Certainly not to be told a bunch of things we already know, which was kind of the case with last night's season three wrap-up entitled — case in point — "Evil is going on." Oh, really? Well, now that that's been settled... . The episode even seemed to be poking fun at much of the season's utter obviousness, like when Sookie said to Bill, "You betrayed me ... again!" "I only pretended to betray you to save you ... again!" Or Sookie's pathological rescinding and un-rescinding of her invitations to vampires into her home. I remember now why relationships in junior high were so exhausting.
We did, however, get a little death, a little drama, and some minor revelations that further muddied Bon Temps' already questionable water about who can and cannot be trusted.
Eric and Russell sizzle outside in the parking lot of Fangtasia as Sookie's vampire SPF wears off. Eric argues with Godric's hazy phantom. "Forgiveness is peace," says Godric. "Everyone finds peace in death." Such lessons from beyond the grave matter little, if anything to Eric, who simply can't (won't?) let go of his daddy issues even though Russell tries to assure him that the guy was a total wanker. A contrary Sookie bursts outside to save Eric, dragging him inside as Russell's tan goes from golden brown to charred. Horribly burned, the only way to save Eric is — wait for it — human blood. Rather than grabbing something sharp from the bar to slit her wrist for the vampire, she has Bill bite her arm so that she can play nurse to Eric. Man! This chick is a total ball buster!
A mostly healed Eric then tells Sookie to rescue Russell from outside, per Godric, and she complies, dragging his crispy almost-corpse across the pavement and chaining him up with silver to the stripper pole inside. Pam, Bill and Eric are beginning to bleed from all the daytime carousing, and the three retire, leaving Sookie to watch Russell.
In Bon Temps, Tara actually spends the night at Sam's house after the two emotionally bankrupt barkeeps sleep together again, and Sam seems happy about it. Happy enough to make her hoe cakes. Now, when you have sex with a guy and he makes you hoe cakes in the morning ... I'm just sayin', it's an interesting choice for breakfast. (Also, am I having hoe cakes deja vu, or did Tara eat hoe cakes with someone else earlier in the series?)
Jason remains inexplicably involved in Crystal's family meth ring and finds out from Andy that the DEA plans to raid Hotshot, the Hills Have Eyes-esque community that toothpaste forgot, today. The star quarterback and she-panther rush over to warn them. Calvin, aka "Daddy," heeds the warning despite Jason's involvement, until Felton springs forth from the ramshackle Hooverville, high on V, and shoots Calvin and the other guy dead. Crystal gets into the truck with Felton so that he'll spare Jason, telling him to stay back and take care of the dirty dozen. And he agrees. HUH???? As "SNL's" Kenan Thompson would say, "What up with that?"
Back at Fangtasia, Russell's trying to barter for his freedom with Sookie by offering to "kill Bill or Eric ... or both ... or neither." Sookie haggles and they settle on $5 million, both Bill and Eric dead, and that he hand over his house in Mississippi. They settle except for the fact that Russell's "word is about as good as tits on a turtle," Sookie says, and promptly dumps what remains of Talbot in the garbage disposal, letting out a kind of maniacal, decidedly non-fairy cackle as Tablot's bones crunch down the drain.
Alcide then arrives and Sookie asks how he knew to come, except that he didn't (humpf). Eric called him (double humpf). But Alcide's been thinking about her ... even having dreams about her (scoff!). The vampires rise from their vampire slumbers to take care of Russell. Next we see Eric and Bill standing over an empty pit as wet cement slops over a caterwauling Russell. The self-congratulatory pair details Russell's fate out loud — bound in silver and buried alive for at least a hundred years! Bill declares proudly. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Has all this vampire crack warped their brains? They're burying the oldest, crispiest, most powerful vampire with the biggest grudge in the tri-state area for 100 years instead of staking him because ... why exactly? And don't say because of Godric. Godric told Eric to make nice, and this is not making nice. This is keeping Russell open as an option for season 4, which is fine by me but Alan Ball could've been a bit more mysterious about it. Or something.
Then, in a blink, Bill slaps Eric into some silver handcuffs, tosses him into the conveniently dug pit next to Russell, swings the cement spout over the Nordic vampire and promptly leaves the scene before making sure the job is done.
He rushes over to Sookie's and explains that he will bring the true death to anyone who knows/has tasted her: "I have never loved, nor will I ever love anyone like you." Then ziiiip! Here comes Eric, alive, caked in cement, and armed with information. He reveals that Bill basically manipulated her into loving him; that he was sent by Sophie-Anne to "procure" Sookie and that Bill allowed for Sookie to be beat practically to death the night of their first meeting so that Bill could feed her his blood and join the two of them. Sookie is appalled, enraged, brokenhearted — their love is not real! Gosh, didn't these two ever see How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days? Their love can totally be real! Anyway, Eric wants his phone back while they figure it out.
Sookie, lonely and sad and in need of someplace to go to clear her head in this town full of supernaturals heads to her safe place — the cemetery. Alas, Gran doesn't come to life as a zombie to console Sookie's wounded heart, but the next best thing, her fairy bretheren come to take her toward the light.
Finally, the other stuff, in order of importance from "meh" to "who gives two tits on a turtle?"
» Jesus is "a witch, who's a nurse, who's a dude."
»Terry has an armadillo named Felix.
»Lettie Mae gon' be a pastor's wife!
»Tara cuts off all of her hair and she and Sookie eat sandwiches.
So can Bill be trusted? Does he really love Sookie or does he just want her blood all to himself? And who will win in a vampire Matrix fight between Sophie-Anne and Bill? Did Hoyt's mom buy wood bullets to go with gun? What's up with that creepy doll in Hoyt and Jessica's dumpy new rental? Did Sam kill his brother? Will Arlene have her baby? Will revenge be Russell's? And will Eric be able to get all that cement out of his hair?
All the burning questions we'll have to wait until next summer to answer.
Jason: "If they ain't doin' it, someone else will."
Andy: "You just rationalized away all law enforcement."
Hoyt's momma: "I won't let you throw your life away on a red-headed dead girl!"
Eric (to Alcide and Bill): "Well, if you two have finished eye-fucking each other, can we go?"
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