Wednesday, October 27, 2010

"Real Housewives of Atlanta" Ep. 4: The high price of beauty

Posted By on Wed, Oct 27, 2010 at 5:16 PM

BAM! Nenes new nose.
Quick—someone, Kim—intervene! Before we know it, Nene could pull a Heidi Montag. You know, the pressures of fame and constantly being perfect can have a toll on the ladies of Bravo, and Nene was feeling the stress this week on the "Real Housewives of Atlanta." I heard that Bentley Cadence, Maci's son on "Teen Mom", was going under the knife soon. It's really too bad, the guy never even had a chance.

Nene's been going through some problems at (her rented) home. Nene's marriage to pastel-sweater-loving Gregg is on the rocks and her son Bryce is a useless delinquent. Nene tries to set a good example for Bryce by being such a productive member of society thorough her educational television program, but he just still doesn't get it. Then, on top of that, former BFF Duh-white has replaced Nene with Phaedra, who is so damn classy I can't even take it. What's a Nene to do? Get a breast reduction, liposuction and nose job, that's what. Sure, Nene's nose was big, but so was her head, body, breasts and persona. She's a big lady! So while this new nose is nothing unusual for someone as internationally famous as Nene, it just looks wrong on her body. Plus, she said she only had her nostrils taken in. Lie! Why is a nostril procedure any better than fessing up to a nose job? I'll never understand the levels of plastic surgery acceptance in their world. Botox, excellent. Nostril relocation, fantastic. Boob job, keep 'em coming. But a nose job? Heavens no!

Respected local artiste Dr. Whiteman put Nene out, and girlfriend was OUT. Her incoherent ramblings were some of them best one-liners of the night. Calling Kim from the hospital bed: "Kim, I'm right around the block." Calling Sheree: "I got a surprise for you. I get to wear one of your bras." In fact, the whole episode was very slap-stick comedy, in the vein of greats Charlie Chaplin and the Three Stooges. Maybe Atlanta housewives are the comic relief to the drama of the other cities. But, noticeably absent at the big surgery was Nene's husband Gregg. Bad move, G. She wasn't going to let Gregg ruin her new nose, though. The day of her surgery, still completely anesthesia-drunk, she was ready to party: "I’m ready to drink. The bitch is back!"

Speaking of doctors, Sheree's in looove. In love with a Love Doctor. Except he has no medical degree and knows nothing about dating or else why would he be single still? Tiy-E Muhammad, who you may recognize from epic TV flop "The Real Gilligan's Island," is Sheree's new love interest, and I can see why she can't keep her hands off this hair-plugged Lothario. During his seminar on "why black woman can't find a successful black man," he sums it up with ketchup: Women, he instructs, do not open the ketchup bottle on dates. Let the man do it, so he feels like a man. Men feel masculine when they're opening condiment packaging, and to open ketchup yourself, women, is the same as castrating their penis off their body in the middle of the Houlihan's that you took your cheap date to. Of course, Sheree doesn't go on dates where they serve ketchup, so this must be a case of romantic opposites attract. I hope they have a happy, lasting relationship of threes or fours of episodes together.

Maybe Fake-dra and Apollo should teach seminars on healthy relationships since she is the arbiter of Southern class and he is, um... and also because they are so in love. Yet, Phaedra brought Dwight, not her fiance, to the horse race. And now that you mention it, Apollo wasn't even at Phaedra's baby shower. It was Dwight who did the ceremonious virgin-sacrifice dance with Phaedra. What was the baby shower of the "black Tammy Faye Bakker,” as Cynthia called Phaedra, like? Well, it wasn't like a baby shower. It was more how I imagine a Baptist church fashion show to be like if it was MC-ed by a drag queen. The host of the 150 person event I understand was born a woman but had the look and voice of a top-notch drag queen. Phaedra has rhinestone makeup in between each fake eyelash, and it is truly scary. Her make-up all season so far has made her look trashier and worse than how she looks natural. That means you need a new make-up artist, but she'll only learn that when her episodes air now, when it's too late.

Each woman was to wear a hat, gloves and be escorted by a man to their assigned table. I expected Phaedra to be sitting in a giant egg with people chanting ritualistic prayers around her. Cynthia, Kim, Kandi and former housewife Lisa Wu Hartwell (who is so stunning and pulls off bright red lipstick like it ain't nothing) were all in attendance at the affair, and as Cynthia put it: “Someone stab me in the neck and put me out of my misery!” Or as Kandi put it: "Bourghetto. Bourgee [bourgeois] and ghetto at the same time." Or as Kim put it: "Damn, I wish I was tardy for this party." (Okay, she didn't say that, but she thought it). Kim's face when the ballerina dancers sprinkling feathers on the floor swished by her table—yes, that did happen—was that of, I can't believe this bitch out trashed me. But it happened Kim, believe it.

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