Tuesday, March 8, 2011

"The Bachelor": KASEY'S ALIVE!

Posted By on Tue, Mar 8, 2011 at 6:12 PM

Who the fuck is Kasey?
  • "What's a Kasey?"
Last night’s Women Tell All episode was fun. Jackie made stink faces and called Michelle a spider. Michelle, who cares about being a mom all of a sudden, drowned the audience in crocodile tears. Melissa the old lady gelfling and Raichel the “manscaper” acted like 12 year olds with overactive pituitary glands. Ashley H. revealed that she'd turned orange. But, all of the episode's fighting, crying and transforming was overshadowed by several things that were funner. They are as follows:

1. Crowd reaction shots.
I don’t know who you have to blow (Chris Harrison) to be in the audience at one of these things, but I'd like to thank the entirety of the audience for being such good sports about it. How would we know how to react without shots of ladies in the crowd making reactions at one another? Whether they're exchanging knowing looks or sitting mouths agape, they do an awfully good blowjob of reacting in ways that are perfect. And perfectly hilarious.

2. Picture-in-picture.
Nothing in the world could possibly be more uncomfortable than watching someone watch themselves on TV. Nope. Wait. Nothing could possibly be more uncomfortable than watching someone watch themselves cry on TV, then start crying all over again. Ashley S. did this a lot. Poor, poor Ashley S. She always cries when she watches herself cry.

3. Chris Harrison.
My friend Lauren is NOT going to be happy about this, but I officially hate Chris Harrison. He's usually tolerable (barely) because we only have to look at that lipless face for about three and a half minutes each episode (for which I assume he's paid in burlap bags filled with dirty underwear stolen from the bachelorettes). Two hours is too much. Is it just me, or is Chris always on the wrong side? FOR INSTANCE, last night, he kept sticking up for Michelle. Sure, everyone was ganging up on her. But she's an asshole. If I was the host, I would have been like, "Hey, Michelle, you're an asshole, reap what you've sown" (VOTE 4 ME 4 HOST!). He kept calling her a "smart aleck" and agreeing that she's just got a "sarcastic" sense of humor that the other girls in the house didn't understand. Saying things that you don't mean that also are not funny ≠ sarcasm. That is simply saying things you don't mean whilst being unfunny. Also, Chris' hair looked weird (and I mean that).

4. The return of Kasey.
So, early on, there was a brilliant segment about the “Bachelor Family,” which, from what I gather, is like the Manson Family but with more sociopaths and sexual deviants. But, seriously, ABC apparently sets up sexy mixers at which former “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” castoffs get together, drink MDMA-laced wine coolers, and rub their private parts on one another and, probably, inanimate objects they’ve mistaken for one another (then they record it all and call it “Bachelor Pad"). But it wasn’t the implied mingling of fluids that made a glimpse into the debauched world of the Bachelor Family so exciting — IT WAS THE RETURN OF KASEY.

If you didn’t watch “The Bachelorette” last season featuring the pleasantly rodent-faced Ali Fedotowsky, you’re really kicking yourself (physically, right now). Roberto — with his swarthy good looks, dense Mediterranean eyebrows, and chin cleft for sex appeal and storage — may have won Ali’s heart, but Kasey was the real standout. For one, Kasey had a catch phrase: he was there to “guard and protect” Ali’s heart, a thing he very much enjoyed repeating. For twos, Kasey liked to make up songs to sing to Ali. Naturally, Ali didn’t like it when Kasey made up songs to sing to her. Threesies, Kasey got a catchphrase tie-in tattoo whilst on the program, a shield with a heart behind it (guarding and protecting, see) and a bunch of roses to represent his “brothers” on the show. The fourth thing in this pointless list of things I have to say about Kasey is that he is TERRIFYING. The only thing preventing him from being classified as a murderer is that he has yet to actually physically kill people. As far as I know.

The last time we saw Kasey he was standing on a snow-covered mountaintop somewhere in Norland (a place I made up because I’m too lazy to Google where they actually were), waving a forlorn goodbye to Ali as she and his only transportation from atop the frigid apex (a helicopter, doi) flew away. I assumed that Kasey survived for a while by drinking melted snow and eventually eating a few of his frost-bitten extremities, but was ultimately left to perish where he could no longer make tone-deaf moaning noises ("sing") to people.

Alas, there he was. Right there at the Bachelor Family's ice-cream-social-and-sex-orgy, limbs intact, making out with some lady named Erica from a previous season. And he said it: he's still looking for someone to guard and protect his heart. WHY WASN'T HE THE BACHELOR???

Yay. Finale next week.

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