Monday, December 6, 2010

"Real Housewives of Atlanta" Ep. 10: Put the Spark St. Jude in your love life

Posted By on Mon, Dec 6, 2010 at 6:11 PM

Look, over there, its your dignity.
Love love love. Some people have it, some people want it, and some people hire Patti Stanger of "Millionaire Matchmaker" to set them up with escorts. But the women of "Real Housewives of Atlanta" know a little something else about romance. After all my berating of Love Doctor Tiy-E Muhammad (hey look what I found scouring the CL archives!), I kind of miss his oozing sliminess now that he's gone. Isn't that just the way love goes? Luckily, his lessons of gender studies and power roles seems to have made an impression on his fellow castmates' relationships. So this week on the "Real Divorcées of Atlanta"...

Kim's a lesbian! Kim's a lesbian! Kim's found a way to bypass Tiy-E's rigid dating rules of the gender dichotomy by swimming in the lady pond. What's everyone's problem, Kim complains, she only scissored internationally-known DJ Tracy Young—get over it! This whole time I thought it was Kim fabricating a lesionic relationship for the press, but Tracy is just as into it, if not more, calling her "baby girl" and flying down to Atlanta to lovingly support Kim as she assaults our eardrums in the name of music. Or maybe she wants the press too. There's something a little off about Tracy, something's a little unstable sounding in her attempt at a sexy voice. But what could she possibly see in Kim? Is it the cigarette smell of her breath? The dried vomit in her wigs? Her orange mask of a face? I'm totally okay with Kim being a publicity bisexual whore, but it's the part that anyone would find her attractive that's so confusing.

The last time Kim saw vocal coach Jan Smith, things didn't go so well. As in Jan told Kim that her voice was like a pretty house exterior with a seriously cracked foundation, and thus Jan summed up everyone on the show. But things are different now. Kim is serious. Music is her life. This is her life passion. So with international lesbian Tracy Young by her side. she is ready to face the dragon again. Jan is a real professional, trying her hardest to help Kim without saying "You are a horrible human being" in so many words. You know when you're shopping and everything is so outrageously expensive, but then you find a $50 hoodie, which isn't that great of a deal, but at $50 it seems like a steal compared to the $800 boots? After listening to Kim moan and heehaw all season on the song, she actually sounded comparably better after Jan's help. Kind of. Way to go Jan! But that was just for vocal training. No!!! So in Kim went, back into the studio the next day to lay down the track. It was not a success. Will Kandi ever be able to wash her hands of this?

DJ Lezzy Young accompanied Kimberly to Kandi's Drag Race, which is easy to confuse with "RuPaul's Drag Race" given all the airbrushed make-up and wigs. As some sort of promotion for her singing career, Kandi's manager planned an event where Kandi and Sheree race their own cars down a fraction of a real racetrack. Kandi's in her Mercedes with her best frenemy Kim. Sheree's in her brand new Aston Martin with DJ Tracy Young. (Subsequently, Sheree's $125,000 car was repossessed last month. Good she got some use out of it in the meantime). They raced, and before you knew it, it was over. Sheree won. Kim died in a terrible, fiery accident, and DJ Tracy Young remixed "Candle in the Wind" in her honor. Ok, that didn't happen, but Kandi was over-the-top pissed she lost. Like eyes-twitching, neck veins bulging. As Kim would say, "Get over it."

Sheree is a serious ack-treese, blah blah blah, oh what's that smell of baby poop? It's just baby poop! While having another photo shoot for their baby Ayden Adonis, who isn't a gay club promoter...yet, Phaedra and hunk of man Apollo contort their baby for the pleasure of photographer Spark St. Jude. Go Sparky! For some more "artistic" shots, Spark gets Apollo to take his shirt off, and they do look more artistic! Thank you for that, Sparkles! Then, when Ayden Adonis is naked and twisted in his mother's nurturing arms, he rips a big juicy poop-fart all over Phaedra. Ayden Adonis. I can tell you and I are going to be friends already.

But it's not all poop jokes and lesbian sex, people. There's a serious decision going on: Cynthia's choice. Cynthia must choose between her depressed friend Nene and her fiance Peter. What's a model to do? Nene, who's become something of a recluse and even more self-pitying, is on the verge of divorce from her husband Gregg after he aired their dirty laundry to a radio station last week. She's been needing to talk on the phone—a lot—to Cynthia. Peter, on the other hand, is really stressed out about his failing downtown restaurant, Uptown Lounge, (which closed this year). Peter is sick of Cynthia being on the phone all the time to that crazy Nene Leaks: "When I walk in the house, I want your undivided attention." Has he been reading Tiy-E's "Rules of Dating?" Cynthia starts to cut calls with Nene short when Peter's around, and then at the racetrack, Peter snubbed Nene. She is way too fragile, and way too self-involved, to deal with her friend's fiance dissing her like that. They used to be congenial after all! Nene asks to talk to Peter on the phone, and he immediately goes into attack mode, yelling at her that he has no problem with her. Sure, sounds like it.

Do you think Peter and Nene once had a fling? Atlanta's a small town and there must be an underlying secret making all this more tense. And what can Peter do to ease his stress? Yoga? Shopping? Baking with Kandi's old powdered sugar? I'll start thinking of some suggestions for Pete so he can relax and put the Spark St. Jude back in his relationship with Cynthia, because there's no way he's going to upgrade from that one.

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