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Monday, November 8, 2010

"Real Housewives of Atlanta" Ep. 6: This life didn't mean a thing

Posted By on Mon, Nov 8, 2010 at 6:24 PM

When you have a God-given talent like Kims, it would just be cruel to deny the world your voice
  • NBC Universal
  • When you have a God-given talent like Kim's, it would just be cruel to deny the world your voice
My gig at Creative Loafing was getting a little old, so I was thinking about what my next gig should be. Fashion designer of He by Bob-bay? No. High-class entertainment lawyer? Nah. Wait—what about international singing superstar? Yes, of course! That's what I'll be! All I need is Kandi Burress's modest talents, and I too can become an pop sensation.

Kim Zolciak is already a musical titan to be reckoned with, and the latest "Behind the Music"—I mean, "Real Housewives of Atlanta"—gave us another look into the whirlwind life of a major recording artist. One minute, you're America's sweetheart with songs like "Tardy for the Party" and, um, and the next minute you're being ousted by a RuPaul wannabe. A RuPaulabe. Kandi Burress is sick of Kim's diva attitude, even though she's a monster of her own creation. Sure Kim's sold millions of records and is beloved the world over, but Kandi has a Grammy and she's still down to earth (kind of). Kandi produced Kim's first hit but she wasn't paid properly, so instead of simply not working with an artist who doesn't pay you, Kandi tries to make Kim jealous. First, she introduces Kim to her latest pet project, Lawrence, Sheree's hairdresser who's become something of a regular on the show. How does Kandi even know Lawrence? The Real Housewives universe continues to shrink. Kandi wants to groom Lawrence into this generation's RuPaul (how lucky for us, mumbled this generation), and he can actually belt out some gospel here or there. I was actually invited to Lawrence's debut party at Aurum Lounge earlier this summer (true story!), but I was too busy rearranging my sock drawer that night. Kim is jealous of Lawrence, making that face like she's going to vomit that Kim does so well. She's being replaced like the former Destiny's Child member who was randomly in Phaedra's office telling her story. Really, what was that about? It's a cruel world out there.

Then she gives Kim a new song, "The Ring Didn't Mean a Thing." This song is so near and dear to Kim's implanted heart, a song with so much emotional attachment for Mistress Kim and Big Poppa, that she knew it had to be a hit with kept women all over the world. But Kandi delivered a song with quick pitch-changes and variety in singing to a techno beat, something Kim is incapable of doing. Insult to injury, Kandi then performed it in the studio—and for the cameras. We get what Kandi is trying to do, showing the world she's the more talented one and trying to compete with Kim. But honestly, Kandi, you're not that great of a singer. K sorry thanx.

Next I flipped to another favorite show, "Hoarders"—no wait, it's just Kim's garage sale. Kim's storage unit literally made me claustrophobic. Her OCD nature was scary, with enough gaudy, tasteless furniture to fill 10 mirrored Atlanta townhouses. She decided to unload this waste from her life with the help of her mustached father in the "Burgers Shakes Fries" parking lot. That's the name of the restaurant. If you're going to try to sell a used bedroom set for $4000, I'd recommend Ebay. Kim probably doesn't know how to use Ebay, she should g-o-o-g-l-e it. With her kids hawking "designer clothes" on the side of the six-lane street, I'm not too sure she made much money. Sour from a poor day of sales, Kim poured out her coffee travel mug and got Sweetie to put wine in it, at 11 in the morning. Wait, is "Intervention" now on?

The ladies went to see Kim at the garage sale, not Sheree though because she only goes to high class estate sales, and Phaedra was still lying about how far along her pregnancy is. Finally, the girls started to call her out on it to her face. Kim, a UConn registered nurse (God I would be terrified with my life in her hands), said she must be lying about a baby daddy. “The ladies are grilling me about the due date," whined Phaedra. "Nobody has a job. They have to do something to fill up their spare time!” They do have a job, Fakedra, it's called being an international pop superstar!

Later, Nene invited Cynthia and her fiance Peter into the Leakes House of Pain, in which the couple were able to marvel and feel helpless as they watched Nene and her husband Gregg's 13 year marriage collapse. Nene got shwasted and was telling Gregg he's not a good communicator, while Cynthia and Peter watched in horror. Gregg, in all his backwards wisdom, said communication isn't about talking, and he doesn't like to talk. Then Nene gave Cynthia a tour of "Gregg's apartment," meaning the basement where he spends all of his time and sleeps there. What's so weird about sleeping in your basement away from your wife? Nothing wrong with that people, move along. Finally, Nene tells Cynthia she wants to get a divorce.

I like how Cynthia unapologetically likes older men. Her grandpa fiance is so old, and when she sees old Gregg looking very average, she's like, "Gurl, Gregg is looking fine tonight." Nene and I were like, "What?" But that's what Cynthia likes, and even though she's gorgeous and could have any man in the universe, she's true to her heart. Peter foreshadowed that he'd have a ring for Cynthia "when she least expects it," so Cynthia, be surprised during your next scheduled camera time together when he hands you a ring. But remember the words of sage Kim, the ring didn't mean a thing.

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