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Tuesday, November 2, 2010

"Real Housewives" Ep. 5: It's always the classy ones who put powdered sugar in their va-jay-jays

What better way to spend your Mothers Day than hearing Phaedra talking about packing her hoo-ha?
  • NBC Universal
  • What better way to spend your Mother's Day than hearing Phaedra talk about her hoo-ha?
Business magazine Ad Age released a new report yesterday linking personality traits to the TV shows consumers watch. In their effort to match brands with audiences, they found that creative people watch "Mad Men" and prefer brands like Apple, or that people who consider themselves superior to others are 47% more likely to watch "The Office." But they also found that "pugnacious" people who "value honesty over keeping the peace" are more likely to watch the "Real Housewives." I guess those people are also more likely to be on the show. Viewers of the "very advertiser friendly" program prefer brands like Botox and Crest Whitestrips, but I think they left off sugar—I mean, powdered sugar.

The traditional Southern debutant classiness of Miss Phaedra Parks is well documented in my blog. In fact, any reader who suggests otherwise must be jealous of the stylish, sophisticated, powerful Atlanta lawyer. But classiness is open to interpretation, as she likes to talk about putting powdered sugar in her vagina. Also: she is a terrible liar, which makes me question her skills as an ex-con marrying attorney. Also also: she takes pictures sucking on really big pickles. But this story begins with Kandi.

Earlier this season, Kandi vowed to try to stay celibate while dating (though I think oral sex was okay for her). She wanted to date seriously and find a man that would be a great husband and great father to her child Riley. So how does Sister Kandi express her commitment to celibacy? By hosting the online sex show "Kandi Koated Nights." Ouch, my stomach just contracted in pain. I'd maybe listen to sex advice from Nene. Hell, even Phaedra probably has a few tricks up her billowy sleeve if she's keeping that hot piece of ex-con hunkiness Apollo. But Kandi? Fail. It's always the sexless ones who are the first to talk about sex. Kim goes on the show, you know since she hates the limelight and doesn't want to talk about her true life lesbian affair, and she's asked if her relationship with Big Poppa is cheating. Kim explained it kind of like the "Sex and the City" episode where a man had an uptown girlfriend and a downtown girlfriend, and the lines were never to be crossed. Of course Kim doesn't think it's cheating because Big Poop's wife and children live on the West Coast, but he lives in Atlanta. Makes perfect sense.

Speaking of love and sex, Sheree is still looking for money in all the wrong places. I have a twisted kind of respect for gold diggers. I guess you have to respect them to watch these shows. These women across all the cities know what they want, sacrifice some morality, and get filthy rich even when they aren't that pretty or charming. I think having a sugar daddy sounds like the American dream. I'm no expert on it, as everyone I've dated is broke and I end up having to pay for them, but it seems to me Sheree is doing it backwards. Even though money is your ultimate goal, aren't you supposed to be secretive about that? Aren't you supposed to convince them you're in love, get married without a prenupt, and then you reveal your true motives? Tiy-E, Sheree's love interest, does not have the money she's looking for. You know when she pulled up to his stucco condominium complex that a cold bead of sweat went down her boney spine. Tiy-E, who is a "love doctor" much like Kandi is a "sex expert," makes dinner for Sheree at his apartment. He's trying to be flirty, making her lick cookie dough from his finger, getting her to cut strawberries ("Manual labor!" cried Sheree), and eventually taking his shirt off to reveal a mediocre body at best. He's no Apollo. Tiy-E needs to lose the Rico Suave act. And he needs to shave his head, he'd look so much better without the blotchy balding spots. And he needs to drop Sheree and go on a VH1 dating show like every other respectable reality show dater.

Since everything has to be a production, Phaedra hired Atlanta photographer Spark St. Jude to take pregnancy pictures. These are no black-and-white Demi Moore naked stomach shots. These are Sparky snapping some pics of Phaedra eating really big pickles on her back porch. Phaedra didn't even have any cravings for pickles, she was just being classy. Sparky truly has a gift. But before you know it, it's time to put the pickles away (don't ask me where Phaedra put them) and go to Cynthia's Mother's Day party.

All the women, except Kim, bring one prerequisite child to the gathering and Kandi even brings her mom. As Nene put it: "Phaedra and her ex-con husband. Oh, great, that's how I wanna spend my Mother's Day." Nene's recovered amazingly from her boob job, nose job and tummy tuck. I have to give it to Nene: she went bra shopping with Cynthia, and still Nene had no hang-ups about getting down in her bra with the professional model. At one point at the dinner, Nene brings up cheating to Cynthia's grandfather fiance Peter. Does that mean she suspects Gregg of cheating? Peter says that her marriage to Gregg of 13 years is failing because Nene's not good in bed. Woah. You do not cross Nene. She could eat Peter for breakfast. It was really out of line, but it was not the most shocking thing from the dinner.

"Kandi Koated Nights" comes up, and Kandi is eager to share fun lil' tidbits of girl talk, like shoving bags and bags of granulated sugar up your hoo-ha. Doesn't seem very hygienic. Phaedra pipes right in, saying she prefers packing her va-jay-jay with powdered sugar, cause it's sweeter. And this is over dinner. I wasn't even eating and I almost projectile vomited, I don't know how those women kept their food down. Nene, who comes across as so aggressive, said she's actually really passive in bed, opting to be the "wide receiver." Maybe Peter has a point? Nene said she doesn't want to hear about sticking sugar, maple syrup, Tabasco sauce, butter cream frosting, nothing up Phaedra's cho-cha, and that's the short list.

Phaedra, the high powered Atlanta attorney, also doesn't know how far along she is pregnant or when she's due. That is insane. That is pure insanity. She said she was 34 weeks along, yet she can barely stand-up her stomach is so huge. She's about to explode! Her Classiness obviously can't admit that either: A) The baby was conceived before she married the ex-con, or B) It's another man's baby. But shouldn't an attorney be able to lie better than she did? It's questions like these on a Kandi Koated Nights that leave me melancholy and alone, fetal position underneath my bedspread, on the gray days to follow.

On that sad note, I'll leave you with my love Andy Cohen's appearance on SNL's "Women of SNL." The girls have a little reunion.

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