Friday, May 20, 2011

'American Idol': These boots are made for walkin'

Posted By on Fri, May 20, 2011 at 3:56 PM

This week the final three contestants got to go home and rub their fame in the faces of the commoners they left behind in their podunk middle American towns. Round One of songs was contestant’s choice, Round Two was Interscope Records Guy’s choice and the third round was the judges’ choice. They were coached by Miss B herself — Beyoncé. I’ll take you through the show as it happened so you can get a better feel of events.

Scotty McCreery began the show with “Amazed” by Lone Star, which, amazingly, I’ve heard before. So, Scotty did his country thing, and y’all know I loathe country music. It was safe and predictable and uber twangy. I’m sure the lil' ladies loved it, so did the judges.

Lauren Alaina started off with “Wild One” by Faith Hill and I’m already getting nauseous. I think I’m allergic to country music. After 92 weeks of being on this show, Lauren has still yet to master the whole “performing” thing, and frankly I’m sick and tired of Miss Peach Fuzz’s two steps to the left, wave her arm, hand on hip, point at random spot in the audience, move two steps to the right. Repeat. Snooze.

Haley Reinhart, my darling, chose “What Is and What Shall Never Be” by Led Zeppelin. This is a ginormous song, and she said she chose it because, well, she has ginormous balls. Holy mother of God Haley is amazing. I’m serious. Just imagine Adele singing this song. I mean, words can’t even begin to explain how heavy amazing this is. Plus her dad is playing lead guitar! AWESOME! The judges got shitarded over it and I think Randy may have peed himself a little. Apparently she stumbled somewhere in there, but I didn’t notice. Haley is a true professional, kids. First Round — Haley wins.

Scotty started off the 2nd round with Jimmy Iovene’s choice, “Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not” by Thompson Square. Huh? Gawd, send this kid to Nashville and give him 10 million bucks to stay the hell out of my anti-country ears. Honestly, I fast-forwarded. I can’t listen to this shit any more. The judges flipping loved it and I think JLo peed herself this time.

Next up Jimmy told Lauren to sing “If I Die Young” by the Band Perry. This is terrible. I mean literally, this song is terrible. Her ass looks huge, and there was zero showmanship. Clearly the judges thought it sucked, but they candy-coated it by commenting on her tone and how great it is, because clearly they want her to win.

Yay! It’s Haley’s turn again, and she was charged with singing “Rhiannon” by Fleetwood Mac. Yes—It’s not country! I love it when this girl sings classic rock, but I did not love this. First of all, the second word she spoke was not the right one. Secondly, whomever’s idea it was to put a wind machine on the poor girl, which made her lashes stick together, should be drug out into the street and shot. Fine, she had a pretty strong ending, but overall she was hard to understand and sleepy, which I'll blame on the wind. Even RDog commented on the wind; Haley clearly hated it. Round Two went to Scotty, per the judges. I’ll take their word for it, I guess.

Third round began with the judges picking “She Believes in Me” by Kenny Rodgers. *Groan* I’m suffering way too hard for this show, man. OK fine, I have a soft spot for this song, oh but then Scotty went and ruined it for me. He is NOT a ballad singer. He couldn’t hold a note if it was stuck in tumbleweed in a 10-gallon hat. SteTy, you haven’t “heard him sing a chorus like that before” because he can’t. JLo, no, he still can’t sing that chorus, and for chrissakes, RDog, how are you even praising this crap right now? I’m sick.

Lauren followed that mess up with “I Hope You Dance” by Lee Ann Womack. Here it is in a nutshell — two steps to the left, wave her arm, hand on hip, point at random spot in the audience, move two steps to the right. Repeat. Except, she sounded pretty good. SteTy mentioned how Lauren looked like she walked out and owned the Grand Ole Opry, and well that’s fine. Just keep it off of my "AI" stage. Gaw.

Last up Haley was charged with singing “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morissette. Finally, a kind of current song. Get mad, Haley. Get sooooo mad! Oh no. No no no no. Haley forgot the lyrics. She brought it back around pretty well for the chorus, but the judges’ faces looked as if someone was wearing too much Angel perfume right behind them. They set her up. I know this song backward and forward and even I still jumble the words. Haley’s done. Mentally, physically and actually done. If there’s a country Idol final next week, my recap will be two lines: “Someone who sings country won. Tickets for the tour are on sale now.”

The Results — I’ll bring it down a notch for a second, because Lauren visited the tornado-ravaged Rossville, and we met little Tyler, who actually pulled his baby brother out from the wreckage of their family home. It really was quite touching and I'll admit, I shed a tear or twenty. OK, the results are: Scotty is in the flipping finals. I’d bet my cat that Lauren is the other one. Aaaaaaaand, I’m right. Go Miss Peach Fuzz, I guess. Rehkopf Out.

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