Sometimes my cat eats till he pukes. It's like this revolting, feline version of binging and purging, 'cept he stays fat and his teeth don't get all rotten. Lucky for me, in the rancid ecosystem that is my apartment, my dog gladly plays her part in the symbiosis and eats it.
Last night, as Ashley and Ryan's one-on-one date evolved into a study in human fragility, I was the cat and the dog in this scenario. I feasted greedily on Ryan's banquet of humiliation and sadness, threw up, and then lapped it up because I was still hungry for more.
Sooooooo, for the two or three of you still reading, HOW BORING that we have to talk about anything besides Ryan's televised emotional meltdown, right? Not as boring as talking about WATER HEATERS (high fives Satan), but still boring.
This week, Taiwan is the place where Ashley will keep trying to find love with six
special something guys who are still not Bentley.
Here's how she's feeling about each:
Ryan: Makes her feel safe. (He seems to make everyone else feel specifically unsafe.)
Lucas: A genuine, great guy. (More like, "A guy.")
Ames: One of the most unique guys she's ever met. (Also, his eyes are uniquely placed on either side of his head.)
Ben: So funny. (Listen. NO ONE on "The Bachelor" or "The Bachelorette" has ever been funny. Their no-funny-people policy is almost as stringent as their no-black-people policy.)
Constantine: Easy to talk to. Easy to look at. (I have nothing to add to this.)
J.P.: Makes her feel comfortable, secure. (Ashley, J.P. is going to kill you.)
Constantine gets the first one-on-one because he's fine, and then there's a train ride and lanterns and Ashley NOT knowing how to play it cool. During dinner, Constantine asks what she sees in him, and she responds — her dehydrated monkey paw poised on his knee — "You’re exactly what I’m attracted to." He likes that answer, the big galoot. But, seriously, there's no chemistry between these two, no matter how much Ashley declares the date is "Perfact. Perfact."
Aaaaaaand, the next one-on-one goes to Ben, and because they're going to a gorge that is also attractive, his date card says, "Let’s spend a 'gorges' day together in Taiwan." Pffrt. I'm sure the producers write the date cards, but I prefer to believe that Ashley was responsible for this one.
Ben and Ashley go on a scooter excursion, because a helmet is the one thing that could make Ben's hair look even worse than it usually does. Sweet kid, though. Except that he refers to saying "love" as "dropping an L-bomb."
Speaking of explosions, did Ashley drop a V-bomb — her "vagina" — on Ben, or what? Well, he came home from his date the next morning, reeking of sourdough bread, but says he and Ashley stayed in separate rooms (probably a lie). J.P. acts like a giant baby about it, because his new thing is being scary and possessive.
"There’s definitely a big picture with this date today," Ashley says about her group date with J.P., Ames and Lucas, during which — a doi — they're having pictures taken. Wedding pictures, in particular. No one has fun, even J.P., who looks so good in his tux, Ames and Lucas turn into this guy. Then he and Ashley pose-n-sweat in front of a creased, crinkled backdrop from the Sandworm scene in "Beetlejuice." He gets the rose because he's a ticking time bomb and women like that.
FINALLY — for us and for him — Ryan gets his berry first one-on-one date with Ashley, and he is positively wetting himself about it. There's no pressure, because there's no rose at the end of his date, so he can just relaaaaaax and be himself. TERRIBLE IDEA.
Let's go over some stuff ...
— We know that Ryan is into "green" stuff because he owns a company that whatevers with solar panels.
— We know that Ashley learned about recycling because someone broke up with her because she threw a plastic bottle in the trash.
— We know it's cute that Ashley believes that someone broke up with her because she threw a plastic bottle in the trash, and not because she's the worst.
— We know that once Ryan starts talking about the environmental benefits of tankless water heaters HE CAN'T STOP.
Ashley thought she liked Ryan because he's enthusiastic, but, as it turns out, his enthusiasm for talking about things that are boring is unparalleled.
In terms of beauty, watching Ashley grow to hate him as he yammers is kind of like seeing the aurora borealis for the first time. Watching Ryan be sent home is indescribable.
Remember that episode of "The Simpsons" when Lisa gives Ralph Wiggum a valentine and he gets the wrong idea, so she has to break up with him? Well, what happens to Ralph is what happens to Ryan when Ashley choo-choo-chooses (sorry) to cut him loose. Here's a refresher:
That's right. You could actually pinpoint the second when his heart ripped in half. It was when he said, "You don't want to meet my family?"
Ashley skips the pre-ceremony cocktail party — thank god — and decides to just g'head and send Lucas home because, like us, she realized she was confused about why he was still there, too. Hometown visits are a thing to look forward to, especially because she's Cumming to Atlanta with Constantine!
HEY. Did anyone listen to any part of Chris Harrison's interview with Emily? I sure didn't. Holy shit, that was boring. If Brad wasn't going to be there to tear his shirt off and slam his fists into things, they really shouldn't have bothered. She looked radiant as ever, though. Beige from head to toe, but radiant.
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