In early November, two huge motivational seminars — Zig Ziglar's star-studded Get Motivated! and the very right-wingy Seize the Day! — are coming to town, exclamation points in tow, just eight days apart. So, obviously, the question that's kept you up at night (the nights you don't drink yourself comatose for lack of success) is which event should you attend? CL takes a look at each and helps you decide.
Seize the Day!: Tuesday, November 9 from 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. at Philips Arena
Get Motivated!: Monday, November 1 from 8 a.m. to 4:45 p.m. at the Georgia Dome
WINNER: Tie. Both events are on a weekday, which means a day out of the office. Seize the Day!'s extra hour and fifteen minutes either means imminent suicide or more bang for your motivational buck.
Seize the Day!:
The biggies: Former politician (current something?) Sarah Palin, conservative pundit Bill O'Reilly, former First Lady Laura Bush, Nixon speechwriter and eyedrops salesman Ben Stein , former football great and NFL commentator Terry Bradshaw, motivational speaker Les Brown
The people I don't know: John Maxwell, Phil Town, Tom Hopkins
The biggies: Actress Goldie Hawn, comedian Bill Cosby, motivational guru (and fun name-haver) Zig Ziglar, former Notre Dame coach Lou Holtz, Forbes, Inc. CEO Steve Forbes, General Colin Powell, former NYC mayor Rudy Giuliani, Microsoft President Rick Belluzzo
The people I don't know: The two unrecognizable guys on the page header (and whose names I seriously can't find anywhere on the website)
WINNER: Get Motivated! It was a tough call, but no matter how famous Sarah Palin or Bill O'Reilly are among the Fox News set (i.e. the majority of North Georgia's populace), Bill Cosby is Cliff Huxtable and Goldie Hawn was in the best movie ever.
Seize the Day!: $4.95 per person or $19.95 for an entire office
Get Motivated!: $9.95 for an entire office
WINNER: Get Motivated! On Seize the Day!'s site, right below the reasonable prices, is a disclaimer that says "$99.95 general admission without special pricing code." Sounds fishy. Either way, both of these things are super cheap, although you could easily make the argument that THEY should pay YOU to come sit in an arena with your dumb co-workers for 10 hours.
Seize the Day!: Six white guys, two white ladies, one black guy
Get Motivated!: Seven white guys, one white lady, two black guys
WINNER: Tie. Both events are disproportionately white guy-heavy. Booo.
WINNER: Seize the Day! More exclamation points = more shouty = more motivational.
Seize the Day!: Sarah Palin?! Bill O'Reilly?! A lady who thought it prudent to marry George W. Bush?! This shit's goin' off the rails on a crazy train.
Get Motivated!: Rudy Giuliani has an unreasonable distaste for strip clubs. Crazy.
WINNER: Seize the Day! I'd elaborate, but explaining why Sarah Palin is crazy is like explaining why Pol Pot was a crummy guy.
MOST SONICALLY PLEASING
Seize the Day!: Sarah Palin's voice is a motivational tool in and of itself. Unfortunately, it's most likely to motivate people to cut their ears off with kitchen shears. That said, Seize the Day! has Terry Bradshaw working in its favor. Unbeknownst to me until about 30 minutes ago, the former Pittsburgh Steeler and current, unofficial male pattern baldness spokesman has recorded SIX gospel and country-western albums, and has the voice of a giant, redneck seraph.
Get Motivated!: In its motivational ranks, Get Motivated! has Rudy Giuliani and Lou Holtz. Great guys, really annoying speech impediments.
WINNER: Seize the Day! Seriously, listen to these dulcet tones.
AND THE WINNER IS ...
IT'S A TIE! Put down the Atari joystick and go to both events, fat ass. Or just watch this.
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