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Monday, July 25, 2011

"The Bachelorette": Ashley cums to Cumming

Posted By on Mon, Jul 25, 2011 at 5:48 PM

Picnics ARE hilarious.
  • Picnics ARE hilarious.
Editorial note: YES. This is a week late. I was working on a cover story. Get off my back.

They say you can't go home again. And, really, who the fuck would want to when home is SO BORING?

Has there ever, in the history of this hideous franchise, been a hometown visits episode more tedious? Where's the dad with dried animal corpses strewn about the taxidermy dungeon in his basement? Or the mock embalming at the family mortuary? What kind of sick, dystopian nightmare are we a party to when the only not-boring place in the world is Cumming, Ga.?

I feel like I want to blame someone for making this episode so snoozy. God? Nah. I blamed him when I got diarrhea last week. And when "Blind Date" was canceled (I miss you, Roger Lodge, whose real name, by the way, is Rogelio Chavez — how weird that a real name could be that much more made-up sounding than a made up one). Should we blame the producers, who've heretofore ensured that someone with a horrifying family was kept around? No. They're burnt out. Making this season a thing that people will actually watch has to be physically and emotionally EXHAUSTING.

SOOOOOO, I'm blaming Ashley. For being born without a personality.

Before hitting the road to eat several awkward meals with her suitors' families, Ashley stops by her generic-if-moderately-cute (just like her!) Philadelphia apartment to do "at home things" like check the mail, think while sipping coffee and staring at a wall, and actively neglect a small, adorable dog that she's passively neglected for weeks whilst getting finger-banged all over Asia.

Here's her thoughts on the final four, pre-visits:
Constantine: "There's something about Constantine that's so saxy to me." Saxy?
Ben: "I love that long hair, his build is great — he's just a man." More like a caveman, amirite?
Ames: "Ames is one of the most unique guys I’ve ever mat." Wow, "unique" is officially the only word she can ever come up with to describe poor Ames.
J.P.: "I feel like I’ve known him forever. I feel like I can do anything with him." Ew, Ashley, like what?

The first visit is with the Tzortzises of Cumming and, big news, guyz! I'M MOVING TO CUMMING. I fucking love these people. Here's why:
—- Constantine makes terrible jokes. Whilst making a pizza at his family's restaurant — which serves Italian, Greek AND "American" food — and being cutesy with pukeface, Constantine grabs a pinch of mozzarella in his banana hands and says, "It's getting a bit cheesy in here." Whatta knucklehead.
—- Dimitri is the overweight, aging Greek man of my dreams. Oh, Dimitri. You're not great at English — "On his face I see him happiness" and "I’m so good to see you" — but I'll bet you're very great at making lamb chops.
—- They have a tiny asshole dog in an equally tiny asshole dress.
—- Greek people throw money at you for dancing. And you get to keep your blouse on. Greeks is freaks.

Well, I sure hope Ashley didn't get too attached to families who are fun and ethnic, because the next two families are not those things.

Off to Fart's Bluff, Penn., the land from whence Ames came, and the Browns, as it were, are not brown at all. OOOOH-WHEEEEEE are these people a bunch of WASPs. Except for his sister. She's a cat. And his brother might have a crawlspace filled with the decomposing bodies of teenage boys.

If being gross and white and stodgy wasn't enough of a blemish on the Brown clan, there's also the fact that they behave like used car salesmen who instead sell NYC bankers with oddly placed eyes.

Alright, alright, I know I've made a lot of fun of Ames' unique appearance but the guy's kind of a catch. He's dull but sweet, ostensibly makes a lot of money, and is probably very intelligent even though he consistently looks like he's not capable of understanding the things happening around him. Instead of making Ashley prove she's good enough for their son/brother, the Browns reeeeeally try to talk Ames up. And they're not even good at it. His sister calls him an onion and encourages Ashely to pull him apart.

According to Ames, Ashley is just his mother Jane's type of person, which is to say "white."

So, Ben lives in Sonoma and owns a vineyard and is also of WASP blood. And the visit with his family is so much worse than regular boring because there's cryyyyyyyying in it. Seriously, I take notes when I watch the show and pretty much all I wrote during this portion of the episode is, "Ben cries a lot." Oh, and also that his sister is "protective" in a way that's way too "Flowers in the Attic" for my taste.

Hey, remember this? Dicks.

bachelorette-ashley-hebert-60.jpg

Finally, Ashley goes to Long Island to meet J.P.'s family, and we're all relieved about this because they are Jewish. Three distinct questions to mull over:
—- What the fuck happened to the disco ball at Hot Skates roller rink?
—- In what issue of Tiger Beat did J.P.'s poster-sized bar mitzvah picture appear? In a perfect world, the answer to this question would be "every issue."
—- What kinds of horrifying acts did J.P. commit when his heart was broken by his last girlfriend? Whatever they were, his mother — the adorable, lasagna-making Ilene — is TERRIFIED that it's going to happen again and talks about how terrified she is A LOT.

When it's all said and done, Ashley — again done-up like a Thai ladyboy — sends Ames home and it's, like, for serious sad. Poor Ames. "More than anything I want to be loved," he says. And then we say, "Aw, but he's getting so much pussy right now." Standard consolation.

The Soup did a good job of making fun of Ames, though:

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