Hooray, it’s Motown night! This is the week we get to see white-bred, middle-American kids’ squirmy dance moves and entirely emotionless, awkward performances. As RDog would say, “They just don’t feel the song.” How could they? #justsayin. How is Scotty “Big Balls” McCreery going to handle this?
Casey Abrams — “I Heard it Through the Grapevine” by Marvin Gaye
Casey is by far the most musically talented kid ever on "AI," and fortunately for us he’s the most muppet-like (Rolf, anyone?). Unfortunately he’s also the most like Jack Black doing a Jack Black impression. When Casey sings, I kind of wish I couldn’t physically watch him, but it’s not because he’s not totally unfortunate-looking, it’s because he makes some serious serial killer-esque faces when he gets into it, kind of like Jack Black. Honestly, he really did this song justice, and it wasn’t boring (because is Jack Black ever boring? Well, maybe in Shallow Hal). But I really wish he’d gone for “Try a Little Tenderness” so he wouldn’t feel like he had to harness the crazy. Give me more, Casey!
Jacob Luther King, Jr. Lusk — “You’re All I Need to Get By” by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell
Oooooh, sing it, QUEEN! Holy Jebus, Mary AND Joseph, Jacob just took it there again! Oh, lawd, how do I explain the Gospel masterpiece that is projecting from this boy in any words other than “HALLELUJAH?!?!” I FINALLY just placed his voice, too. He’s Mahalia Jackson reincarnate. OMG that’s been bugging me for weeks! I remember listening to this one Christmas record (yes on vinyl) as a kid and there was this gospel lady on there who sang “O Holy Night” and that’s who Jacob sounds like, so I literally just called my dad to find the record and tell me who sang it. Thanks, Dad! So, obvi, Jacob got a huge standing O, and in the end RDog and I agree that this performance was the 2nd best performance on "AI" EVER; second only to Jacob’s performance from Hollywood week. Phew! Oh man, I need a cigarette after that one. BRB.
Lauren Alaina — “You Keep Me Hangin’ On” by The Supremes
Our little Georgia girl with that down home southern twang, totally took it to an Xtina Aguilera level… to start. Maybe she felt encumbered by the giant maxi dress she donned for the evening, because she was basically stationary except for her head and her Miss Peach Fuzz pageant arms. Maybe it was that cigarette I just had or the fact that she had to follow Jacob Mahalia Luther King, Jr, but I was just bored with it. SteTy seemed to love it, but JLo and RDog didn’t have a whole lot to say except that it was “good.” Next.
Thia Megia — “Heat Wave” by Martha and the Vandellas
Thia’s been a snoozefest so far. I can hear a voice in there waiting to come out, so maybe she won’t fall asleep, or make ME fall asleep during this one. She’s certainly wearing a cute homecoming dress, I guess to show that she really IS fun and flirty. The song started out pretty great, really, but then OMG she forgot the lyrics! Motown songs have the fewest words than any other genre (unless you consider “Nelly” a genre) and she had to look to her backup singers to give her the line. Sorry, darlin’, but this ain’t Metalsome and they’re not going to coach you like you’ve have one to many Jaeger bombs before trying to belt out “Don’t Stop Believin’” on a Saturday night. Meh, overall it was better than what she’s squeaked out the last two weeks, but still I’m not in lurve yet.
Scotty “Big Balls” McCreery — “For Once in My Life” by Stevie Wonder
Every week thus far I’ve wanted this low low low-voiced country singer to cover “Friends in Low Places” simply so I can download it and rock out to it while rolling through Bankhead on my way to work. What better way to start a Friday? Anyway, “For Once in My Life” is one my favorite songs of all time. Country music is my least favorite genre of all time. Put them together, and what do you get? An awkward middle-American, white-bred teenager twanging out words from a page set to a Richard Cheese soundtrack. SteTy compared him to Glen Campbell, whom I couldn’t pick out of a lineup, and JLo loved that Big Balls “made it his own” and then RDog, who I really expected to tear it apart… didn’t. Ugh, I am so disappointed in you right now, Dog.
In case you didn’t know, "AI" only takes 10 people on its summer tour, so that means the person getting kicked off tonight won’t get to travel on a stinky bus with far too many personalities for 3 months while not making a penny, because each kid has already signed the next year of their life away. Oh cool, we just learned that Marc Anthony stepped in this week to teach the contestants to use those ear pieces that look like hearing aids to keep them from getting too pitchy on stage. Well hell, I’d say it totally worked Wednesday night, but as they perform as a group I guess they weren't allowed to. Aaaaaaaaand it shows. Ain’t no mountain pitchy enough, for shizzle, y’all. Stevie Wonder, complete with sunglasses and hearing aid pitch protectors is here! Oh, I heart him AND his birthday tribute for SteTy, which for some reason reminded me of the animatronic animals at Chuck E. Cheese, but whatevs, I love it! Um, and Sugarland has WHATNOW to do with Motown? It seems Jennifer Nettles forgot her pitch protectors. Fast Forward.
UM, shut the front door, it’s Hulk Hogan! Is the Hulkster really that hard up for money that he has to come on "AI" to declare that McTeeth and Asperger’s made the stinky bus tour? I don’t care because he totes just dropped a bow on Seacrest Out! This show just keeps getting better!!!
So finally we get to the bad news part of it and Stefano and Thia are first to sit on the Stools of Shame and then WHAAAAAAAAAT?!?! Casey Abrams? No no no no no! That seriously can’t be right. Holy god, THIA is safe?! NOOOOOO! Casey got voted off?!?!?! I CAN’T STOP YELLING! LOUD NOISES! So he starts singing, bewildered and confused as I, and Randy makes him stop! The judges are using their one and only SAVE of the season!!! EEEEEK, this it the best decision ever on "AI!" Awwwww, and he can’t even stand up as he goes to hug his momma and he totally almost said, “shit” on live TV, but thank GAWD. Jack Black is back.
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