Friday, February 25, 2011
Hacking the Academy Award's social network
Posted by Curt Holman @Curt_Holman on Fri, Feb 25, 2011 at 12:00 PM
KingBertie6: M-m-maybe I d-d-d, I don’t want t-t-ton w-win B-B-Best Ac-c-tor. I c-c-c, I —can’t g-g-give an acceptance speech like this!
Zuckerbaby: How do you even distinguish yourself in a population of people who all received Oscar nominations? The Academy Awards are even worse than the Harvard Finals Clubs. And are Anne Hathaway and James Franco even worth my attention? The mimimal amount?
ToyStoryAndy: Hey, how do I join those Finals Clubs? I’m off to college and they sound awesome.
SwanSong: … And stretch the calves, and stretch the quads, and pirouette, and — wait, why is a feather sticking out of my back?
1-EyeRooster: Whut is this, some kind of newfangled telegraph contraption? Makes me no never mind - I have prior bidness at the jakes.
1-ArmMattie: I should win an Oscar because I lost my arm in seeking revenge for my father.
Winter’sB0neGrrl: No, I should win an Oscar because I had to take a chainsaw to my dead father.
KingBertie6: “I w-w-w-, I would like to th-th-thank the Ac-c-c, the Ac-c-c-cad-d-d-, the Ac-“ OH BUGGER BUGGER BUGGER!
1-ArmMattie: No, I should win because losing your own arm is on a mission of vengeance is totally worse than dismembering your dead dad on a mission of mercy.
AaronRalston: Yeah, losing an arm would suck. I can’t imagine such a — Oh. Right.
SwanSong: You know, I could go for some Caraway seeds and saucer of water right about now.
DreamyLeo: OK, now we have to descend into the third dream level to perform the inception while Arthur prepares the gravity distortion to knock us awake. Then, I’ll go to the Shutter Island lighthouse to see if I can uncover the Law of 4 and Who is 67. And after that — wait, am I getting mixed up? Which is the one where I spin the top?
Roman Polanski: Does anyone know what the deal is with Charlie Sheen? Why can't that guy show a little self-control?
NicKidman: I’m just grateful to be nominated. And that my forehead can move again.
JulianneMoore: I wasn’t nominated, so I guess I’ll go watch gay porn.
Zuckerbaby: Look, a guy who makes a nice movie about new media zeitgeist doesn’t owe anything to anyone else who’s ever made a movie about new media zeitgeist. If any of you could have invented a film about Facebook, you would have invented the film about Facebook.
SwanSong: Cluck. Quack. Honk?
FighterGuy: I’m not much good with words. I’m just a regular guy from the streets of Massachusetts. But I did want to say that —
FighterBro: Hey, what I think my brother is trying to say is that it’s fuckin’ awesome that ‘The Fighter’ has done so well and he may not have gotten a Best Supporting Actor nomination or ever knocked down Sugar Ray Leonard, but —
FighterGal: Wait a minute, you don’t speak for him! He can do things for himself! That’s why we decided that *I* should speak for him! Isn’t that right?
FighterGuy: You see, the thing is —
FighterMom: No Bahston bar skank’s gonna get between me and my sons! Let’s take this off-line!
FighterBro: Hold on, Ma. I gotta go because... uh... my nose itches, that's it. I'll be right back.
WhoopiOnView: Did I mention that I won an Oscar 20 years ago?
KingBertie6: FORNICATION! Willy, shit and fuck and … t-t-t-tits.
SwanSong: Who’s going to pay for the after party? Or should I just put it on my bill?
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