Last week, Panther Crystal and Panther Felton used Jason as a chew toy, gnawing him within an inch of his life in order to "turn" him into the new Ghost Daddy. Crystal wan do some baby makin' y'all, and since Felton ain't performing in the sack and Grampa Gnarly Teeth is, well, Grampa Gnarly Teeth, that leaves Jason. Poor dumb ol' Jason who couldn't just stick with banging hot waitresses. (Let this be a lesson people.) With the help of some Mexican Viagra, Crystal, uh, mounts an effort to make Jason the progenitor of a new line of Pancestors. With the whole nappy family watching — and waiting for a go.
Things aren't much better for Hoyt and Jessica, who's feeling per-IT-y guilty about feeding on another guy. She goes to Bill for some advice and the two have a very chummy heart-to-heart, with Bill advising her to "vamp up" and be honest with Hoyt, lest he find out from someone else about her indiscretions. Later, Jess returns home to find Hoyt curled up on the couch with the creepy old doll last seen in the season 3 finale on the floor of the couple's new rental. "I thought I told you to get rid of this?" he yells at her. "I did. I threw it in the river!" says Jess. (The river? What happened to throwing things in the garbage?) After multiple attempts to get rid of the thing, it keeps showing back up in the house. "Somebody's fucking with us," says Hoyt. Cue scary music. Burn it, y'all. BURN it and be done with it.
Jessica admits to Hoyt that she's been unfaithful. Unsurprisingly, Hoyt's pissed and hurt and looking less forgiving than usual. Unable to bear hurting Hoyt, Jessica glamours the bejesus out of him and all is right in the world again for the couple. Jessica continues to pay it forward by gifting creepy doll to Arlene and Terry's demon baby, telling them it's a family heirloom. Arlene's rightfully freaked out by it, but Terry consoles her, saying, "Nice dirty doll like that, he can't do too much damage to it." Cue scary music again. Run y'all. RUN now and don't look back.
Sookie should probably do the same, but then again, what fun would that be? Eric's still doofing around like a lost vampire puppy (no relation to the Pancestors), and inexplicably heeding Sookie's commands not to bite her. This is slightly confounding - one would think that with his memory erased Eric would be unable to resist his carnal vampire urges. Which for the most part he is. But he's seemingly smitten with Sookie, if vampires can be smitten. Sookie tries to get him to recall what happened but he can't. Sookie sends for Pam, who demands that Sookie hide and protect Eric. Pam thinks it's all a setup by Bill, who's hellbent on destroying Eric. Sookie agrees to do it - for a fee.
Speaking of not remembering, Marnie has no idea what she did to Eric. Tara, Lafayette and Jesus implore the coven to make things right with Eric and reverse the spell, but "Last time [they] checked, there was still freedom of religion in America!" So, that's a no. Alone, Marnie kneels before a gilded chalice, beseeching the spirit that worked through her to mind zap Eric to make Marnie its permanent conduit. She slits her left wrist with a dagger once, twice, letting the blood drip into the cup. When she makes a cut for the third time, a shock runs through her body and the earthy visage of a woman appears in a nearby mirror.
At home, Sookie reads a what appears to be a Charlaine Harris book at the kitchen table while she waits up for Eric, who's disappeared into the night. Hearing something outside, she heads out on to the porch to see if Eric's returned. Instead she finds Claudine, back in Bon Temps in a last ditch effort to cart Sookie back to faerieland. No sooner has Sookie given her an "Aw heeelll naw," than Claudine's clobbered by Eric, who drains all the sunshine out of her and reduces her first to her goblin-y looking core and then into a poof of faerie dust. Ooopsies.
QUOTES & NOTES:
-Eric: I know I'm a vampire Snooki!"
Sookie: "It's Sookie!"
-It's Alcide -YAY! And Debbie — BOO.
-Hopefully next time Sookie runs into Alcide, he's shirtless working up a sweat on one of his construction sites.
-Pam: "You have 24 hours to bring her to me and if you don't I will personally eat, fuck and kill all three of you."
-Was Sookie reading a Charlaine Harris book at the kitchen table while she waits up for Eric? I'm pretty sure she was, although I couldn't make out a title.
-I don't like V addict Andy. I want the Andy/Jason crime-fighting duo back. Besides Eric and Lafayette, the two of them together have the best lines.
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