Monday, November 15, 2010

"Real Housewives" Ep. 7: Are the Housewives bad for Atlanta?

Posted By on Mon, Nov 15, 2010 at 5:21 PM

Sheree Whitfield: Atlantas dancing queen
Now in its third season, the question comes up again: Are the Housewives bad for Atlanta? Okay, so I'm bringing it up, but bad for what exactly? The six Housewives certainly help the local economy with their conspicuous consumption (but does it still count when the purchases are repossessed?). I'm not sure many people had a preconceived image of Atlanta before the show, so is it now shaded by six entitled women? With AMC's "The Walking Dead" showing zombies destroying Atlanta on Sunday, the same time our Housewives also slowly damage Atlanta, it's a lot for our poor lil' city to handle. But I think the fundraiser Sheree participated in last night's episode already cemented Atlanta's demise. That's it: we're doomed.

Is Sheree good for Atlanta? Is Sheree good for humanity? As has been well documented on the show, Sheree kept "putting [her] desires on the back burner." It was never about Sheree and she's always thinking of others, poor lady. Sometimes you just need to treat yourself to a hot fudge Sundae or a big blockbuster movie—not matinee but nighttime showing with popcorn and candy—so instead, Sheree bought herself a new Aston Martin. Good for her! Though it has since been repossessed, Sheree is now in a "happy" place. But what about her children? I'd doubt they are in such a happy place. One is as young as 10 but is never seen with her mom. It's amazing Sheree's 20-something daughter is as normal as she is.

Sheree participated in a “Dancing Stars of Atlanta” fundraiser for the Georgia Alzheimer’s Association, and if anyone knows rhythm and dancing, it's Sheree "White Girl" Whitfield. As Kim put it, Sheree's never danced on a stage, a pole or anything. How does this woman live? Sheree was so convinced she looked hot and sexy on the stage, but the only hot one was her Southern dance partner Derrick. All the gays want him to be on the team, but God just didn't intend it that way. Other celebrities at the fundraiser included a redneck football player and some other people I had never heard of. That's it, the Alzheimer Association is bad for Atlanta.

Is Nene bad for Atlanta? She's certainly no good for local charities. (Though remember her battered woman charity's Sunday hat brunch from the first season? What happened to that?) All the women, excluding 3-months pregnant Phaedra—no, scratch that, just got inseminated Phaedra went to the charity. The ladies were not impressed with Sheree's dancing, though honestly, she got all 9's from the judges. During the fund-raising portion, Nene insisted they all donate only $20. Woah. I don't get into the "You are not classy" Housewives debate, but Nene, You. Are. Not. Classy.

Is Kim bad for Atlanta? Moving on...

Is Phaedra bad for Atlanta. Why yes, yes she is. Since she only had sex for the first time yesterday, it's amazing The Virgin Phaedra is already about to pop out her very own demon-spawn. I mean, that doctor must really be crazy in the coconut for popping out a fetus that underdeveloped. As a successful entertainment lawyer, she should look into a malpractice suit. Phaedra is so smart, she knows exactly how she wants to raise her baby. First with a belly band, which would be a silver fifty-cent piece with a rubber band around a baby's belly to keep them from having an outie belly button. Because if her baby has an outie belly button, she's throwing it away in the Chattahoochee River. Okay back up. What is a silver fifty-cent piece and where would you get one? Second, I'm no Dr. Tiy-E, but couldn't that choke the baby and kill it? I suppose still better than being an outie freak.

I think Cynthia is good for Atlanta, but I don't know if she's good with her new fiance Peter. In the most meta engagement ever, Peter proposed to Cynthia while their friends watched it unfold. It's like "reality theater" on "reality TV." Woah. Nene and a few others come over to Cynthia's house, spreading rose petals and lighting candles for when the two love birds arrive. Peter gets down on one knee and rushingly guilts Cynthia into marrying him. She can't say no when all her friends are sitting right there! Peter puts the ring on her right hand—wrong—and says he did it his way, not the intimate way she wanted. Sounds like the beginning of a great marriage! At least Cynthia will look breathtaking in a wedding dress.

So, in conclusion fellow culture intellectuals, I still think the Housewives are good for Atlanta, if such a thing can be quantitative. Scratch that, good for the world, because of gifts like this:

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