Who gives a werewolf's perfectly sculpted rear end about witches, vampires, and spirit possession when Eric, Sookie and Bill are getting it on three ways to faerieland in the living room?
As usual, this week's episode of "True Blood" spent a lot of time spinning its wheels on superfluous subplots and third-rate special effects. But I'm putting my complaints in the monster box for a moment to focus on the Festival of Miracles that was episode 9.
Sookie's alive - it's a miracle! Demon baby's not actually a demon. Miracle! Little Susie's [may not be the child's real name] older sister came out of the coffin. Living-dead miracle! Alcide sleeps in the buff - oh miracle of miracles!
Bill saves Sookie from a bullet wound to the stomach by feeding her his blood. Now with Bill and Eric's blood coursing through her, she fantasizes about ... communication? "I could be dreaming about swimmin' with dolphins or eaten' a whole pie with no consequences," she scolds the pair in her V fantasy while civilly trying to sort out the trio's differences. You could also be having a threesome with Bill and Eric right now, all of America yelled at the TV. And then Sookie, as if she had read our collective mind, declared, "I'm proposing that the two of you are mine."
As Marcus and Alcide would say, "To communicatin' shit!"
A hungover and brokenhearted Hoyt wakes up to an intruder - a gun- and baby-toting Lafayette, who kicks the pants-less Hoyt out of his house. Lafayette's possessed by a woman named Mavis who's trying to make peace with her past. After Jason and Andy's official police efforts fail, Jesus is called in to sort things out. He calmly explains the concept of mediums and brujo-ism to a confused Mavis, and doesn't seem to be making much headway until he refers to Lafayette as his boyfriend. "Boyfriend?" she exclaims and grabs her crotch. Reality, if you can call it that, settles in, and she lets Jesus work his magia.
Jesus and Mavis walk through the spirit's final moments, and Jason, Arlene, Terry, Hoyt and Jesus end up in the yard digging around for the dead baby. When the crew finally unearths the remains of the mother and child, Jesus hands the swaddled skeleton over to Mavis and tells her it's time to go. He murmurs the Spanish equivalent to Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo and Mavis extricates herself from Lafayette in an eighties-rific flash of light. In fact, I'm pretty sure it was the same flash of light that took Marty and Doc back to the future.
Meanwhile, the Festival of Tolerance is underway at the Shreveport Dorchester Hotel, where Nan and Bill are busy trying to convince the public of the miracle of life-death. Mantonia arrives with the Blond One (see: Eric) under her control and casts a similar spell over the event's vampire guards. The witch unleashes the spellbound vampires on the crowd, massacring the human SWAT Team and innocent festival-goers. Sookie arrives in time to scream bloody murder as Joe Blogger captures the sneak attack on his video camera.
What else? Sam turns into a bunny and crawls into a 7-year-old's lap and then has tasteful, silhouetted Top Gun sex with Luna. Tommy shifts into Sam again and gets pummeled by Marcus and the pack. Jess and Jason do it in the bed of his truck. Sooks and Debbie join forces as a mind-reading/werewolf crime fighting duo.
Season four must be building to a showdown between Bill and Eric ... right? Honestly, I'm not sure what else is left to pursue in the final three episodes. And — please indulge me as I open the Monster Box back up for a sec — if that's in fact what happens, it already feels like a disappointment. If Eric and Bill are going to have it out, Eric should have his wits about him, otherwise it's just Mantonia vs. the World and nothing will actually be resolved. After all of the pain gone through to establish Lafayette as a medium, I predict that he holds the key to vanquishing Mantonia and releasing Eric from the spell.
QUOTES & NOTES:
-Alcide's a regular Mother Theresa of werewolves.
-I'm worried all this spell casting will cause longterm damage to Eric's psyche, like those memory erasers in Men in Black.
-Bill: "Werewolf, I'm gonna need you to shut the fuck up."
-I just realized Debbie the werewolf's last name is Pelt. *sigh*
-Tommy as Sam walks reminds me of the alien bug in the ill-fitting "Edgar suit" from Men in Black. (Yes, I made two MIB references in one blog post.)
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