Tuesday, October 19, 2010

"Real Housewives" Ep. 3: White people only eat canned food, processed meats

Posted By on Tue, Oct 19, 2010 at 12:45 PM

Phaedra Parks: God I am so classy. Dont you love my exquisite 70s porn wood-paneled basement
  • NBC Universal
  • Phaedra Parks: God I am so classy. Don't you love my exquisite '70s porn wood-paneled basement
God, Phaedra Parks on "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" is such a damn classy woman. I mean, first off, she's on the most sophisticated reality-soap opera around. Andy Cohen doesn't let just any delusional Atlantan on the show. And she's a successful entertainment lawyer, a true Southern lady. And she's marrying ex-con Apollo just months after he knocked her up following getting out of prison. See, Apollo is no different than Martha Stewart, she says, because he was simply caught racketeering. Oh, OK, who isn't? Apollo is really hot, it's true. He's very sexual. But he's also kind of like a doofus, the way he holds his fork and knife while trying to eat, or his inability to put together a sentence in an acceptable amount of time. We don't have all day, Apollo. He's one of those hot guys who is really sweet but dumb as a door-knob. Phaedra says she dated Apollo in college—you know, before his five years in prison—and that's why they got together so quickly after he released. Damn, she is so classy. But don't forget, fellow housewife Countless Luann taught us something about class.

Phaedra and Apollo invite the most asexual couple from their church over to dinner to help with their relationship, even though it's still new and a very preggers Phaedra hasn't even had her baby yet. What is your language of love? the church couple asks at a very unwelcoming family dinner. "Quality time," says ex-con Apollo, who after five years of isolation or shower-time fun probably just wants some stability and love. "Gifts," answers Phaedra. Uh oh. Material things aren't love, Phaedra, surely your religious institution will teach you that! Except the church couple didn't correct her. Instead, they advised Apollo to talk to Fake-dra's assistants about what kind of things she likes and needs. "I want to talk to her, not her assistants," Apollo said. Too bad. If anything, when Apollo does buy Phaedra gifts, it'll probably be from her own bank account, the allowance checks he'll be receiving every week, a different kind of prison, a prison of his own making.

There's more trouble in high class paradise. Apollo is bi-racial, so for him to have a white parent is a big disadvantage when it comes to how they'll raise their child. First off, Phaedra believes this child should be raised old-fashioned, seen and not heard, like how she was raised. And now, after a childhood of deprivation and no self-expression, she is the well-adjusted social climber, ex-con marrying woman we see on TV today. Then we learn Apollo doesn't like "very elaborate dishes" because he grew up in a white household. See, white households aren't "used to all this fancy stuff," they only eat "canned foods and packed meat," but fine food connoisseur Phaedra only eats the best Sesame Chicken Lean Cuisines. Maybe packed meats are the only thing Apollo can cut. Seriously, it's like watching a kid struggling to tie his shoes for the first time.

Meanwhile, fellow newcomer Cynthia is having some marriage drama on her own. She can't remember all the times she's been proposed to, being that someone so beautiful gets proposed to on a regular basis, and her fiance Peter Thomas has given her an ultimatum to get married before his 50th birthday or call it quits. Her sister and assistant, or sis-tant, Malorie listens to the same old complaints from Cynthia because she has to, Cynthia is the pretty one. Cynthia Cynthia Cynthia. Malorie is practically a year younger, but looks a decade older. Sis-tant must be so sick of living in her pretty model sister's shadow, yet she chooses to torture herself by being her personal assistant. Malorie points out that it's whenever the ring comes that Cynthia freaks out, but Cynthia brags to Mal that her fiance is custom making a ring. For Cynthia, though, her parent's relationship was dysfunctional and she doesn't ever want to be dependent on a man the way her mother was. Are you listening NY Housewife Ramona? Maybe you can help Cynthia out with a renewal. Instead, Cynthia will force the ugly sister to be dependent on her. You know, women's lib.

Phaedra need not to look at bi-racial hunky hunk Apollo to learn about white households, she should look no further than the show's white heroine poster-child Kim Zolciak, on her way to the White Party (white party???) to perform her worldwide smash hit single "Tardy for the Party." I don't get Kim's assistant Sweetie. First off, her name is Sweetie. Second, she just puts up with Kim's abuse, and for what? Drugs? Wigs? So Kim is debasing Sweetie while they pack Louis Vuitton suitcase after LV suitcase full of wigs, boots, slutty corsets, slutty Spanx and other weekend trip essentials. They rent a yellow Lamborghini, with a limo to carry Kim's luggage behind her, and head to Palm Springs for the Big Gay Partay. Cruising in her Lamborghini, Kim has to pee really bad. Like really bad. Like pee her pants bad. So they pull over to a little highway hole in the road, and there's only an outhouse. While screaming at Sweetie to hold the door, Kim relieves herself, yelling, "This is when I wish I had a weiner!" Or maybe she meant, I wish I still had my weiner. She thought she wanted it back then, but before she knew it, she was in Sausage Fest.

Kim was in total diva mode, going to fittings to be dressed like a demented stripper Prom date and then to a big party. Everyone at the White Party is gay, period, end of story, but she kept coming on to all the muscle men. What happened to Big Poppa? What happened to true love? Outside the party she was interviewed by some gay guy and a drag queen (who's name is Candi, I think, like good ol' Kandi!), who Kim already knew. Isn't it weird when drag queens look better—and more natural—than real women? Next it was time for the big rehearsal, and Kim was freakin' on the weekend. How could she be expected to remember such complicated moves as walk forward, then backward, and lip-sync the lyrics of her only song. It's hard out there for a Housewife. Luckily Kandi was there, the Frankenstein to a grotesque monster gone awry, and she begrudgingly saved Kim's performance. “Kim has one single and she’s acting like Lady Gaga," Kandi said. You only have yourself to blame, Kandi. Thank God for Kim Zolciak, setting the record straight on white households everywhere.

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