Thursday, May 26, 2011

'American Idol' finale recap: I hope you're happy, America

Posted By on Thu, May 26, 2011 at 11:48 AM

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Dearest readers,

Normally I look forward to this day more than I look forward to my birthday, but this year it feels more like I’m preparing for a root canal. Scotty “Big Balls” McCreery and Lauren “Miss Peach Fuzz” Alaina are both … I can’t bring myself to say it … country singers. The only thing I’m looking forward to tonight is to see if Lauren’s vocal chords, which physically popped an hour before going on stage, suddenly burst out of her pretty lil' head. The team doctor said they gave her a bunch of medicine, etc. Getting a Cortisone shot to the neck does not sound fun.

Scotty’s first choice was his favorite of the season: “Gone” by some country singer. The ladies went ape shit. For the first time in "AI" history, I’m ashamed of myself right now for watching this. Lauren then chose to reprise “Flat on the Floor.” What’s funny to me is that with Lauren’s new vocal handicap, her voice sounds more like Haley Reinhart’s. It's all gravely, and I kind of like it.

The next songs by our two finalists were chosen by their own idols, George Strait and Carrie Underwood, respectively. Couldn’t they at least make these two mix it up just a little? I hope you’re happy, America. Scotty sang “Check Yes or No” by, you guessed it, George Strait. Is this honestly what country songs are about? Monkey bars and playgrounds? Scotty busted out the acoustic guitar and way over-affected his accent. Lauren sang “Maybe it Was Memphis." Honestly, I do like what the Cortisone has done to our Georgia Peach’s voice. RDog and JLo gave Round One to Scotty and Round Two to Lauren. SteTy, on the other hand, gave both rounds to Lauren “because she’s prettier.” Creeptastic!

The final songs performed will be the winner’s first single. Scotty got a song called “I Love You This Big” (I think). Well, the best thing about this is it’s WAY too country to ever play on Q100 or Star94, so maybe I won’t ever hear this kid again. He sounded really unsure of himself and at some points he was barely audible. I don’t love him this big, and RDog didn’t, either. He told Scotty that he didn’t think the song was the right fit for him. Ouch.

“Like My Mother Does.” That’s the name of Lauren’s possible single. Lord, if this isn’t pulling at some heartstrings, I don’t know what will. I think she could win it based on subject matter alone. What I wouldn’t give for James Durbin to be back on the show. They’d never make him sing crap like that. Lauren went into the audience and sang to her momma and burst into tears after she was done. RDog went ballistic. JLo agreed with me that Lauren probably just won. Unless all the tweens out there overload the lines for their new heartthrob, Lauren’s going to take this one. Side note: What the hell was JLo’s makeup artist smoking when she was coloring in the diva’s thick and sloppy eyebrows?

The Results —

The producers got the band back together and made the top 13 sing “Born This Way” because, clearly, there hasn’t been enough Gaga featured this season. Oh my god, I just realized this piece is two hours long. James came back and sang with the actual Judas Priest, which is totally badass, but we soon found out that it was in order to announce their “Epitaph” farewell tour coming to a dirty amphitheater near you this June! Jacob Mahalia Luther King Jr. sang “I Smile” with Kirk Franklin. Ms. Gladys Knight came on out to join the sermon, and we're quickly notified she has a new show at the Tropicana. I see a theme here.

Oh. My. God. Casey is up, and oh how I missed him, and oh.my.god he’s singing with Jack Black in matching shiny suits. After all, "Kung Fu Panda 2" conveniently hits theaters tomorrow! They sang “Fat Bottom Girls”, which is such an awesomely weird song anyway that the whole thing was spectacular. Then all the ladies did a Beyoncé medley and, shocker, B came out and assisted with “Crazy in Love.” I heart that song, y’all. Might I add, B’s skirt was waaaaay too short for Fox, and I didn’t enjoy staring at her metallic silver underroos.

Haley got to sing with Tony Bennett and she sounded spectacular. Very Squirrel Nut Zippers. Tony's new album drops this September! Following Tony was Lil Jon and the remaining members of TLC. Damn, y’all, Chili looks sick! I’m serious, she needs a sandwich. Maybe T-Boz should learn to share. BOOM. Then Scotty did a duet with Tim McGraw, who’s on tour this summer — make sure to getcha tickets.

The Walking Dead was up next, joined on stage by his wife JLo and Sheila E. on snare drums. Caliente! Other cameos were made by Tom Jones (fresh off an eye lift and spray tan), Beyoncé (again) to show off her new single (which was about doing the horizontal mambo, forcing fathers everywhere to leave the room), Bono and The Edge with Spider Man (on Broadway now!), and LADY GAGA (this time for real on the "AI" stage). Inappropriate crotch shots and simulated sex aside, Gaga sounded amazing.

Then something happened that I’ve been waiting for all season: Lauren and Carrie Underwood did a duet of “He Cheats.” There’s not a female out there who can deny the awesomeness of this song. SteTy joined the party with his band and performed “Dream On” which is quite possibly the best Aerosmith song ever recorded, and he sounded perfect.

Finally — the results………SCOTTY MCCREERY wins it! I hope I never hear from him again. The good news is if he’s anything like the last few winners of "AI," my ears will be safe. Tickets are on sale now for the "AI" summer tour.

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