's Reality Check: Everyone loves a mental breakdown

click to enlarge Kelly Crazy Bensimon:

You call it a breakdown. I call it a breakthrough. The mental health of worthless women has never never been as entertaining as this week. "Real Housewives" Kelly Bensimon's island crack-up was the most psychobabble thing this side of Mariah Carey's TRL collapse, while "The Hills" fembot Heidi Montag rubbed her special magic crystals in crazyland. Over in "Jersey," Danielle's daughter nearly passed out from the physical exhaustion of standing. Britney put down your umbrella, we've got some mental health issues to discuss.

We've all been waiting for this moment, the moment that everyone saw coming but no one could understand what the hell she was saying. Kelly Bensimon on "The Real Housewives of New York" finally came undone. Sweet Jesus. We've all seen Kelly's insanity but never knew if it was just a ditzy personality or directed only at Bethenny. But aboard the S.S. Ramonacoaster in the high, briny seas, Kelly couldn't take it anymore. First she started attacking the other housewives on the trip, telling Alex she was channeling the devil, telling Ramona (who invited Kelly on this rejuvenation bachelorette cruise spectacular in the first place) to zip it repeatedly, and of course harping on Bethenny. Let's break down the breakdown.

Kelly's mental collapse had a few tipping points, one being when Bethenny left a monogrammed tote bag with beach products in front of her door. The products were from her SkinnyGirl line. Okay, so that's a little shameless, but it's also a little nice. No harm done, right? Wrong. Kelly broke down and started crying when she received the gift. I guess if you think Bethenny is the devil, then it is pretty scary to find a tote bag with your initials on it. It's like the devil knows you're there. In tears, Kelly, a mother of two, called Jill Zarin, but even Jill Zarin confessed she had no idea what Kelly was talking about. And Jill Zarin always understands when someone is insulting Bethenny. That's how crazy-talk Kelly was. (Jill also decided in the episode that she would surprise visit everyone next week to the trip she already declined, further proving everything is only about her. In last night's "Watch What Happens," Sarah Jessica Parker even admitted that she was scared of Jill Zarin. Us too, SJP. Us too.)

The next morning, Kelly needed to take measures into her own hands, so she brought down a notepad for people to write complaints about her on, and then offered to photograph beach shots for everyone. As a former model, she knows what makes a good picture, and she knows that fake Hot Topic plastic glasses make you smart, so while wearing fake glasses, she took some sexy shots of Ramonie and Sonja, who is proving to be a breath of fresh sane air. The surf and turf did not do well for Alex's modeling shoot, though. Alex's locked jaw and thin lips in a big beach hat will haunt me forever.

In typical fashion, Kelly strung together random phrases--nay, words--out of thin air that no one understood. "Okay, satchels of gold!" she said while talking about Bethenny's career as chef vs. cook, then "Free to be you and me, 1979!" when arguing over dinner. Countess LuAnn could make an excellent spoken word song using those lyrics and a Saint Tropezx beat. Most shocking of all, this nervous breakdown made Ramona look normal--that's quite a feat. Ramona sweetly apologized to Bethenny over her Brooklyn Bridge comment from an earlier episode when she said Bethenny would screw up her engagement like everything else in her life. This sea air was doing good things for everyone, except Kelly. Other things that tipped off Kelly's breakdown: the fact that Bethenny came on this trip right after her estranged dad died and Kelly's recurring nightmares that Bethenny stabbed her with horror music in the background because, she said, Bethenny had tried to kill her so many times before.

With hair in her face and crazy in her eyes, Kelly was talking gibberish and in full-on freak out mode. Eventually the other women started talking about Kelly like she wasn't even there: "She is sick and we're attacking her," Sonja said, desperate for peace, and Kelly just stood there and took it. It was so beyond bizarre, and something I'll thank Andy Cohen for every day of the rest of my life. Normally stretching one trip into three episodes would be exhaustive, but no one brings the crazy like the NY Housewives.

Over on "The Hills," that dying old dog of a show that has gone from frivolous L.A. bobble heads to a documentary about the demise of America, crazy reached a new level in Speidi, nee Heidi and Spencer. Heidi had extreme plastic surgery and no longer looks human. Plus she married he-devil Spencer Pratt. So yeah, there's definitely some crossed wires in her head. But all the other girls on the show make the point of how insane Heidi is for the sake of a TV plot line--except Holly. The other girls are from L.A. and know that drug addiction, plastic surgery and abusive relationships are just a simple fact of life, but Holly is Heidi's sister from  Colorado and believes that remnants of her sister could still remain underneath all that plastic. Even Stephanie Pratt, Spencer's sister, knows Heidi and Spencer are in crazy world, but so what? Spencer doesn't let Heidi out much, watch TV or go on the internets, but in a rare club outing, Heidi shows the girls her new magic crystals which are good in "war zones," like in her brain. The fake show has become too real. Insanity is everywhere. Breakdowns for all!

(Photo Courtesy NBC Universal)

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