Monday, November 29, 2010

"Real Housewives of Atlanta" Ep. 9: Men are from Mars, women are from Atlanta

Posted By on Mon, Nov 29, 2010 at 5:54 PM

Nene Leakes: Why, God, why did Gregg beat me to the punch of this divorce
  • NBC Universal
  • Nene Leakes: "Why, God, why did Gregg beat me to the punch of this divorce"
How was everyone's Thanksgiving? Did you eat their body weight in dead fowl, only to feel horrible about your self-image the rest of the weekend? Great! My holiday was wonderful, thanks for asking, but I have a feeling some of our Housewives had less than festive Thanksgivings. Namely, Nene Leakes, whose marriage problems escalated in last night's episode of "Real Housewives of Atlanta." You know, it's amazing that human society has been able to function this long given how terribly males and females communicate together. With such different modes of rationale and emotional reactions, it seems like the universe was predestined to have men versus women. I'm amazed anyone has babies at all. The men on last night's episode really lost one for the team, and great, just what we need—another entitled prick named Prince Ayden Adonis Parks on the scene.

Dr. Tiy-E Mohammad has become the scourge of my life, and Sheree's as well. After briefly dating, it finally came out that the "Love Doctor" is no doctor at all—gasp! All my ENT medical professionals and surgeons introduce themselves with nicknames like "Love Doctor" or "Dr. Feel Good." I have a check-up with Dr. Happy Pills pretty regularly. But Tiy-E's fraudulent resume finally broke the straw on the camel's back. In her defense, Sheree tried to have an open mind when dating Tiy-E, as much as she could. When he mentioned he was staying in a Holiday Inn, she held the vomit in her mouth, letting it rot her teeth, instead of spewing all over him. That's sweet. And when he made a crappy dinner instead of taking her out to a five-star meal, she tried to convince herself it was endearing. But this lying about a doctor thing has got her twisted.

Meeting at local favorite Highland Bakery, she went for it: "You say you’re a 'doctor,'" Sheree says, to which he quickly comes back with "You say you're a 'woman.'" In Tiy-E's masculine, defensive mind, proving you're a doctor is as impossible as proving your women. But actually, it's really easy to tell. See, if you have a vagina (powdered-sugared or not), you're a woman. And if you have a PhD, you're a doctor. Easy peezy. Sheree begrudges that "not once" did Tiy-E invite her to breakfast, lunch or dinner since he had been back in town, to which he replied "Why does a man have to feed you to talk to you?" But Tiy-E, wait. Wasn't your whole spiel to let a man feel like the man, opening ketchup bottles and all? That's what you probably wrote your whole "PhD thesis" on! So what happened to that theory? Sheree pointed out that Tiy-E is very "tit-for-tat" and that's exactly right. If I buy you dinner, what are you going to do for me? If I spend $15 on you, you owe me. I hate people like that because they're so not fun to go out to dinner with, plus they resent you your whole natural life.

Finally, Tiy-E pulled out his "PhD papers," otherwise known to actual doctors as a diploma, folded up on cheap white printer paper from his pocket, but he wouldn't show it to Sheree. Finally, after the acerbic break-up was complete, Tiy-E told her "peace and love" with the sleaziest grimace, did a kiss-peace sign (gross!!!) and walked off. You have to hand it Sheree, I would have punched him in the face. Okay, I take it back, men may be from Mars, but Tiy-E is straight up Uranus. Zing!

Nene, having never worked an office job her whole life until this episode (and I'm using the term "work" loosely), is a real independent woman now that she won't be dependent on her husband Gregg. Neens is working at 11Alive news with sage hostest with the mostest Karen Greer. Nene came into the office acting like she owned it—which I HATE—and talking down to the IT guy like he's so cute and special. If there's one thing IT people aren't good at, it's picking up on social cues, and I think he just wanted to get away from Nene as quickly as possible. While at her bland cubicle, Nene stumbled upon a blog with her husband, Gregg, talking to a radio DJ about their dissolving marriage. Nene was pissed, wanting this to be a personal matter not for the world to find out—at least not until this season of Housewives aired. She went to see a divorce lawyer on camera, but he can't talk to a radio show? I feel like she was sad that he beat her to the punch. Gregg told his good friend-slash-radio shock jock personality Corey King of Large FM (a radio DJ release this information to the world! How rude!) that he had spent $300,000 making Nene into who she is (as to who Nene is, that's still up for debate) and that he wants it all back. Gregg is acting very "tit-for-tat" too, which is a clear sign that he values the little money he has over the important things in life, like Nene. Nene is an important thing in my life anyway. Someone with real money wouldn't care about what he spent on his wife over 13 years. And if anything, Nene has by far made more money than her husband now, which she pointed out. She has probably been supporting him, and in fact, that change in gender roles probably has a lot to do with their troubles.

A woman would never go on a sleazy radio show for free and dish out that kind of information. Only a man would do that. A woman would hold out for an offer from Us Weekly, or at least TMZ. Guru Greer advised Nene atop her 11Alive perch, "Dogs don’t bark at parked cars," but I think Nene thought she was calling her a bitch.

And just what we need: a new entitled man comes into the picture, except this one is a week old: Ayden Adonis Parks, Phaedra's new baby. Apollo wants to call him Adonis, which is so Apollo, as if he's naming a pet that's going to win dog fights. Meanwhile, Phaedra is dressing him up in sweater outfits from the same person Oprah uses and saying that she's "chained to the baby" now. What a happy new mother! God, when this kid turns out gay, it's going to be hell.

Men and women are really from different planets, but thank the lord for the bond between two women, or specifically mother and daughter, for such a special relationship is truly divine. Speaking of divine, Kim Zolciak is buying her disgusting 13-year-old daughter Brielle an abstinence ring. Of course Kim is applying a diamond band-aid to the situation after a whole lifetime of acting like a whore in front of her children. What if you had to call your mom's new boyfriend "Big Poppa?" Scary. Her family acts like it's such a great commitment that Brielle is accepting this honking diamond ring and promising to stay abstinent until 19 (the age Kim claims she got pregnant) only to probably get knocked up the day of her 19th birthday. Is that what the kids are doing these days? Abstinence rings? At 13 I was scared of dying a virgin who couldn't drive. And honestly, that fear has never left me.

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