Are you excited? For two hours every Monday night for the next 87 weeks or so, we get to watch my close, personal cavefriend Ben Flajnik — who
wined and dined scarcely tolerated me at a meet-and-greet in beautiful Cumming, Ga. last year — make awkward small talk and dry humpings with a truly special group of weeping, maladjusted she-beasts! I know, I know, me too!
Last night, in the glow of a bad moon, a procession of limousines slowly excreted a coven of 25 evening gown-clad ladies, all of them just rarin' to tap dance while Chris Harrison aims a shotgun at their cloven hooves. An a-hole in a giant hat. An a-hole in a pageant sash who wants Ben to know she's more than just a person who participates in pageants. An a-hole who brought her poor, differently-abled-but-definitely-horny grandma. An a-hole on a horse.
HOW WILL BEN EVER CHOOSE JUST ONE OF THEM? A lot of real good ones. So many, in fact, Ben had to send some of the goodest home right away. Here's how my rose ceremony would've gone (people who DID get roses included, winner of the First Impression Rose™ last) ...
Rose No. 1: Amber B.
Rose No. 2: Erika
Ben kept Erika around, probably for her great sense of humor. C'maaaaaaan. A law student (begins laughing; becomes red-faced and out of breath). Telling Ben he's "guilty of being sexy" (chokes on own saliva; vomits and urinates at the same time for laughing so hard). Wheeeeeew. Classic. Also she's very good at doing finger guns that are not like guns at all (or finger guns for that matter).
Rose No. 3: Lyndsie J.
Rose No. 4: Jaclyn
Rose No. 5: Monica
Monica is either actually or pretendly sexually confused, is what I'm saying. Among the things she said to Blakely during a couch cuddle session (we'll get to Blakely in a minute): "You are my life forever. I know this." "You are my experience. If you're the only thing I get out of this, I've lived and I've lived great." Then she slurs, "You know I need your number, riiiiight?" And Blakely's, like, "Ha ha ..."
But her love for the fairer sex isn't universal! She hates Jenna. But nowhere near as much as Jenna thinks she hates Jenna. Which brings us to ...
Rose No. 6: Jenna!
Of course, the emotionally unstable get to hang around for a while. That's The Bachelor Way.
Rose No. 7: Blakely (but only her teeth)
Rose No. 8: Generic Brunette #5
Rose No. 9: Courtney
AND MY EXTRA SPECIAL FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE GOES TOOOOOOO ...
More crying next week! And, based on the preview of the season, I'm pretty sure someone eventually dies. Fun!
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