But for a season finale, especially one to cap a season as lackluster as this, there was startlingly little to elevate it beyond any other dumb episode this season. I was thinking we’d at least get a little more Adama action, but no—that plot point has sailed. This week, once again, it’s all Angry Travis, doing the strange things that Angry Travis does, now that he’s a completely evil unhinged killer for God who has absolutely zero problem with, say, kidnapping a child and murdering him. (Speaking of, the writers would really appreciate it if you could please disregard the gentle, conflicted soldier-for-Jesus persona he copped for 75 percent of the season. Thanks!)
Episode starts out with Dexter clutching a floating piece of lifeboat debris. Sometime in the morning, the debris stops floating (I guess because, uh, the sunlight changed the wood into something non-buoyant), but luckily he’s picked up by the Helgado, transporting Cubans to Maimi. Why not just let him swim to shore? I guess so one of the passengers can tell Dexter that God is looking after him (thus explaining all the convenient plot points to come), and also so Dexter has someone to kill before we the audience can get bored and change the channel.
Dex tells his babysitter that he just fell off the boat, no biggie! And Deb doesn’t really care about any of the details, just as long as her shirtless brother/love interest is okay, and says out loud that he loves her. Because, in the space of half an episode, Deb has realized that she’s in love wih Dexter. Hey, why not?
But what about Travis? Oh, he’s watching the news, in the house where he murdered two people and painted a giant mural of the devil with Dexter’s face. When he leaves to go, I don’t know, pick up some chips, somebody reports the double homicide in the house. Who reported it? How was it discovered? Doesn’t matter! Deb and Dex are on the scene! Where ALL THE COPS ARE WAITING FOR DEXTER TO CHECK OUT THE CRIME SCENE FIRST. Because everyone knows that you can screw up the evidence in a crime scene just by looking at it. Oh and it just happens to give Dexter time to knock his image off the wall with a hammer. So convenient! I guess God is looking after him.
Deb leaves the double-homicide crime scene to go figure out where Travis is, because obviously there aren’t going to be any clues at the scene of his latest murder. What a fine lieutenant. Oh wait except THERE IS A CLUE AFTER ALL! Too bad only Dexter can see it. Or maybe the clue is actually already dead, and Dexter is just imagining he sees it? (Speaking of, where’s Ghost Dad this episode?)
But it’s okay for Deb, because she actually does have some clues back at the office: another sketch from Gellar’s journal, and also an aerial photograph some pilot took of the ring of fire seven miles off the coast of Miami, the last of Travis’s public tableaux, which for some reason has been staged where no one except a conveniently-placed airplane can witness it. Well, whatever!
Travis, finding his place swarming with cops (none of whom are on the lookout for him or his car), goes to Dexter’s apartment instead, checks his mail, hangs out until babysitter and Harrison have left, and then gets the idea to kidnap Harrison. From a church school performance! Crowded with parents and kids and nuns! I guess because, even though it’d make things much simpler for him, Travis would hate to have to kill the innocent babysitter and take Harrison right then and there. Oh wait, except he loves to kill innocent people, because it's what God commands. WHATEVER, OK!
Meanwhile, in news no cares about: the intern’s last day is coming up. Batista has requested a transfer for Quinn, who counters by claiming to be an alcoholic, and thus untransferable. Laguerta makes the transition from undermining bitch to slightly supportive bitch. And the new detective still has nothing to do, at all. Oh also Vince finally busts out his Yoda impression.
Back to the excitement! Travis walks off with Dexter’s spawn by putting on a lion mask (doesn’t matter that he was not wearing the lion’s-coat brown ensemble Dexter had on, nuns aren’t very fashion-conscious), and (I guess?) by telling Harrison that his father has been a terrible accident and he needs to come with Travis. They go straight up to the top of the Transcorp building, where Travis murders a cop and sets up the killing basket for Harrison. Is anyone in the audience, at this point, worried that the kid is going to get it? Of course we are! BECAUSE THIS SHOW IS SO DARK AND UNPREDICTABLE.
But then Dexter gets Travis with the old fake-needle-to-your-own-jugular trick. After that, offscreen, he somehow gets Travis’s unconscious body down the elevator and to his car without any cops noticing, because Lt. Deb only put one cop on each roof, and none on the ground in case, say, Travis should at some point come down from the rooftop.
After Deb and company find the murdered cop, and Laguerta gives Deb a little pep talk, and they all figure there’s nothing else they can do and might as well go home, Deb busts into her therapist’s office to tell her that YES! She’s in love with Dexter! And after thinking it over for a solid episode-and-a-half, she's decided he must know! Good for you, says the therapist. You go get him!
Meanwhile, Dexter’s at the church, with Travis on the table, telling Travis that he’s a jerk who used God to kill people. Travis disagrees, Dexter rambles about how his darkness brings “balance” to the light (more Yoda?), and then he stabs Travis in the heart. Pretty anti-climactic stuff. EXCEPT! Deb walks in just in time to see Dexter stab Travis. You see, she knew he would be there working, because she told him to do one more sweep of the church, and obviously she could not wait until he was at home to spill her big big news: “Hey big brother I want to sex you!” The episode ends at the moment Dexter looks up, spots Deb watching him, and says “Oh God.” So! Will this encounter be as big a turn-on for Dex as it is for Deb?
I guess we’ll never know. Because who in the world has another 13 hours to waste on this lousy show? For my own gratification, I’ll just assume that Deb and Dex get busy on Travis’s bleeding dead body, then turn into sexy vampires, and then go on a cross-country blood-sucking rampage, reanimating the corpses of Dexter’s past guest stars as they go. What a season it’ll be! In my mind!
Anyhow: thanks are in order for keeping me company here all season—it’s been a difficult road. And extra congratulations for those who stuck with for all 13 episodes. You are the real heroes! Though your suffering has been entirely in vain, you should all hold your head up high and say, “I sat through 13 hours of some of the worst television in the history of the scripted drama. I can sit through anything.”
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