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Monday, November 14, 2011

"Real Housewives of Atlanta" Season 4, Ep. 3: Gather 'round and listen to Kim pee

Keeping Up with Kim and Kroy
Tinkle-tinkle. That's the sound of Kim Zolciak's tiny adorable bladder letting go of some high-class urine through the closed doors of her Duluth townhouse bathroom. It's Kim's 33rd birthday (wow, she looks great for a 43-year-old pretending to be a 33-year-old) and Kim has to pee constantly now that she's eight months pregnant. It's not enough to listen in on Kim peeing once in the episode—Bravo producers know what we want and throw it in there twice. Thank you, Andy Cohen. Her footballer baby daddy Kroy Biermann (I guess that makes her a "wag" now) throws Kim a surprise party because good things happen to bad people, like rich, younger husbands and $22,000 bracelets.

It's amazing Kim landed Kroy. Not just because he's 25-years-old and a professional football player, but because she's more "book smart" while he's more into hunting and nature. He revealed after his football career, he wants to move to Montana and consult on guns at hunting lodges. A go-getter too! Opposites really do attract. Kim tells Sheree earlier in the episode that she and Kroy took their dating slow, despite being eight months pregnant. Kroy plots with Kim's abused assistant Sweetie (who's still convinced that she's Kim's friend) to have a little suprise party for the birthday girl. Kroy takes Kim out to an early bird dinner special before arriving back at Kim's suburban townhouse. Waiting there are Kim's hairdresser Derek, Kandi, Phaedra and Sheree! Her best friends in the whole world! Even Kim and Kandi's kids have forced TV bonding time together. While getting a massage, Kim listens in on the girls gossip:

Nene? Nene nene? Nene nene nene. Neee-NEE!

Kandi just got back from a Miami vacation with Nene and Cynthia, so what's she doing smack-talking? Since Nene is separated from Gregg and now a "rich bitch," the girls jetted down to Miami for a girls weekend—literally. It turned out to be Lesbian Pride. Kandi would "dip her foot" in the lady pool, but the other girls would never. They're too classy. While on the beach with only butch lesbians in sight, the ladies play frisbee with some Eurotrash men. All the beach-side margaritas in the world couldn't make those prodding cheek-pecks acceptable. Moreso, Nene makes fun of Kandi's thunder thighs, as if Nene's in any better shape. Since Nene is rich ("It's a fact"), the ladies look at a $9 million mansion while wearing primary colors. Nene says she needs to get out of Atlanta "Haterville" Georgia, but what about her kids? Still, great Miami outfit.

Meanwhile, Morticia Adams—I mean Phaedra Parks, continues her descent into the macabre. She talks to Willie Watkins, funeral director to Coretta Scott King, about mentoring under him to learn about the business. He thinks Phaedra's only in it for the money, but she's out to prove she's in it to make love to cadavers. Phaedra says she only pursues careers she's totally passionate about and that the difference between her and dreamboat hunk husband Apollo. Then Phaedra tries to force Apollo into the funeral business, though it's not his passion. The family that embalms together, stays together. Kroy should take note: If he really wants his relationship with Kim to work, he'll have to open a Montana Hunting Funeral Home.

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