Paul McTeeth — “Rocket Man” — LOLZ, the Interscope Records guy said, “If this doesn’t work out, we’ll put you in some toothpaste commercials.” Really, I don’t think anyone can touch covering this song after Shatner and Stewie Griffin epically mastered this jam, but McTeeth channeled a little bit of Rod Stewart, like he does, and kind of knocked it out of the park for me. He kept the song tender like a steak from Rathbun's, and Christ, do I love meat.
James Aspergers — “Saturday Night’s Alright” — S-A-TUR-DAY NIGHT! Oh wait, wrong song. Ooooh, he started in the upper deck of the audience. That’s different! I’m engaged. And I lost it when he ran around the rest of the audience. Again. Man, that’s like all he does anymore. Oh hey, but wait! There’s a PIANO on FIRE. That’s awesome! I can’t hear what he’s saying any more because there’s a PIANO on FIRE! I’m totes voting for Aspergers.
Casey Abrams — “Your Song” — I’m glad that Interscope Records guy made Casey watch his Jack Black-Like performance, which he hated, and HOLY SHIT, our favorite Muppet was forced into a barbershop. Is the beard still there? I don’t know! OMG, did he actually shave it off? Nahhh, but he did go for a deep trim, which kind of suits him. While the Case-Monster had a couple of fleeting Jack Black-y moments, he stayed seated next to the once-flaming piano and gently rocked this song OUT. What’s that Tenacious D song that talks about doing something gently? Yeah, Casey just did THAT to this song.
Haley Something — “Bennie and the Jets” — To me, this is Haley’s last chance. She.has.got.to.nail.this.B, and I really hope she does. Well, hello Lily Allen, welcome to the show! Haley finally found her muse in Ms. Allen, and she got diiiiiiirty, y’all. Haley’s working her bluesy growl and even though she’s shouting at the top of her lungs, I LOVE IT. Honestly, I think this child has finally figured out who she is as a budding artist and I hope hope hope the rest of American gets what she just did there. I mean, even RDog said it was the best performance of the night! I TOTES agree!
Naima Adedapo — “I’m Still Standing” reggae remix — I mean how in the world IS Naima still standing? Maybe the tweens lurved her African dance number from last week, but I don’t think their moms have let them start listening to the Wailers quite yet, so I doubt they’ll understand A) why she’s wearing a pinstripe suit with Jamaican flag trim on it or B) any of the words. I mean, honestly, I didn’t hate it. I think it’s a ballsy move, but JLo and RDog clearly thought Naima went a lil' batshit crazy when flipping this song to reggae. SteTy agreed with me, though, which means I am so smart. S-M-R-T.
Thia Megia — “Daniel” — My mom used to own a piece of shit Saab. I mean, what Saab isn’t a piece of shit? But that’s not the point. One time we were stuck in the driveway when the car broke down and this tape was playing (I’m pretty sure) on repeat even though, clearly, tape decks never understood the “repeat” function. Point is, listening to “Daniel” over and over again made me love and respect this song. I get that Thia is singing this song for her actual brother, and this song wasn’t written for anyone’s brother, but Grandma Elton at least had an emotion when he sang it. Thia, not so much.
The results show started off with an unintelligible duet of “I Told You So” by Randy Travis or Carrie Underwood or Keith Urban featuring Big Balls and Miss Peach Fuzz, but they figured out how to annunciate and it sounded pretty good — for a country duet. Then Seacrest Out immediately called them up on stage to start, dun dun dun, THE RESULTS. Ooooh, that’s harsh, but they’re both safe in Dollywood. The first person to head to the Stools of Shame was Naima. Shocker. So then Fantasia performed, and man has she gained a few. I wonder if she’s also gained some literacy. BOOM! OK, that was mean. The next to join Naima was Thia. Shocker. The audience was then treated to a strange medley of Beatles songs performed by Aspergers, McTeeth, Casey and Stefano on actual instruments that they know how to actually play. It’s like they’re in a real band! But no, it was weird and filled with twitches and teeth and Jack Black. Anyway, Casey was super safe this week, so no heart attacks for me, but McTeeth wasn’t as lucky. He joined Sleepyhead and African Queen on the Stools while Jamie Foxx and Will.i.am sang their new hip-pop jam, which is conveniently on the soundtrack to Rio, in theaters April 15, y’all!
In the end, McTeeth is safe for another week and Naima and Thia were axed. I don’t know which one gets to join the stinky bus, and they never made that quite clear, but I think the tour would be fine without either of them.
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Fwiw, Pinewood is in Fayetteville, not Peachtree City.