Wednesday, August 17, 2011

You guys. I LIVED The Bachelorette on Monday night.

Posted By on Wed, Aug 17, 2011 at 4:16 PM

For weeks, I'd been flirting with the idea of making a trip up to Cumming (or, as it's sometimes referred to on television, "Atlanta") for a meal and some stalking at Georgio's Italian Restaurant, the Greco-Italimerican eatery co-owned by former-Bachelorette contestant and forever-attractive-person Constantine Tzortzis. Believe me, I wouldn't have been the first pervert to drive 45 minutes for the chance to get a taste of Constantine's loukoumades (that's multi-ethnic sexual innuendo, folks!). Then this arrived in my inbox ...


Constantine AND Ben and meet and greet and food and photos for just $25! Whatta deal. So, I did what any good journalist would and got out my checkbook, fanned myself with it and arranged to get in for free.

So, first of all, the event was falsely advertised. It wasn't Constantine and Ben who appeared ... it was Constantine and Ben AND MICKEY. You remember Mickey. You don't. He's the one who had his nuts pressed against the base of his skull when he did that 'tarded wine angel thing in Vegas, and eventually left the show when Bentley came back to have his period with Ashley.

Out on the restaurant's patio on a muggy Monday night, Constantine, Ben and Mickey posed for photos ($3 bucks a pop, no shit) with hordes of women, from the baby-aged to the elderly. Eventually, they got a ten minute break, but instead of relaxing they had the pleasure of sitting down with me and answering stupid questions! YOU GUYZZZZ. It was like a three-on-one date! Seriously, I felt just like Ashley, but mostly because I could tell none of them liked me that much.

Here are the things I learned:

None of them read my Bachelorette recaps. Phew. I didn't directly ask whether or not they did, but I can imagine the content of my recaps would have been a point of contention. Off the top of my head, I can think of at least a dozen really rude things I said about Ben, among them that he's a cro-magnon with lesbian hair who might have had non-consentual sex with his sister in an attic. I also frequently behaved like an undersexed, romance novel-reading, muumuu-wearing middle aged woman (basically, this person) about Constantine's strong hands and jawline, and masculine ... shit, I'm doing it again.

Ben's hands are ENORMOUS. Fun fact!

When you wear a short dress and are visibly giddy to meet three bohunks from a reality show, people won't believe that you're an actual journalist. Even though I'd displayed my business card, one of Georgio's waitresses approached my friend Ally when I was interviewing the guys and asked her if I was pretending to work for a newspaper. In her defense, I could have Creative Loafing business cards made just as easily as I could have cardboard cutouts of Ben and Constantine made, propped them up in a wooded area and paid an open-minded homeless person three sandwiches to take a few pictures (SEE BELOW).

A disfigured troll flanked by banana-handed Bachelors Ben and Constantine
  • Ally Malick
  • A disfigured troll flanked by banana-handed Bachelors Ben and Constantine

Constantine has a girlfriend. His mom spilled the beans (yeah, I met his mom Elleni, too) and Constantine confirmed that he's seeing someone. As Ashley would say, I'm sure they're "perfact" for each other.

Ben is NOT dating Jennifer Love Hewitt. And Mickey doesn't know who Jennifer Love Hewitt is. According to US Weekly — magazines! they're just like us! — Ben and the actress had a date in San Francisco after she tweeted, "Omg! Ben f except my final rose!!! Gotta book a flight to Sonoma !!!:):)" When I asked if the rumor was true, Ben shook his head and rolled his eyes — which is exactly what I did when I learned that Jennifer Love Hewitt doesn't know the difference between the words "accept" and "except." Awww. When Mickey asked who Jennifer Love Hewitt is, Constantine explained she was in "I Know What You Did Last Summer," because he's a gentleman (everyone else in the world describes her as "the one with the big tits in 'I Know What You Did Last Summer'").

Chris Harrison is "the man." So says Ben, who actually referred to the Bachelorette's pleasantly bird-beaked host as "C.H." Because I have no couth, I brought up the fact that he "seems so smug" on TV, but Mickey says he's just "very young at heart."

Which brings me to my final lesson ...

People who appear on the Bachelorette (at least three of them) are earnest. Trying to get dirt out of these guys was like drawing blood from a stapler (first thing I looked at). They had nothing but nice things to say about the show, its producers and each other, so either they're really super-sincere human beings, or they triple-handedly proved my Bachelor/Bachelorette conspiracy theory: THE SHOW BRAINWASHES PEOPLE. How else do you explain 15 men ALL being desperately attracted to the same woman? (Ashley is the obvious exception to this, but still.) The guys didn't even think it was weird (in fact, I think the word "nice" was used) that they were forbidden from using a phone, computer or television for the entirety of their appearance on the show (which is roughly two months from beginning to end). Patty Hearst. Symbionese Liberation Army. Stockholm Syndrome. Things to Google.

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