James Durbin — “Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey
Oh good gawd-uh. WHY did he have to pick MY SONG? As y’all know by now, this is the jam I “sing” in my car, in my bathroom, at Metalsome, at all the dive bars I frequent…everywhere. I have no doubt in my mind that James can sing the shit out of this song, and it was kind of made for him. Performance time - ugh, there’s fire and electric guitars and James’ vintage Journey t-shirt (which I would look fantastic in), the whole nine. But still, I’m not a fan. There was nothing special about it. He didn’t do anything Steve Perry or Leigh Anne Rehkopf wouldn’t have done. Predictable.
For some reason they made James go out of turn and perform last, which means the producers think the most epically awesome thing is about to happen, because I mean, like OMG, it’s James vs Gaga. Pft, yeah right. He chose “Love Potion #9.” Gaga was just as bored with James as I’ve been since week 3. Well, he sang this song like Brett Michaels would and the crowd went berserk. Yes, he had a giant hair-metal-esque ending to it, but still, nothing I haven't seen before. SNOOZE.
Haley Reinhart “The Earth Song” by Michael Jackson
Why in God’s name would she pick the most boring MJ song ever recorded? The first half of the performance I couldn’t understand a word she was saying and then she got to the main come-to-Jesus breakdown and all she did was growl and shake her head like a pit bull that had just shoved his nose in a fire ant hill. This was not classic Haley at all. It was confused, week 1 Haley Whats-her-face. JLo told Haley that her song choice was cray-zee and RDog told her the song “didn’t go there.” And whoa, he hit her hard: “I didn’t like it, I thought you were screaming, I thought it was a bad song choice.” Damn. RDog grew a pair.
Next she picked “I (Who Want Nothing)” which is a big song. Gaga told “her little pony” to get crazy, to be “a laugh away from a tear.” WEIRD. While Haley technically nailed this song, I didn’t believe her. I could tell she was too focused on being weird, instead of feeling real emotion, like she did with “Rolling in the Deep.” Thankfully, JLo lurved it and that makes me super happy because I want this girl to win, like, so hard. RDog even kissed and made up with her and said he was sorry for being top dick before. **This just in - spy I had at the show said that Haley was crying uncontrollably on stage right before this performance. That explains the glassy eyes, I guess. The spy also said they taped Enrique Iglesias and were going to pass it off as live tomorrow night.
Scotty McCreery - “Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning” by Alan Jackson
Sorry, Scotty, but what the hell do you know about what happened on 9/11? You were what, 6? To me I feel like you picked this because you saw an opportunity with the recent
killing point blank shooting in the face of Osama bin Laden to fish for votes. As someone who was in NYC that day, personally, it enrages me that you would take advantage of this golden opportunity to propel yourself to stardom.
Scotty’s second song was “Young Blood,” performed by the Coasters. Ok, Scotty and Gaga in the same room should’ve been like oil and water, but they were like two peas in a plasma-lined pleather pod. It made me kind of uncomfortable. So, this song is really lame and Scotty did nothing but cheese it up the whole time. Blech. I hope he goes home.
Lauren Alaina — “In the Way” by Martina McBride
Ok, see this girl has the right idea. Her hometown of Rossville was hit hard by the tornadoes I was talking about a couple of weeks ago so she clearly has a bunch of people to provide hope and inspiration to right about now, and she did it magnificently. Again, Miss Peach Fuzz was nearly flawless and I believed her sincerity. SteTy had to go get creeptastic on us and comment on how much he lurves the straps on Lauren’s shoes. GROSS, SteTy. NO. BAD.
Next up, Lauren sang “Trouble” by Elvis Presley. At first Miss Peach Fuzz took big issue with having to speak the words “I’m evil” because the Bible told her not to. Imagine the field day Gaga should’ve had with that, but she kept it tame. Instead of giving her singing advice, I think Gaga convinced Lauren to wear the biggest non-ironic shoulder pads ever created and because of that, I didn’t hear a word she sang. All I heard was “look at all these sequins attaching my head to my body.”
The Results —
Well, wouldn't you know, Enrique Iglesias is performing, and so is Jordin Sparks (yawn), but oh YAY, Lady Gaga is, too! Guess what I’ll be fast-forwarding through tonight. Tonight’s first
massacre duet was some country song I’ve never heard of nor care about, performed by Scotty and James. AWKWARD. Haley and Lauren then butchered another country song (come ON producers, just make a Country Idol for chrissakes and stop it with this shit). The first person to make it into the top 3 is Miss Peach Fuzz, Lauren Alaina, everybody! Yay, Georgia! Gaga's live taped performance from Madison Square garden played and she sang “You and I” (it’s still supposed to be “You and ME,” Gaga) which Haley was chastised last week for singing. Aside from Gaga’s ridiculously inappropriate-for-Fox pleather cone-bra bikini, penis-shaped footwear, and her shirtless, greasy guitarist, it sounded fantastic. Enrique came on took and auto-tune cue from Will.i.am and hair styling advice from The Beave. Snooze. Then Jordin did her best Beyonce impression. Meh. THEN SteTy’s new video played, in which he’s seen hanging out with an actual sloth. Well, he gets points for originality. Finally we get to the results and next to sit on the Group W (W for WINNING) Bench is HALEYOHMYGOD!!! This totes means Scotty is going home. Thank JEBUS! ANDTHENHOLYSHIT JAMES was sent home!!!!! Wow, this is huge, y’all. There’s no way in Hades Scotty will be in the final two, leaving Haley and Lauren to duke it out two weeks from now. Team Haley 4ever!
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