Tuesday, January 3, 2012

"The Bachelor" Season Premier: My rose ceremony is better

Posted By on Tue, Jan 3, 2012 at 6:18 PM

Are you excited? For two hours every Monday night for the next 87 weeks or so, we get to watch my close, personal cavefriend Ben Flajnik — who wined and dined scarcely tolerated me at a meet-and-greet in beautiful Cumming, Ga. last year — make awkward small talk and dry humpings with a truly special group of weeping, maladjusted she-beasts! I know, I know, me too!

Last night, in the glow of a bad moon, a procession of limousines slowly excreted a coven of 25 evening gown-clad ladies, all of them just rarin' to tap dance while Chris Harrison aims a shotgun at their cloven hooves. An a-hole in a giant hat. An a-hole in a pageant sash who wants Ben to know she's more than just a person who participates in pageants. An a-hole who brought her poor, differently-abled-but-definitely-horny grandma. An a-hole on a horse.

HOW WILL BEN EVER CHOOSE JUST ONE OF THEM? A lot of real good ones. So many, in fact, Ben had to send some of the goodest home right away. Here's how my rose ceremony would've gone (people who DID get roses included, winner of the First Impression Rose™ last) ...

Rose No. 1: Amber B.

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If you're gonna make it on this show you have to have an angle. Amber Bacon's angle: Her name is Amber Bacon. The Baconator, colloquially. Ambie's first interaction with Ben consisted solely of her insisting he associate her with cured pork products. "Do you like bacon? You want a little taste? Did you know that was actually Canadian Bacon?" And could you believe this Pigwoman had the nerve to say the house "smelled like grandmas" when Brittney's grandma arrived? All old people smell gross, but it's not a thing we talk about on TV, at least not about specific smelly old people.

The Baconator did not get a rose, but you can find her at Wendy's where you'll probably order the Dave's Hot & Juicy instead.

Rose No. 2: Erika

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Oh, Erika, what wide-set eyes you have. How fun if the similarly fetal Ames would've been The Bachelor! Those two could've stood side by side and looked directly at each other like horses do. So sweet.

Ben kept Erika around, probably for her great sense of humor. C'maaaaaaan. A law student (begins laughing; becomes red-faced and out of breath). Telling Ben he's "guilty of being sexy" (chokes on own saliva; vomits and urinates at the same time for laughing so hard). Wheeeeeew. Classic. Also she's very good at doing finger guns that are not like guns at all (or finger guns for that matter).

Rose No. 3: Lyndsie J.

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Lyndsie isn't just an Internet entrepreneur, guys. She's a diplomat's daughter who is extraordinarily comfortable making an anus of herself. And she drives a silver sports car with her name written in cursive across the side panel (this is part of the anus thing I was talking about). And she wore a witch costume some derelict parent made on-the-fly out of a crumpled up garbage bag. And she's a poet. A nice thing I can say about the poem she wrote for Ben: It was shorter than the rap that Emily wrote (it was Emily, right?). No rose for Lyndsie.

Rose No. 4: Jaclyn

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I like the story her face tells.

Rose No. 5: Monica

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Monica is basically an amalgam of every bitch you've ever met in your life, especially the ones you met in college who occasionally disappeared into the other room with their sorority sisters to bump vaginas scissor-style, then went through a divorce about seven years after college and decided to raise her children with her "roommate."

Monica is either actually or pretendly sexually confused, is what I'm saying. Among the things she said to Blakely during a couch cuddle session (we'll get to Blakely in a minute): "You are my life forever. I know this." "You are my experience. If you're the only thing I get out of this, I've lived and I've lived great." Then she slurs, "You know I need your number, riiiiight?" And Blakely's, like, "Ha ha ..."

But her love for the fairer sex isn't universal! She hates Jenna. But nowhere near as much as Jenna thinks she hates Jenna. Which brings us to ...

Rose No. 6: Jenna!

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I'm so genuinely afraid of Jenna, aren't you?! There's a lot of pain behind those wild eyes. WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU, JENNA? Really, she's part of that unique breed of woman who thinks other women are forever being awful to her when, actually, she's the one being awful, and no matter what you say to her she WILL NOT accept that everyone is not out to get her. Mentally ill. That's the breed I'm thinking of.

Of course, the emotionally unstable get to hang around for a while. That's The Bachelor Way.

Rose No. 7: Blakely (but only her teeth)

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I'm donating the rest of her carcass to Monica so it can be taxidermied and displayed in her dungeon.

Rose No. 8: Generic Brunette #5

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Twenty five women is too many women for my brain to process — and I'M not a troglodyte (my way of implying Ben is a caveman ... again) — but especially when several of them are remarkably unremarkable. Really, the same goes for the blondes, but I'm partial to brown haireds.

Rose No. 9: Courtney

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Just because I'm intimidated by her beauty. Lots of women are, you know.

AND MY EXTRA SPECIAL FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE GOES TOOOOOOO ...

SATAN

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More crying next week! And, based on the preview of the season, I'm pretty sure someone eventually dies. Fun!

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