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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

'The Bachelorette': Ashley and Bentley get their period ... then everyone else does

Boy, do I wish Ashley would learn what ellipses are so she could stop saying Bentley left her with a "dot, dot, dot." BUT even though she's a dentist (kind of), not a grammarist, at least girfrent knows a period when she's confronted with one. And doesn't care that "period" also means menstruation.

Chris Harrison, who's apparently taken a break from tying women to railroad tracks and twisting his mustache between his thumb and forefinger, catches Ashley off-guard (I'm so sure) by showing up unannounced (definitely announced) at her Hong Kong hotel room. "You're scaring me," she says. YOU SHOULD BE SCARED. Why? Because Bentley's made the trip to China to complete the gargantuan — and, I'm sure, wholly enjoyable — task of humiliating you!

Wearing her casual costume of choice — a blousy collared shirt, heels and pants that cling ever-so-tightly to her pleasantly bowed legs — Ashley makes her way to room 666 to get pooed on.

Ooooo-wheeeee, is this meeting awkward. Because he's flown "half-way across the world" to see her, Ashley momentarily tricks herself into thinking that it's a gesture, but WE know the only gesture Bentley knows is this one. He opens the door and manages to smile and hug her, so OF COURSE she goes in for a kiss. Refusing to make herself tolerable to a man who already thinks she's the worst, Ashley does the most disgusting thing in the world and swipes the palm of her hand across his mouth to remove whatever lip smegma she'd left behind. Seriously, the man's a saint for not picking her up and throwing her through a window.

After some failed small talk about bug bites — "Do you have sweet blood?" Bentley asks, and then zones out whilst fantasizing about bashing her skull in and licking the blood from his fists — they have some failed "us" talk. Bentley says something like, "I think you know where I’m at and I think you know where I’m coming from a little bit. I think you’re here for a reason, and knowing that I’m home, it doesn’t look good for me and you. I would implore you to do all you can to see what you have here I guess."

"So, this is our period," Ashley responds. Yes. You're women now. (More on people becoming women later.)

She's so much a glutton for punishment, she insists he explain why he flew all the way there instead of just calling her. Bentley manages, "I wanted to see you," but it's, like, read between the lines, wouldja lady? Or, better yet, just regular read the lines that the rest of the world is reading: Bentley's there because it's a free trip to Hong Kong.

Seriously, I'll be a sonofabitch if the second Ashley left his room Bentley didn't strap on a pair of Tevas, toss a tiny rucksack over his shoulder, grab his Kodak Funsaver and just DO IT LARGE in Hong Kong. In every subsequent street scene, I fully expected to see him in the background, smiling from ear-to-ear and posing for photos with locals, or screaming "I'M HAVING SO MUCH FUN RIGHT NOW" and skipping off to his next Asian adventure (I'm actually in the process of developing a show called "Bentley's Asian Adventure").

So, that's over with (pffrt), and, suddenly, Ashley is TRANSFORMED. Refreshed, she says. Liberated. This is all amusing because she still manages to spend three-quarters of the remainder of the episode talking about Bentley.

Ashley and a guy named Lucas go on a lame-o one-on-one date, during which both parties compete in a stupid-off.
Ashley's goodest: "Look at the street market! People are selling things!"
Lucas' goodest: "I’ve never been to New York. I’m not very well traveled. I go fishing with my buddies and stuff."
Ashley's second goodest: "Lucas makes me feel like a woman. There's something about his manlihood that makes me feel protected."

Winner: Bentley, obviously.

And, man, if loving Bentley is Ashley's favorite thing to talk about, then hating Ryan is Blake's. OOH, and I finally figured out who Ryan is! This guy:


For the group date, the guys are dragon boat racing — which is pretty much like crew, 'cept the coxswain (impressed?) has a fun drum — and have to go out into the streets of Hong Kong and recruit teams. Of course the producers paired Blake and Ryan, which actually works in Blake's favor because, naturally, Ryan is a born(again) recruiter. Ames' and Mickey's team ultimately wins the race, and Ames didn't even have to go to the hospital.

During the nighttime portion of the date, Ames — who may or may not still be punch drunk from last week; it's so hard to tell with those eyes! — gets real literal. And nasty. He says he wants to take his relationship with Ashley "to the next level," so he takes her on an elevator ride to the roof and rubs his boner on her leg. Blake talks a bunch more about how much he hates Ryan, the others chime in, and of course Ashley gives Ryan the rose. Ahahahahaaaaaa.

Now it's J.P.'s turn to get literal on his one-on-one date with Ashley. Seriously, they're on a train at one point, and he refers to them as being "on the right track." So dorky, people who edit the voiceovers.

Rather than tell everyone at once that Bentley came to Hong Kong scuz she was still obsessed with him, Ashley dips her toe into J.P.'s waters to see how he takes the news. And he takes it well! Even though she was doing a lot of that refusing-to-say-soft-Es thing ("I'm really a nervous 'wrack,'" "My heart is beating out of my 'chast,'" "Bentley 'laft'"). "Thank you for telling me," J.P. says, "I’m glad you got the closure you needed."

So, things'll go fine when she tells the rest of the guys, riiii ... WRONG. See, what Ashley forgot is that guys act like teenage girls when they're in a group. It's like the Philippe Halsman photo of the naked ladies' bodies forming a giant skull, except there's no Salvador Dali and all of these guys form a giant vagina.

Lucas gets all reddened and angry.

Constantine says, "We had a date and you talked about you letting go of your past relationships — that’s a contradictory statement at this point."

Ames is mum on the situation because he's FOR SURE still concussed.

Blake gets some time alone with Ashley, and uses it to act like a dumpy baby, make her cry and then kinda-sorta comfort her.

Mickey — who's flow is the heaviest of them all — goes home! Hops right on a boat with a smiley Chinese man and sails away.

Ashley apologizes for not breaking the news correctly, and the rose ceremony commences. Aaaaaaaaaaand, Blake goes home. To masturbate with barbed wire wrapped around his hand whilst staring at a picture of Ryan. Exploring the fine line between love and hate, pleasure and pain, he is.

(P.S. "Like" this. I'm obsessed.)

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