Tuesday, July 26, 2011

"The Bachelorette": Sometimes they come back

Posted By on Tue, Jul 26, 2011 at 6:09 PM

This, but with smiley dickweeds instead of greaser ghosts.
  • This, but with smiley dickweeds instead of greaser ghosts.

It takes a special kind of scary person to be simultaneously pitiful and threatening, and, no, I'm not talking about JOHN BOEHNER (pats self on back, closes laptop, walks out into traffic).

Cryin' Ryan is back, scarier and more pathetic than ever.

Aaaaaaaand, here's why we like Chris Harrison. We like that when people cry around him (a thing that happens a lot, although not in this particular episode), he can barely seem to keep a straight face. We like that the curve of his nose is not unlike that of a Peregrine falcon's beak.

BUT, most of all, we like that he's forever available to make people's dreams come true, no matter how unreasonable or dangerous they might be. Like, if you're a discarded Bachelorette contestant and you've convinced yourself that you have unfinished business in a Polynesian island nation, well, shit, just call Chris! His cell number is pre-programmed into every phone in America! His ringtone is the Crazy Frog version of "Axel F."

Having collected the crumb-and-cat-fur-covered shards of his broken heart and crudely pieced them back together, Ryan shows up in Fiji, where Ashley is supposed to be getting f-ed for the cameras by each of the final three contestants, Constantine, Ben and J.P.

Ryan staggers up to Ashley's bungalow as his voice-over-thinking explains that there are "unfinished" and "undiscovered" things between them, and it's pretty clear that if a camera wasn't around, Ryan would have a lead pipe in his hand and would subsequently "discover" what the contents of Ashley's skull look like. Instead, he just talks a lot — not about tankless water heaters IF YOU CAN BELIEVE IT — and tells Ashley he's gonna hang out for a few days just in case she feels like seeing him at any point, because making yourself completely available is a thing all women find irresistible. "CALL ME CRAZY," Ryan says, his smile-parts on the verge of breaking, "but the first time I stepped out of the limo, there was just something there." No, no you don't have to tell anyone to call you crazy.

Then Ben and Ashley set off on their hornymoon, a yacht trip during which they rub, straddle and snorkle. The grossest part: During the course of the date, Ben slowly, subtly but irrefutably turns into a woman, and not just because his new Flobee cut makes him look more like a lesbian than ever.

The V-neck sweater! The bracelets! The hand gestures! The permanent mist in his eyes!

Ashley, conversely, has turned into a walking boner. She hands Ben the Fantasy Suite note — which, my friend Ally and I decided, is actually just a drawing of two stick figures doing it doggy-style — thumbs her nose, grabs her crotch, puts her arm around the blushing Ben and says, "So, you wanna get outta here?" If they did what we think they did, there's no way Ben didn't sob the whole time and talk about how beautiful it was.

Fingies crossed she got her rocks off, because ol' tiny tits is about to get a major blow to the ego.

Ashley and Constantine go on a helicopter ride — the very first of the season, if you can believe it — and fly directly over the spot where Ryan (yup, still in Fiji) is having a dear-diary moment. This couldn't possibly have happened in real life, but it's one of my favorite things the diabolical geniuses in the editing booth have done all season. Then they go to a waterfall, and Ashley gets on Constantine's case because he has a tendency to be deliberate when purchasing real estate. Because that's a bad thing. BUT, it's obvious the connection she's trying to make, and Constantine defends himself, saying, "People are people. A house is a financial investment."

If Ashley was house and not a people, Constantine wouldn't buy her. When it's winding down to Fantasy time, he tells Ashley, "This Fantasy Suite, I know what it means — I also know what it implies. I knew that if I got to this point and wasn’t in love with you I wouldn’t accept."

Handsome, hulking AND SO NOBLE. After Barack Obama interrupts to talk about things that matter, but not to people watching Ashley get humiliated, Constantine tells her it's the end of the road.

So, I spend more time than I care to admit on Constantine's Facebook page, and of course everyone's giving him major cyber blowies for declining the opportunity to defile Ashley in the Fantasy Suite. It's Fantasy Suite, right? Let's defer to one of Constantine's "friends" ...


OHHHHH, it's fantastic suite, and it's a verb. Don't I feel like an asshole.

Ahahaha. And this post was put up pre-episode yesterday (the busy place to which she's referring is, I assume, his family's restaurant), and it's great:


Oh, man.

So, now that Constantine's on his way back home to all the furious people he's forgotten, Ashley carves out a few minutes to pretend like she's gonna give Ryan another chance, and then make him cry again. About sending him home she says, "I know that it was the right decision — you were exactly on paper what I wanted, but that passion wasn’t there that I need in a relationship. The truth is, I found that with two people." Ryan then has another Ralph Wiggum moment, and his patched-together heart breaks as he says, "Oh, Ash. I'm so happy for you." Nope. You are not. Ew, and when did they start calling each other "Ash" and "Ry?" They're so perfect — sorry, perfact — for each other.

Second-most-perfact-together, though, are J.P. and Ashley, which I'm pained to admit, because I actually think J.P. is pretty adorable. He's needy and possessive, but wears it well. And Ashley obviously really needs someone to need her. Suffice it to say, J.P. does NOT turn down a night of fantastic suite-ing Ashley, and mounts her before the cameras can even shield their lenses.

So, the rose ceremony is pointless, but Ashley makes us sit through it anyway because she's awful.

Next week, Ashley fights with her super-alternative sister!

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