Here's the second installment of my list of sportsy-type things that will absolutely, definitely, guaranteed, positively take place over the next 12 months...or not.
I cranked the list up to 11 and each
prediction guarantee is progressively more likely to occur as the numbers fall. In other words, the lower the number, the more likely the events are to happen. (But they're all guarantees, so that shouldn't really matter)
7. Chipper Jones plays season on one leg (literally)
After spending the past seven months rehabilitating from ACL surgery, Chipper Jones starts the season at third base and in his usual No. 3 spot in the Braves batting lineup. Unfortunately, recovering from a torn ACL proves harder than Jones anticipated so, in order to make the Opening Day lineup, Chipper is forced to saw off his left leg in an effort to alleviate the pain of his surgically repaired knee.
In an interesting twist, Jones decides to use his recently detached appendage as a bat for what one can only deduce as an act of nostalgic delusion.
After his first at-bat—where he swings, whiffs, falls over and weeps—Jones decides to retire.
6. Anheuser-Busch releases Matty Ice
In an effort to clear up the confusion surrounding the origin of Falcons QB Matt Ryan's nickname, Matty Ice, the good people at Anheuser-Busch release a commemorative six-pack of their uber popular Natural ICE lager.
A combination of American hops, tap water and used gasoline, 'Natty ICE'—as it's more commonly referred to by the urine-stained frat boys who chug it by the keg-full—is one of the cheapest alcoholic beverages available today.
No one is quite sure what all of that has to do with Ryan, but there's no denying that—regardless of what NFL commentators say—the nickname's origin stems from this delightfully urine-esque beverage:
Armed with these experiences, Evans decides to open up a marriage counseling practice in an effort to educate married couples on his rather extensive list of what not to do after tying the knot:
1. DON'T carouse with a 20-something woman other than your wife
2. DON'T drive said woman home under the influence of alcohol
3. DON'T, under any circumstance, remove said woman's red panties
4. If you happen to get pulled over, DON'T leave said red panties on your lap
5. If any of the above happen (especially No. 4) DON'T weep
Evans will utilize this 5-step method during his marriage counseling sessions before abruptly leaving his practice to go on a martini run with an office intern.
Check back on Wednesday for the grand finale of my 11 sportsy-type things that are guaranteed to occur in 2011. I promise that if you do, you could win a solid gold statue of yourself covered in chocolate syrup. How's that for incentive?
sarcasm, and the lost art therein.
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