Hear me out ...
Whatever has turned the vast majority of the human race into zombies is like the General Sherman of viruses, bringing Atlanta (and the rest of the world) to its knees. Society as we knew it is gone with the wind, and the increasingly proliferative zombies are the bloodsucking Yankee carpetbaggers, staining their hands and mouths with the blood of the South's/the Earth's rightful inhabitants. Our protagonists flee destruction in the Capitol city, and find a version of Tara that's withstood the ravages of war/zombie apocalypse. Shane is Scarlett O'Hara, a manipulative attractive person who, more so than being inherently awful, is forced to adapt in the face of a catastrophic paradigm shift. But instead of being pregnant with an unwanted child like Scarlett, Shane puts an unwanted child in Lori. Rick, a.k.a. Rhett Butler, should seriously consider nudging Lori down the stairs before she tries to OD on morning after pills again. Glenn is Mammy, a loyal, brave, wise soul who's under-appreciated by everyone around him. Dale is Prissy, but mostly just because he's annoying.
So, what we can surmise from this — SPOILER ALERT — is that Rick is gonna walk out on his "partner" Shane, but it'll be OK because Shane will be really rich and have lots of nice dresses at that point, and all he really ever cared about was money anyway. THE END.
Can you even believe I'm doing this when there's so much to discuss? Great balls of fire (last GWTW reference ... maybe), zombie attacks make people HORNAAAAAY. And Glenn isn't whistling Dixie (shit) when he says he's a bad liar. And, really, it's not just that he's a bad liar, it's that he's completely fucking incapable of keeping secrets, which is arguably slightly different.
OH YEAH, so those zombies? The ones in the barn? They love chicken. Otis' shifty-eyed wife is keeping the Walkers alive by snapping the birds' little leggies (really great chicken noises, sound effects people) and tossing them in the barn for chow times.
Aw, and look, Carl's packing heat. Lori is unhappy about this because Carl and guns don't exactly get along, but Rick argues that he shouldn't be running around without protection. "Carl's growing up," Rick says. "You need to start treating him like more of an adult." And Lori's, like, how 'bout I start treating him more like an adult when he stops getting shot all the time. Or when he's actually an adult.
Several members of the gang, including Carl and some of Hershel's people, head off for target practice (shouldn't they be a little bit more concerned about conserving ammunition, I wonder?), but Glenn stays behind with Dale so he can sing like a canary about Lori's pregnancy and the Walkers in the barn after three seconds of being pressed for information.
And look who else can't keep secrets ... Dale wastes no time confronting Hershel about his zombie barn, but covers for Glenn for no reason by 'splaining he heard the moans when he went for a walk that morning. As I'd suspected (I really did), Hershel and Co. are keeping the zombies alive because they're the zombie remnants of loved ones. Dale argues that they're dangerous, to which Hershel replies, "Paranoid schizophrenics are dangerous, too ... we don’t kill sick people." It's not a terrible argument. OK, it is a terrible argument because not all paranoid schizos will try and eat your face, but all Walkers definitely will.
Of course, now Hershel wants these people out of his zombie barn hair even quicker. He correctly assumes Rick hasn't been passing along to the others that they're expected to leave pretty soon, so Hershel not-so-subtly brings it up to Lori.
Meanwhile, Shane's riding Andrea for shooting like a girl, and then Andrea rides him right back in the front seat of a Hyundai Santa Fe after doing some zombie hunting and getting all hawt n' bothered. More importantly, these morons are still looking for Sophia, who is either dead or has found a group of less horny people she likes better.
Maggie's pissed at Glenn for telling Dale about the Walkers in the barn and GOD DAMN IT would he PUHLEEZE stop calling them Walkers. "Well, what do you call them?" Glenn asks. ZOMBIES, IDIOT. Just kidding. She calls them Mom and Shaun and Mr. and Mrs. Fisher. "Zombies" would be easier.
Glenn and Maggie go to the store to get a bunch of crap for Lori (because she's worthless and because Glenn feels bad about telling her baby secret) including a bunch of morning after pills. Back in the pharmacy, Maggie gets attacked by a Walker — who came for the pillz and stayed for the sweet meat — and of course Glenn saves the day again, because he's smart and brave and a leader. Maggie tells him he's all these things after verbally abusing Lori, and points out that no one seems to value all of his wonderful qualities. All they do is dangle him down wells and send him for tampons and shit. And Maggie's totally right, right? Glenn deserves better, so she sticks her tongue down his throat.
And is his work never done? Glenn puts on his abortion counselor hat (which looks a lot like his other hats), and gives Lori the morning after pills but also gives her some prenatal vitamins he picked up. "This is your choice," he says, "but maybe you shouldn't make it alone." Then Lori demonstrates that women shouldn't be trusted to make choices about their own reproductive health by taking a hundred morning after pills (even though it says all over the packaging that it's not the abortion pill and only works to prevent conception — at least I hear that's what it says on the packaging).
Shane returns from his fuckfest with Andrea, and Dale has to go and ruin his post-coital high by telling him to leave because he knows "what kind of man" Shane is. Question: If he knows what kind of man Shane is — the kind that kills Otis and flirts with the idea of killing his best friend — shouldn't he maybe drop the tough-guy shit before Shane twists his head off? Weird ears aside, the balder and crazier Shane is, the more attractive he gets. And he's definitely hottest when he's threatening Dale.
Lori ran and barfed up the morning after pills, but she didn't clean up the evidence, so of course Rick finds all the empty packages. Even though he's a secret-keeper, too, this is kind of a biggie, so he's really mad about it. "Anything else I should know about?" Rick asks. Well, as a matter of fact, I HAD SEX WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND AND I'M PROBABLY PREGNANT WITH HIS BABY. And Rick doesn't take it too hard because — a doi — he already knew. "I know. Of course I know," Rick says. "You thought I was dead. The world went to shit and you thought I was dead. Right?" Yep. That's about right.
Hey, speaking of secrets, remember when Conan O'Brien did these ...
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