The Good -
Haley Reinhart — “Rolling in the Deep” by Adele
Ack! I’m thrilled Haley is singing this song, because as I’ve stated in previous weeks, she’s finally found her real voice and has started picking songs that have more of a jazzy feel. This is perfect for her. And oh my lawd, y’all, she NAILED IT! She kept her hair whipping and growling to almost nonexistent and focused solely on singing and feeling the lyrics. Obvi, the judges completely downplayed the awesomeness that just happened and while they said it was great overall, they nitpicked the crap out of it. We know what that means… she’s probably going to be in the bottom three this week.
Casey Abrams — “Harder to Breathe” by Maroon 5
Aaaaaand serial killer Casey is back! I love that guy! The producers of the show went with the fire and brimstone video background, which only added to the creepiness, and holy God this is awesome. His voice was spot on and his Jack Black persona was in the house. Then he completely violated JLo’s personal space by singing at her from about 2 millimeters away from her nose AND THEN HE KISSED HER! I can’t even begin to explain the balls this guy has. THEN SteTy completely forgot this is a PG rated show. We heard him say, “Piss people off,” but then the producers got their hands on the bleep button and held it there for a good 25 seconds. JLo was going nuts, RDog was going nuts, the producers were totally going nuts, I’m sure, all while checking the terms of SteTy’s contract to see if they could get rid of him. This is what "American Idol" should be like every week.
Stefano Langone — “Closer” by Neyo
Mmmmmmm, I love this song. It’s a sexy song and coming from a tasty human being, it’s sure to rock my face off. Well it looks like someone has been taking lessons from the Ursher school of dancing and singing to the ladies at the same time. For the first time ever, he took his time with the lyrics. In fact, he made sweet sweet love to the lyrics. JLo completely bought into it, too, and she’s totally blushing. Pull it together, JLo!!! I know. I’m having a hard time doing that, myself.
The Bad -
Scotty McCreery — I don’t know what song he’s singing because I couldn’t understand the words coming out of his mouth. Remove the marbles, already! I do know it’s by Leann Rimes. For this show, I would expect these guys to pick some epic top 10 stuff that came out over the last 11 years, but Scotty dug up this song I’ve never heard of by a singer who's ruined by life. “Ghtjthgrbged” That’s what Scotty sounded like the whole time, and the judges FINALLY ripped Big Balls a new one and agreed that his song choice was just plain stupid and boring.
James Durbin — “Uprising” by Muse
I love this song and most everything created by Muse, so I’m pretty excited James decided to take this song on. He started out pretty good. I mean the first part of the song is pretty monotone, and he kept it together and didn’t get all crazy with it, but then when it came to the chorus, he went up so many octaves and got so screechy, it sounded almost exactly like I do when I sing “Don’t Stop Believin’” in the car. I think I sound pretty awesome, but there’s video evidence of how horribly wrong I am, and since I’m trying to keep this non-delusional I must say he sounded pretty awful. Then, of course, the judges went all ape shit over him and proclaimed his amazing-ness, to which I say “Um, you guys are on crack.”
Jacob Mahalia Luther King, Jr. — “Dance with My Father” by Luther Vandross
Get out the tissues, y’all. Jacob told us that he lost his dad at a young age and he even started crying in the rehearsal, which means we're about to have yet another come to Jesus moment. So, Jacob’s pitch protector decided to malfunction and he took it out after the third line. Guess what happened? He sucked ass! He was pitchy and my cats ran away and he decided to reign in the emotion and give the audience diddley squat. RDog totally agreed with me, and proclaimed, “I want this church kid back!” Yeah me, too. Oh, and then he went ahead and blamed the whole shoddy performance on the misfiring of the pitch thingy. Sorry Miss Thang, I’m not buying what you’re trying to sell any more.
Lauren Alaina — “Born to Fly” by Sarah Evans
Oh, cool. Interscope Records guy brought in Rock Mafia in to help her perfect this one, which I’ve never heard in my life, so she’d better knock it out of the park for me to even take notice. Yeah, it sounds like ever other honkytonk country jam I get stuck listening to while I’m waiting at the eye doctor’s office. I mean I guess that’s a good thing, because that means she’d get some radio play, which is kind of the whole point of this show, right?
The Results —
This show is going to be fucking terrible. Why? Because the contestants came out singing the absolute worst song ever recorded: “Hey Soul Sister” by Train. Honestly, who likes this song? Do you? I don’t know ANYONE who has ever had a kind word to say about this song. Fast forward!!!! So then we were auditorily raped by Scotty, James and Casey singing “Viva La Vida” by Coldplay. Fast forward.
Casey is safe to make out with JLo for at least one more week, but Jacob Lusk is the first to make it to the Stools of Shame. David Cook came on to sing his latest single that’s sure to make it to at least number 99 on the Billboard Top 100. Anyone want to make an over/under for that? I’ve got $5 on it. Next to the stools of shame is Stefano. Booooo, America! I need at least one yummy boy on this show to get through to the top 4. And oh sweet JEBUS, Scotty is safe and HALEY is in the bottom three. Seacrest Out went ahead and told Haley she was safe so she didn’t have to sit on the Group W bench for more than five seconds. Super!
So then Katy Perry came out and gave the most Tron-tastic lip-synched performance of her life. I do heart her, though. She’s so cray-zeeee! Ooooh, snap here’s Kanye and the producers MISSED THE BLEEP BUTTON and he let the f-word slip out. $20 says he’s never invited back. The other person who won’t be invited back next week is… Stefa-NOOOOOOO! I’ll just have to learn to crush on Casey now.
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