Tuesday, May 24, 2011

'The Bachelorette' is back, annnnnd there's a dickhead in a mask

Posted By on Tue, May 24, 2011 at 5:46 PM

Ashley Hebert is going to find a husband whether you like it or not.
  • ABC
  • Ashley Hebert is going to find a husband whether you like it or not.
Just when I was getting used to not squandering two hours every Monday night watching desperate-to-be-loved singles clamor for the affections of a moderately attractive, personality-deficient cardboard cutout, "THE BACHELORETTE" IS BACK.

Since most of my evenings are spent watching Lifetime movies On Demand helping people, I had no idea the new season — featuring Bachelor season 15 second runner-up and upsettingly white-toothed human being Ashley Hebert — was already premiering, SO, unfartunately, I missed a decent chunk of last night's episode.

Still, lots to talk through.

So, our Bachelorette Ashley is an orangish-fleshed, brown-haired version of the perky-to-a-fault dental student who Brad sent home after she acted like a weird in South Africa, and wanted to talk about mosquito nets rather than do the penis-in-vagina.

Going into that doomed date, here's what Brad thinked about Ashley vs. what I thought about Ashley:

Brad: She’s “so happy and outgoing and energetic and bubbly …”
Me: See above. She is all things that are annoying. I don’t care how annoying that makes me sound. This girl has been complemented in exactly that way — You’re so happy! Outgoing! Bubbly! — for way too long, and it’s made her insufferable.

I'm standing by my assessment, 'cept I should've mentioned the lilt in her voice. Seriously, she's going make the next 30 weeks (or however unbearably long the season is) really rough.

As for Ashley's stable of suitors (some are genuinely horseish!), there's no way in hell I'm talking about each of these 25 peens individually, so you can look at their bios and pickies here.

Generic, right? A few lovely lesbian manes, a couple sets of too-eager murder eyes (I'm looking at you, Frank ... now please stop looking at me?) ... b-b-but, wait, what's this?


That's Jeff, see (well, no, I guess you don't). Jeff has decided he'll wear a mask ...

  • Rowell/ABC

I'm pretty sure his reason for wearing a CPA-at-a-masquerade-ball costume is that it's a way to take looks out of the equation, so he and Ashley can really know each other. Pffrt. My friends and I came up with ten way more likely reasons he's wearing a mask:

10. His five o'clock shadow continues up and over his eyes like a Mexican Wolf Boy.

9. He has a Mike Tyson-style face tattoo and just realized it's lame since "Hangover Part 2" became a thing.

8. He's killed a man.

7. Double ferret brows.

6. I-might-do-drag-in-my-downtime brows.

5. A bad reaction to Latisse.

4. Craniodiaphyseal dysplasia ("Mask" reference!).

3. He was born with mime triangles above and below his eyes.

2. To go "From Zero to Hero."

1. And, FINALLY, the number one most likely reason he's wearing a mask is that he's kind of ugly and doesn't want to get kicked off right away.

That was fun. OOOH, the best part about Jeff: Ashley gave him a rose. She crazy.

Then there was Tim, the liquor distributor who likes drinking liquor as much as he likes distributoring it. Tim got wasted, which presented all the other guys with a perfect opportunity to act reeeal self-righteous about the whole thing because THEY would NEVER do THAT. It also gave the producers the opportunity to add fake snoring sounds to clips of Tim passed out. Such fun. Ashley gave a nice speech about how she can empathize because her experience on "The Bachelor" helped her understand regret, and then stuffed Tim's limp, booze-sodden corpse into a van and sent him off to do his regretting elsewhere. Bye, Tim.

The only other contestant we need pay attention to is restaurateur Constantine Tzortzis (a name so Greek its sounds are made of olive oil) because he's from Atlanta! That's what his bio says, and his bio wouldn't lie, would itYES IT WOULD. Listen, I'm no in-town snob or nuffin, but when I did a Google search to find what restaurant he co-owns with his father, it turns out that shit's in Cumming. I've been to Cumming, and it's just not close enough to Atlanta to be called Atlanta. I guess there's a chance Constantine lives here and commutes to Cumming (the opposite of the way the world normally works), but I bet he just didn't want to say he was from Cumming because it sounds like the act of ejaculating. Anyway, he's cute, so that's nice!

Oh, and I guess I should mention there's a guy named Bentley who has a very heavy-looking forehead and who Ashley LOOOOVES even though Chris Harrison told her he's a dick. Her decision-making already seems really flawed and that's great. For us.

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